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unsupportive DH- kids mentioned unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

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  #1  
Unread 01-03-2011, 07:05 PM
unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

I think that maybe I will cancel the surgery, I'm going to sleep on it for a few days and pray on it for a little while but right now my gut tells me to hold off. to make peace with it and deal with what comes.
my husband has been virtually non-existant in the whole process of this surgery, I've brought it up several times, let him know I was going for a second opinion (which he said he would go to the appt, but at the last minute had to work) then I told him I scheduled the surg, and all he asked was "when?" thats it. thats all I got. nothing. I can't stand it.
I am not in a position where its a life threatening situation. I have manageable (with pain meds and lots of laying down) symptoms. and alot of it is sex related, and right now the way I feel about him is "I won't be having sex, so whats the point?"

I've taken the time off work, I've notified my mother, (who totally out of character for her has been really supportive! -but she lives across the country) and her and dh don't get along, so having her here for 2 weeks to pamper me isn't really a good idea.

I'm so mad I want to scream. he has a cold and it's all he can talk about!!! I am scheduled to get my insides removed including the place I carried my babies!! but I get nothing??!!! are you kidding me?

I just think its the wrong time, I hear other women say how supportive thier hubbies are and push them to go see a doc. I just want a little bit of acknowledgement. I don't want to talk his ear off about periods, cervixes, and hormones, but I do want him to say, "whens your next appt?-can I go?"
oh! just occured to me a prime example, I was at work looking at the calender and was thinking my surg was on the 29th, but it was really on the 20th, so I text him and say, when did I tell you my surg was scheduled for? he texts back "dunno"
<insert string of curse words here>

i just dont' know....


thanks for letting me vent.
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  #2  
Unread 01-03-2011, 07:50 PM
Re: unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

I am so sorry your hubby doesn't seem supportive. Okay, I'm not giving him a free ride here, maybe he is scared and doesn't quite know how to handle the entire situation, maybe he needs to talk to another male friend whose wife has gone through this who is more understanding, he could gain a few pointers.

You know your DH better than any of us, I just sometimes think men are to shallow to admit they are scared and to show fear, let alone talk about it with their wives. ( Kinda like a man asking for directions ) When I was admitted to the hospital for bowel obstruction, I made my husband have the end of life decisions talk with me and he fell apart. It wasn't anything he nor I wanted to do, but I told him if he didn't he might not get the chance to really know what I wanted to happen if I passed. He didn't want to live with unanswered questioned so he agreed.

As for cancelling your surgery, I wouldn't recommend you cancelling. You need this surgery to feel better about your body and inner self. There is no reason for you to walk around in pain, suffer with bleeding and we all know that affects our moods.... Take care of yourself, so that you can take care of everyone else. I used to take care of others before myself and then last year I decided for my birthday each year I would take care of "Me" I do all my yearly exams for my B-Day and there is a sense of peace all year long. So don't let yourself down, the rest will work out, your hubby will make out fine with your mom if it comes to that

If you are in a church, let them know your having this surgery, there is great support with our church. They brought our family dinner for 3 nights when I was in the hospital last time, snacks, lunch meats, bread, milk, a wonderful support group too.

Best of luck to you in your decision, only you can make this choice. You have plenty of time to decide and you will know in your heart when the time comes what it right for you.
  #3  
Unread 01-03-2011, 08:41 PM
Re: unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

I agree, go ahead with the surgery. If you have any girl friends at work or otherwise, recruit their help. They can bring meals, maybe take your children out for a ice cream or play at the park to give them some special time. It won't hurt your family to eat sandwiches for a month. If you can, pamper yourself with new PJs and other things mentioned on this site to help make your recovery easier and as pleasant as possible. Books, magazines, subscription to Netflix and any other special treats you would like and let DH pay for them.
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  #4  
Unread 01-03-2011, 09:04 PM
Re: unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

If you cancel the surgery, what's going to happen to improve the situation? The medical problems are still going to be there, and if your case is at all typical, they'll get worse, and over time your options will narrow. How is canceling going to make the situation better?
  #5  
Unread 01-03-2011, 09:07 PM
Re: unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

ahh men ... only you can decide if now is the time for your surgery BUT, I would say this, sometimes our men don't know how to care for us because we don't tell them. I gave up expecting DH to 'just know' what I needed a decade and a half ago. I don't believe that old, 'if he really loved me, he'd know' line because when I have told him what I need he has been only too happy to oblige (and a little relieved that he didn't have to guess). Maybe your DH is freaked out about talking to you about your 'girl bits'? Maybe he thinks its something that should not be discussed? Maybe he is paralysed by his own anxiety because he simply doesn't know what the right response is? Maybe he thinks it is too embarrassing for you to talk about?
Perhaps you could buy a bottle of wine, some nice cheese and have a little chat with him. "I am going to have surgery on this date. I need you to come with me and be there when I wake up. I will be unable to do anything much more than lay about and watch tv for about six weeks. Let's plan how we can make that work."
HTH
  #6  
Unread 01-04-2011, 12:28 AM
Re: unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

I am 15 days shy of my 1 year anniversary from my tah. My husband did not seem very supportive leading up to my surgery, but really stepped up and became my rock right before, during and after. He has not always been open about sharing his feelings, but events over the last few years has helped him to open up more. Your hubby just may be scared and not know how to vocalize his feelings. Ask him how he is feeling about your surgery and I'm sure you would be surprised.
As far as cancelling your surgery, if you decide to cancel or postphone it make sure you are doing so for the right reason. Don't cancel because you are not getting the emotional support. But if your gut is telling you the timing is not right then really pray about it. God will give you the answer.
Another thought, maybe your husband would be happier if he were the one taking care of you instead of your mom. My husband actually did most of my care taking, instead of letting our adult daughters take care of me.
I'm praying that you get the answers and support you need.
  #7  
Unread 01-04-2011, 01:14 AM
Re: unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

Actually jencme, I think you should bring him along to your preop. Say this is the date and you need to be there. Period. Say it, text it, put a post-it on his steering wheel. If you say to yourself, yea, maybe I'll just wait til Spring...or Summer... Or October... The point is there is no "perfect" time to do it. I am not telling you to do anything at all but heed your dr's advice. Hubs needs to be a part of that too. I know my Doc spoke to my DH at length at my pre op, and all things considered, I think he pretty much laid it all out there. I wish you the very best peaceful feelings so that you can make the right choice for you.
  #8  
Unread 01-04-2011, 01:35 AM
Re: unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

Please consider going ahead with the surgery, this is something you need to do to make life better for you in the long run.

I've just had mine 2 weeks ago, and i feel better about myself already. Do it for YOU, and nobody can take that decision away from you.

I wish you all the best in your decision, and hope that you find the support you need afterwards if you choose to go ahead.

Take care ,
  #9  
Unread 01-04-2011, 01:51 AM
Re: unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

Sorry to hear about your lack of a supportive mate. It's quite embarassing to discuss, but I actually experienced something similar. I went ahead with the sugery and am glad I didn't postpone based solely on his lack of support and warnings that I "shouldn't expect too much" from him after my surgery. He also pre-warned me that any moods swings would be "unacceptable." Fortunately, I retained my ovaries so I've been fairly stable - except for the horrible night when he brought me home from the hospital, became verbally abusive, and left me alone in the house while I was trying to take my first shower. We we very nearly broke up the next day. No exaggeration here, it was and still is very ugly. First and foremost, we have to make the decisions that are best for US. I made the decision to have the surgery because after talking it over with my doc, I realized it was in my best interest to do so. I've also insisted that my mate get counseling for his issues, which I will attend with him, if recommended, as soon as I'm able. I've just decided I'm not going to let someone else bring me down and make me unhappy! Best of luck to you!
  #10  
Unread 01-04-2011, 04:35 AM
Re: unsupportive DH- kids mentioned

I would go ahead if I were you. Pain after and with sex was the main reaason I went ahead (plus flooding and clots).
I think your husband is being unreasonable but it also could be he is just plain uncomfy with "female stuff" (but men ARE big sooks when THEY are unwell).
I'm 3 weeks post op (my DH works interstate) and was only here for the day of surgery. I went to stay with Mum for the first night after 4 nights in hospital and have then managed completely fine alone.
I had a total laprascopic hysterctomy including cervix removed and left ovary repositioned and some excision of endo.
Sweetheart - it's your decision and your body. Don't base it on his needs or the lack of support on his behalf. This is your opportunity, you have the time off etc. I am SO GLAD I went ahead at just 3 weeks post op. I hope you think further on it and so glad to read all the supportive posts you have here.
HUGS. Susan in Aussie land.
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