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Hysterectomy Humor Hysterectomy Humor

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Unread 01-03-2011, 09:30 PM
Hysterectomy Humor

Okay, forget the post-op mumbo-jumbo you hear from the doctor. We girls need to discuss the real deal!

1. Whatever your age, you WILL be walking like Tim Conway's old man character on the Carol Burnett show. (shuffle...shuffle..shuffle..pause...pant...sit down.... rest....catch your breath...). And that is just from one side of the bed to the other!

2. No matter how many staples you have, you WILL be holding your belly at all times. We just know that our insides will fall out if we don't. And if you plan to watch a funny movie, might I recommend: a belly binder, duct tape, three pillows and a small person to sit on your belly while you laugh.

3. They say you "may have a little gas" from the surgery that will have to dissolve over the next week or so. A LITTLE gas? Um, you will feel a lot like the Goodyear blimp, begging for someone to pop you and get it over with, 'cause the best avenue of escape is locked up tighter than fort knox. Which brings me to....

4. Bowel movements YAY! In addition to your "little (HAH)" gas pain, you will feel as if your intestines have been lined with cement. It would take a village to move those bowels, and that's if they have WD-40 and ice picks! But it gets better....

5. When you finally do have a BM, guess what makes an unwanted appearance? Mr. Giant Gas Bubble and his band of merry makers! It feels like you are harboring an alien in your belly...growling and tearing at your innards. You envy the guy from the movie...oh how you would love for that thing to just rip it's way out of your gut already!!

6. Now ladies, if you have a horizontal incision, you will more than likely become a member of the "fleshy fanny pack" brigade. Your husband will ask you to put his keys in there...the kids will ask you to look in it for gum.... But I myself will do no such thing!! I know there is a baby kangaroo that is going to pop his head out of there any time now, and he doesn't need all the clutter.

7. Whether you kept you ovaries or not, you WILL get emotional. You will feel regretful, sad and sometimes want to pluck every single one of your hubby's hairs out using only crazy glue and q-tips. It's totally natural and will go away, but make sure and let yourself be emotional. And remind hubby that ice cream and foot rubs are the only thing that will spare his hair!

8. No matter how helpful the kids are, you are guaranteed to hear "what's for dinner?" The clothes hamper will grow so high you will need to file permits with the city.... the dust bunnies will pro-create to the point the cat packs his bags to leave home.... the dishes will grow some un-Godly looking crust..... Repeat after me ..." I am a Princess and I shall not tolerate this. I am retiring to my chambers and will not be back until the castle is spotless".

9. That "odor" they talk about sneaks up on you around week 3-4. Yes, you will find yourself offensive and will want to wear a Renuzit air freshener in your pants. It ranks right up there with "sweaty teenage boy shoe", with slight hints of corn chips. Sexy, I know.

10. *** is that in my hand?? Let me explain.... many of you will have what is called "superficial phlebitis". This means that the I.V. vein has developed a clot, or may be just irritated. You will develop what eerily resembles a garden hose in your hand, wrist or arm. Lucky me! I got a garden hose in all three, all the way up to my elbow, and my hose had marbles (clots) in it! Every day, I was mentally writing my will because I just knew the army of clots would revolt and make their way to my brain or heart. This too is normal, and IT WILL GO AWAY! Hot compresses and aspirin finally conquered those marbly beasts, and it only took 4 weeks! (disclaimer: if yours become painful, red or hot and you have a fever, then you need to see your doc., as your "veiny beasts" may be infected)

Just remember ladies, it is always darkest before the dawn. You'll have bad days, weird things happening to your body and pains in places you didn't know you had. This site is a wealth of information, and will help to put your mind at ease. Even if you can't find the humor in it at first, you will before you know it!

Let's starts a thread of our funny experiences, and bring the healing power of laughter to one another!
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Unread 01-03-2011, 09:46 PM
Hysterectomy Humor

oh my gosh i laughed until i cried when i read this, so needed that, you have missed ur calling, u need to be a comedian, seriously thank uuuuuu!
Unread 01-03-2011, 09:52 PM
Re: Hysterectomy Humor

Love it! All so true!
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Unread 01-03-2011, 10:47 PM
Re: Hysterectomy Humor

Lovin' it.

That "little bit of gas" rattles the windows, when it finally makes its escape.
Unread 01-03-2011, 10:50 PM
Re: Hysterectomy Humor

Thank you!
Unread 01-04-2011, 12:39 AM
Re: Hysterectomy Humor

Thanks! My husband even enjoyed (esp. #8).
Unread 01-04-2011, 01:08 AM
Re: Hysterectomy Humor

The humor made my day... thanx... here's some more...

At some point you will have what looks like mini spaghetti come out of your vagina. It will, of course, be when you are in the bathroom and running late for an appointment that will include a pelvic exam (or in the bathroom at the docor's office before a pelvic exam)...

Post-hysterectomy gas: the only thing louder than an old-fashioned boiler and gravity-hot water heating system... same noise and and they're both sealed!

I think they left the robot inside me and it's trying to claw its way out through (insert least favorite incision here).

The normally-affectionate cat has developed a new look of hurt because he doesn't understand why I won't let him sit on my lap/against my incisions. meOWWWWW!

I now have 6 belly buttons: the original and five extras.

Since unscrewing my belly button will make my *** fall off, will unscrewing all of my belly buttons make my arms, legs, head, and *** all fall off?

Which belly button do I use for a belly dance?

Do I need 5 more belly button rings?

The first time you go to the grocery store after the hysterectomy, all the carts will be stuck together and you'll have to ask a frail, 80-year-old lady to separate one for you.

The first time you try to cross a busy street, even when you wait for the green light and walk sign, you'll get stranded on the center island.

New and alarming symptoms will always occur at night and you'll get to know the medical service docs better than your own surgeon.

Super Glue's got nothing on DermaBond!

Unread 01-04-2011, 01:26 AM
Re: Hysterectomy Humor


Unread 01-04-2011, 03:57 AM
Re: Hysterectomy Humor

Don't forget getting in or out of bed,chair becomes a whole new challenge! just keep rolling back and forth you'll get there eventually thanks for the laughs...
Unread 01-04-2011, 04:26 AM
Re: Hysterectomy Humor

Quoting, "That "odor" they talk about sneaks up on you around week 3-4. Yes, you will find yourself offensive" - No one told me about that, and yes, I am experiencing that; what is it all about? I just assumed I was still symptomatic re: bladder/cystocele/rectocele issues for which the sling surgery is scheduled for Jan 26; Hysterectomy (kept ovaries) was Dec 14. Otherwise I feel great.

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