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let me join the scared party... let me join the scared party...

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Unread 11-13-2001, 08:27 PM
let me join the scared party...

i have been waiting for this gyno appointment since july. and now that it is finally here, I'M SCARED. i am not sure of the questions i should be asking. i haven't even started a list yet. i hope she hears me on wanting this surgery. do i DEMAND it? i am afraid she'll put on some med and tell me to come and see her in a month or whatever... do i take a leave of absence?

as i was on the couch with my heating pad (in gross pain) i briefly spoke to my husband on the phone as he was going off to have beers with his friends. i told him i am tired of this pain... all he said was, "well, you'll be seeing the doctor in 2 days. wait and see what she has to say." that's it. i didn't want to get into anything more over the phone.

so my new found group of gals, can you help me out here? pull me off the ceiling now!


ps. what does dh stand for?
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Unread 11-13-2001, 08:48 PM
let me join the scared party...

Yes, go right ahead and demand it. Don't sound "emotional" or "upset", just lay out all the reasons you have for wanting a hyst, right now. Here's my advice (slightly edited) from a thread back in May:

I convinced my doctor by giving him a thorough, rational list of reasons why I should have a hyst, and why now was a good time to do it.


- Be sure your doctor knows (assuming this is the case) that you're absolutely, positively sure you're never, ever going to want (more) children. If she brings up the issue of "possibly regretting it later" tell her how much you regret having to miss out on your own life right now because of all the pain you have. (I explained, truthfully, about how my mom never hoped for grandchildren out of me, because I'd been saying I'd never have kids since I was 5 years old.)

- Point out, emphatically, that you can not work. You desperately want to, but you can't You can't make a living. Your career is going to be shot if you can't get back on track soon. Your employment options are limited because you can't commit to being at work regularly, and forget about travelling on business.

- Point out that the very best you could hope for with [insert any suggested alternative treatment here] might be to buy some time. This will be time filled with possible side effects, and uncertainty about the future. Want to go to Europe next year? Feel good this month, and want to take on a job as a Park Ranger? Sorry, can't plan for that if you don't know what shape you'll be in down the road.

- Don't get into arguing the merits/faults of [her alternative]. Instead, talk to her about what might be the very best-case results you could expect if you took it, and it worked perfectly, and without any side effects. I'll bet it's something like "it might help somewhat, temporarily." It's almost certainly not "in 90% of cases it fixes everything right up and women have no more pain or troubles with bleeding for the rest of their lives." Point out to her how her "best case" is not at all an acceptable option.

- You might consider bringing your husband, who will of course show ample support (but not pushiness) for your having a hyst now, and will promise to take great care of you while you recover. (By the way, I think it's disgusting if your doctor won't take your word alone about your own health, but if it might help...)

- Tell her your health is being sacrificed because you are unable to consistantly exercise, participate in sports, ride your horse, body surf - whatever it is you do (or would like to do, if you could).

- Explain how you've had to withdraw from your community of friends and associates, because you can't participate in the things they do. In my case, I volunteered at a lot of horsey events out in the sticks, but had to bail on all my commitments when the bleeding got too bad to be "away from a bathroom". Eventually I couldn't even drive to the meetings.

- Tell her about how you want to enjoy your life with your husband, be able to plan ahead, and get over this and move on.

- If you have any great reason why *right now* is better than "waiting a while", bring those up. In my case it was because my business was "shut down", and I didn't dare get it going again, only to have to turn away all my customers (again), and because my DH was going to be home for two weeks around the holidays, and would be able to take care of me. If you can't think of a compelling reason to push things, think harder.

- I was also able to include that I am currently in good health otherwise, have good support at home, and am well insured. Who knows what the future might hold - a hyst later might be much more difficult for you to get, or tolerate.

Make a list of all the things you're going to say, and take it with you.

Be clear that you've given it a lot of thought, and this isn't an impulse decision. In my case I also told my doctor (again, truthfully) about how knowing I could have a hysterectomy someday was the only thing that got me through those cramp-filled, excused-from-PhysEd teenage years. (I innocently thought that when I was 18 I'd be able to make that decision. Ha! Try 38!)

If she still says she won't do it, tell her you like her and trust her, and would prefer to work with her, but you do need help, then ask her flat out if she can recommend a doctor who will help you.

Here's a thread that might be useful...

Scroll down to my post about "Cost/Benefit Analysis", and "do the math" for your own case. Bring your calculations with you to your appointment:


Good luck. I think it's appalling that women are expected to sacrifice their own lives "in case they decide they want to have children later". You've probably had years to think about this, and are a full-fledged adult - you ought to be allowed to get your life back.

<stepping down from my soapbox now>

By the way, my doctor's reaction was to stare for a few seconds, then tell me to go schedule it with his nurse.

Good luck!
Unread 11-14-2001, 11:02 PM
let me join the scared party...

Hi Patti,

I think Linda gave you some great advice. I would add one more thing I did that seemed to help my Dr. decide to give me a hyst despite the fact that I am 31 and childless. I typed out on a piece of paper the treatments I had tried - both conventional and wholistic - for the past 12 years to try to combat this, and also had my previous laps and other surgeries on the list. After looking at my long list, he conceded that the only thing left was to try Lupron. Given the horrible side effects that often accompany that drug, and the fact that the benefits are temporary, I didn't have much trouble convincing him that it was not a solution. And, I was very emphatic about not wanting to try it.

The important thing is to convey clearly and rationally why you feel you need this (if in fact it is what you want). And, be prepared to keep looking if you don't feel you have not found a compassionate, humane and competent Dr. I had to go through several doctors before I found a great man who really seemed to understand.

Also, DH can mean Darling Husband or ******** - use as appropriate!

Good luck to you, and let us know how your appt goes!

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Unread 11-14-2001, 11:34 PM
thank you


wow... i enjoyed your info! i have some idea what to tell the doc. thank you so much. i printed your post out and plan to take it along with me!


thank you. looks like my dh (hahaha i thought it stood for **** husband! :lol ) is going to come with me after all. he told me this morning why he doesn't want me to have the surgery. he says i am going to have to be on hormone treatment for the rest of my life, that i will have problems for the rest of my life, that his mom had problems when she had hers. (yeah, and your mom also had 8 kids.) i am just wondering if it the fact of NO SEX for 6 weeks. he has a strong drive and i don't know if he could last 6 weeks.

thanks again.
i will be back tomorrow after my appointment to let you know how it went... Xing my fingers it all goes the way i want it.

Unread 11-15-2001, 12:40 AM
let me join the scared party...

Hi Patti,

I am so glad that your DH decided to go to your appt with you. I think that if he becomes more involved and more educated, he may also be more supportive. No doubt he is afraid of you having this surgery, and my experience is that men are much more comfortable dealing with anger than with fear. Hopefully he will recognize that, while hormonal treatments are not perfect, and it may take you a while to find the right balance, odds are you will be much happier and healthier post-op than you are now. And perhaps, depending upon what your troubles are, you might be able to keep your ovary/ies.

As for the sex thing, you might suggest this is a time you can both be more creative. A friend of mine who had a hyst said that she and her husband had a lot of fun making out after and experiementing with other things. She said not being able to have sex brought back the excitement and anticipation she felt about being physical with her DH when they first started dating.

As for my definition of DH, I truly apologize if I offended anyone! I didn't know I couldn't use the "D" word here. ;-)

Good luck, and keep us posted.


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