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I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned) I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

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Unread 03-29-2011, 09:06 PM
I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

Day 12 Post-Op - Grief has caught me by surprise today. I have one daughter - one miracle given to us 7 years ago. She is beautiful, intelligent, stubborn, goofy.... and lonely. She has always wanted a brother or a sister and I have always wanted to give her one. Where my dream of being healthy has started, her dream of having a sibling has ended. And today, awful reminders: my sister, unaware of the pain she was causing, told me all about how close her 5 children are. A facebook friend posts about her chaotic day with her 4 children on Spring Break. Excitement because we thought our neighbor was going into labor with her third child. The pain stabs at my heart because we have not yet told our precious daughter the full ramifications of this surgery. How do I crush her little dreams? I feel so alone in this struggle. And I feel like I've failed her. I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm so sorry.
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Unread 03-30-2011, 03:41 AM
Re: I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

You have NOT failed your daughter in any way
I had wanted a little brother or sister but for the same reasons my parents didn't get that chance. While at the moment I was infatuated with the idea, it passed. I had a wonderful childhood filled with many friends and lots of happy moments. My parents were able to do things for me that they wouldn't have been able to if there had been another child. I know it doesn't make it any easier for you but she'll look back when she's older and tell you that you made the right decision. The decision to be able to remain the strong mother I'm sure you are, to take care of her and her needs and to have FUN with her. You deserve to be healthy and as an adult she would tell you so, because that's what I did. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain
Unread 03-30-2011, 07:10 AM
Re: I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

I'm certain your daughter would far sooner have her mother with her healthy than have a brother/sister and the risk of no mother or an unhealthy one.

So you have one child - You have been blessed with a daughter - I'm one of 3 - but our house from the age of 10 was filled with others who didn't have families who cared, because of our friendships they came to us, they went home to sleep sometimes but would get up and come back for breakfast and get dressed for school, after that it was back to us, 30 years on they still refer to my mum and their other mum and will tell anyone who listens that my parents treated them better than their own and are happy to tell people how much they helped them growing up.

That might be what it is store for you. Fate brings us what we are meant to have.

As heartbreaking as it is, take joy in your child and take each day as it comes.

When it comes to explaining to your daughter, just explain that because you were unwell you aren't able to have any babies but that god/angels or whoever you believe in will send her someone to grow with when the time is right.
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Unread 03-30-2011, 11:07 AM
Re: I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

My only child is 8. I sat him down and talked to him bout thiis same issue. He cried and I cried. I explained to him tha since he was a only child we could do more with him. And he could get more since we didn't have another /oney would not be so tight. I explain to him that if I would have had another baby it could have killed me. And he said I would rather have u than a brother or sister. I was honest with him and answered all his questions. I told him that God chose him to be my only son. God knew I could only have one (by a miracle).and he blessed me with one woonderful child. My surgery was march 8th. My son understood a lot better than I thought he would. Good luck and talk to her.
Unread 03-30-2011, 11:29 AM
Re: I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

Big hugs to you! My heart is sad with you. It took us 6 1/2 years to have our oldest daughter, who is now 10. I went through many miscarriages, a horrible ectopic, and treatments. After grieving, my DH and I just enjoyed our daughter as an only child. We later adopted our youngest from China when she was 1. Be encouraged that your daughter will be treasured. She was and is still very wanted by you.

I was to the point where I did not attend any baby showers for awhile. And... it still pains me to hear other mothers complain about their children and/or whine that they wish that their child's particular stage would be over. I enjoyed potty training, the tantrums, starting school, etc.

Big hugs to your daughter today.
Unread 03-30-2011, 06:00 PM
Re: I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

I do understand your sadness. I have one daughter, and then multiple miscarriages that completely broke my heart. But, now my daughter is 20 years old and a magnificent young woman. We are so very close, and I'm sure that part of that closeness comes from her being an only. While I would have dearly loved for her to have siblings, she still has many people who love her and she herself has no complaints or regrets in that regard.
Unread 03-31-2011, 01:19 PM
Re: I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

I took a break from my emotions for a day; sometimes I get so overwhelmed with sadness, I have to make myself think about other things. Thank you all so much for sharing. I feel comforted knowing I am not alone and there is someone who understands. Between my family and my friends, none have an only child. I have 6 siblings, so I do not know what it is like for my daughter to have none. I don't regret having the surgery - it was medically necessary. I just feel kind of lost. In foreign territory. Your replies have helped. My husband and I have talked about adoption and I was a volunteer youth leader at my church for 10 years before my daughter was born. So I see that there are many ways to have more children in our lives. I thought I had sorted through all of these emotions before my surgery, but I guess I still have some work to do. I am very grateful for my daughter and I'm excited to spend more time with her doing fun things after I recover. Talking to her won't be easy, and I'm sire we'll both cry, but I've gotta do it. I'll let you all know how it goes. Thanks again for your encouragement.
Unread 03-31-2011, 01:57 PM
Re: I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

I endured 4 years of stressful fertility treatments...and have a beautiful, handsome, loving 28 year old son. OUR ONLY.
When he was 4 years old I delivered a still born son on the same day my father died from lung cancer.
It was at that point,,I thanked GOD for giving me the one son i had...for entrusting me to be a good mother to him...for allowing me to become a parent. At no point in his 28 years has he ever mentioned, asked or wondered why he was an only. Never.
All he ever talks about is how special he has always felt...how very very loved...and very very wanted. My DH and I have explained to him about the still born brother I had...and that his grandfather passed away on the same day. His reaction? "Im sorry Mom you had to go thru that all, but Im glad I was there for you, even tho I dont remember much".
So honestly, I have never ever felt i let anyone down. I am just as much a mother as the woman across the street who has FIVE hellions running around the neighborhood. I have never felt the need to explain to anyone why WE have one child. And...at times when people ask,,"why did you have one child"? I respond by saying.."why do you have 2, 3 4, 5. 6???" Just as that is none of my business,,,them asking me WHY my DH and I have ONE is none of theirs.
We tried for 4 years....I have a wonderful son. GOD blessed me with one...I wasnt going to test GOD by being ungrateful after the death of my second, and guestioning why he choose the lifes path I am on. It was the path that was written for me the day I was born..and I accept it.
I dont feel my son has lacked for anything....materially, emotionally or spiritually. He has wonderful close friends....friends since he was in kindergarten that are as close to him, if not more so, than a sibling. He has my husbands and my undivided attention, and the light of our life.
So please, i know how hard it is. At my fathers and sons funeral...they were buried together with my baby laying in my dads arms..my cousin who is 1 year younger than me and expecting her child the same day as mine died....came to the luncheon after the funeral. She stayed as far away from me as she could. Which was ridiculous. I walked up to her as she held her 4 day old son....and said..."please let me hold him...he's beautiful...and had nothing to do with what happened...if i dont do this now, i never will". That was 24 years ago.
Please done beat yourself up about this. It was GODS plan. You have a beautiful, healthy little girl. There is no way at 7 years old she can feel her mother "let her down". She's 7! Sometimes things happen we are totally unable to control and this is one of them. Love her,,treasure her..thank GOD for allowing you to be this little girls mother...and never let anyone make you feel bad for having one child.
There are many many women out there who are unable to have any biological children....and go on to live loving productive lives. Dont judge yourself as a woman by the number of babies you bring into this world. You are so much more than that!!! Your daughter needs you for a very very very long time. You are her example...her strong arms when she needs a hug...her shoulder to cry on and her support when someday a boy breaks her heart or she doesnt make the cheerleading team or is cut from the softball team. You are who she needs!
Remember that. Dont put yourself down or alllow others to make you cry or feel anything less of a mother. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM...who has a child that needs her GREAT MOM around for an entire lifetime!
Children adjust. My SON is GREAT...doing well in his chosen career...has a masters degree...and just bought his first new home! The ONLIES of this world do just fine! Believe me.
Take care friend. Stay strong for your daughter. And know the surgery you had was to better your life to make sure you were going to be here to be with her as she grew up!!
Best wishes to you!!
Unread 04-01-2011, 12:11 AM
Re: I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

I’m an only child. Mother had a hysterectomy when I was 4. She explained the surgery and that she wouldn't be able to have more children. (My parents were always very open with me. ) I definitely understood what was happening and was very afraid. My father was fine as a dad, but I knew that my world was going to be a whole lot worse if my mother died. Happily, she lived for decades.

For a couple of years, I kept asking them to adopt. I was very disappointed that they didn't, because I wanted a full-time playmate. I had no idea what it meant to live with other kids. Once I was in the position to see the interactions of my friends and their siblings up close, I stopped asking about adoption. Those kids were sooo mean to each other. I started being very grateful to be an “only”!

I never, ever blamed either of my parents for not having more children. I am deeply grateful for the time, energy, and love they gave me.

Hugs to all of you.
Unread 04-01-2011, 09:44 PM
Re: I'm sorry sweetie.... (child mentioned)

As everyone has already said, you have NOT failed anyone. There was never any sort of guarantee that you'd ever be able to have another child. This is just how things worked out for you.

I'm not going to tell you that you "should" feel any certain way. What I am going to suggest is that, just for today, try to cut yourself some slack. You're still in the very early phase of recovery, and there can be complete emotional meltdowns on a regular basis. The anesthesia hasn't even gotten out of your system yet!

In the days and weeks ahead, you may find yourself feeling sad, happy, lonely, exhausted, or a combination of all of these feelings. I'm not saying you shouldn't pay attention to your feelings -- far from it. But the way you feel today may not have anything to do with tomorrow's frame of mind. So try not to do anything too drastic for a while -- just let things slide and relax and heal.

One thing that might be helpful for you is to start a journal. Just seeing those feelings on paper might help you work through them. I had a journal here at Hyster Sisters that I updated for quite a while, and it was really, really good for me to have an outlet where I knew the readers would be kind and supportive, no matter what I was thinking or feeling at the time.

I hope you feel much better very soon. Hang in there.

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