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The most excruciating heart wrenching pain deep into my soul The most excruciating heart wrenching pain deep into my soul

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Unread 10-10-2010, 09:27 AM
The most excruciating heart wrenching pain deep into my soul

I have the most excruiciating periods that last a week now, they hurt so badly I have to take pain pills, I cannot eat beans or anything else that gives me gas, and above all, do not lean forward because that makes it even MORE painful. The added bonus of not having any periods ever again will be so good. But with all of that said, I cannot even fathom the thought of living without my baby making parts. My left ovary is no longer an ovary, it's at least a 5 inch cyst. My right ovary, which I am supposed to keep, has at least a 3 inch cyst. My uterus is full of fibroid tumors too. So why is it that with all the problems I am having that I can't stand the thought of life after hysterectomy? Because I don't have any children. As I wrote in my profile, my 2nd ex and I were pregnant 3 times and lost 4 babies. The furthest along I was was 20 weeks with twin boys. That was 10 years ago. Now, exactly 10 years and a few months later, I have to get them removed to give me some relief from my periods. And actually, it just hit me. October 31 will be the 10 anniversary of losing my last baby.

My anger is so strong that I have been screaming, yelling, and throwing things. I swear I'm not a bad person... I just ache in the deepest part of my soul right now.

My counselor told me yesterday that I simply need to have faith that God is with me during this most painful time. I have so many replies to that statement. This is not the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or even fourth time I have had such gut wrenching pain... losing my parents before age 30, my grand parents, a 20 year old neice, all of my babies, my 2nd ex leaving me because I couldn't get over my grief, the lack of support from my two sisters... and now this... so have faith? God is with me? *** ever...

I am self destructive at times right now (is it the hormones or what?) but my pain is SO gut wrenching... and to imagine that I now HAVE to live without my baby making parts too?

It's just TOO much pain for one person to endure. I'd rather die than have to live w/o those parts in my body...
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Unread 10-10-2010, 04:27 PM
Re: The most excruciating heart wrenching pain deep into my soul

Myhusbandisbest -

Oh sweetie this is a heartbreaking situation. I have experienced many losses and some in very quick succession. You may need to find a different counselor. The self-destruction is not good now and you and your DH don't need it to get worse.

If necessary and the urges are getting more intense please call 911. You deserve to find a way to work through the grief.

Since you said your ex left you because you couldn't get over your grief that indicates this is a chronic situation and one that needs to be taken very seriously. It could be that it has developed into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and your current counsellor may not be equipped to recognize or deal with it.

I am religious so I understand the thought of "God being there with you" unfortunately bad things happen to good people and sometimes many bad things happen to good people. That is the vagaries of life that we don't control.

Please find additional help.

as you go through this difficult time

Unread 10-10-2010, 06:35 PM
Re: The most excruciating heart wrenching pain deep into my soul

I am so sorry that you are going through all that. I agree with maybe seeing another counselor or a therapist that could try medication if you get really bad. You are in a serious situation so do not be afraid to ask for help. Best wishes to you.
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Unread 10-11-2010, 03:19 AM
Re: The most excruciating heart wrenching pain deep into my soul

Thank you for your kindness. My hysterectomy is now just day after tomorrow. Thanks to my DH, I made it through yesterday with only a few crying spells. He kept me medicated so while I was a little out of it all day yesterday, I felt a lot better. This afternoon we go to see my doctor and we will find out then exactly which way she will go in to remove my uterus, cervix, and ovary. We will also talk to her about how I've been doing and ask for something such as valumn to help me through the next two days.

I am quite certain you hit the nail on the head with the PTSD, I've sometimes wondered if that was going on, but I've always brushed it off and tried to keep on going. I will definately look into it and get it checked out. I go back to my psych doc tomorrow (Tuesday) and will ask about it so that perhaps i can get a referral to someone who specializes in it.

When I see my doctor today, I am going to share with her all that has been happening and express to her how fearful I am of life "on the other side" of surgery. Hopefully she will understand, but then again she is currently pregnant herself, so I don't know.

Anyway, thank you for writing me. Big hugs to you!


Unread 10-11-2010, 07:05 AM
Re: The most excruciating heart wrenching pain deep into my soul

I can only agree with the other advice. I'm sending support and hugs and thoughts of strength to get you through this. I hope your Dr and a different counsellor give you the help you deserve. Sending more hugs.

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