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Broken and depressed Broken and depressed

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Unread 08-26-2011, 10:07 PM
Broken and depressed

Hi My Sisters, 24 days and counting. Soon the day of my surgery is creeping upon me. I have been feeling emotionally run down, lately. I am no longer happy or smiling, I am having second thoughts. The what ifs, the why's all the negativity I am constantly hearing. I feel terrible about losing my womanhood, the very core of me. I know I will not be the same person I was, problem is I am ready to accept this. I have alot of support, but I still feel alone. Nobody knows how I feel or what I am feeling now. I am experiencing bouts of anxiety and panic attacks. Will life be worth living after my surgery? I am 45 yrs old and have had multiple miscarriages at least 4 I can remember. I had a myomectomy in 98' and still had miscarriages. I chalk it up to God hates me, and I sometimes I wish I would die that way I won't have to experience the pain of going through this. Is something wrong with me? I am sorry for venting like a raving lunatic.
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Unread 08-26-2011, 10:42 PM
Re: Broken and depressed

Oh dear God does not hate you! You will get thru this and be stronger because of it. I'm 3 weeks post op today and I am 38 with no children. I can somewhat relate and I understand the feelings you may be having. I've learned that God has a plan for me, you and all of us. It may not be what we plan but He will see you thru this. I'm not very religious but I have faith and hope now because of this site. I wish I could give you a big hug!! You have found a place here were you are not alone! I pray you make the right choice for yourself and if you decide to have the surgery may you have a speedy recovery! Hugs!!
Unread 08-26-2011, 10:46 PM
Re: Broken and depressed

I'm so sorry you're feeling so anxious! You are NOT losing your womanhood! You will not be the same person as before the surgery, you will be BETTER!!! I had my surgery last week and I am already in a ton of less pain than before! And I hemmed and hawwed for a while too. I didn't know if it was the right choice or not, but the day after surgery I felt like a million bucks. Sore, but great. I have gotten stronger slowly, and life is certainly worth living after surgery!

Please do not think God hates you! He created you! Right now you have health issues that might be making you depressed, this surgery should help with that.

I totally understand the feeling alone. You're not - there are a million ladies right here to help you! They have helped me and many others.

I will keep you in my prayers.
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Unread 08-27-2011, 12:14 AM
Re: Broken and depressed

I hear you. I've felt 'broken' for a while now... and since my surgery it's been a real emotional rollercoaster. I'm 46 and had already made the choice not to have children, so it's not so much about that... it's just been such a long time since I felt healthy and happy, because before surgery I was severely anemic due to fibroids.

But I'm so thankful to be on the other side of surgery, to know that I AM on the road to recovery. It's only been 16 days, and I know it will take time... but I know that when I heal I'll get my energy back, my enthusiasm for life, and I'll feel good again. It WILL happen, for all of us.
Unread 08-27-2011, 12:34 AM
Re: Broken and depressed

Wish I could reach through the monitor and give you a reassuring hug!

I hope there are folks you can talk to, in real time. I get anxiety too, and I find that my brain just takes it and runs--I don't even notice how bleak it's gotten until I bounce my thoughts against someone else. Even an anonymous crisis hotline can be so incredibly helpful to have that "reality check".

Your feelings and your anxiety all make perfect sense. The trick is, while honoring them, to unpack them a little.

You're worried that post-surgery life might not be worth living--and part of that, I think, comes from a worry that you won't be strong enough to handle recovery and the future. Both of which are things you haven't experienced yet, so it makes total sense to be afraid about them.

But in simply getting to this point, you've already weathered enormous pain and proven yourself to be incredibly strong. Looking at anything before it happens is terrifying: shoot, I can make myself afraid of falling asleep. But when you're actually moving through it--as you were, I'm sure, with incredible grace and courage during your miscarriages and through your diagnosis--you find yourself, daily, meeting the challenge. And you find little moments, even in the hard spots, that are worth having. I can only imagine that, if your life up to this point has been ultimately "worth it", the time to come, when you're free of the symptoms leading you to this point will be even richer in so many ways!

This surgery is on your plate because it's a difficult and necessary thing that will IMPROVE your life--because the beautiful things in your future are worth getting to through exactly the challenge you're facing right now. It's hard,and it's scary, but you're doing something brave--you're moving towards a better time.

Thinking good thoughts for you!
Unread 08-27-2011, 12:43 AM
Re: Broken and depressed

But the best is yet to come!!!!! I PROMISE!!!!!You WILL feel better soon, we've all been there.
Unread 08-27-2011, 01:12 PM
Re: Broken and depressed

You will be able to handle this. You are doing the normal thing and that is to think the worse. I do that too so understand. You will not be any less of a woman and God does not hate you. He has a different plan whether it be adopting or whatever. I would also say that if you continue to feel this way, find a counselor, priest, etc. to talk about it. It does help and there are plenty of us here who have been in your shoes. It does improve and hopefully you will start to improve and feel better after the surgery,
Unread 08-27-2011, 02:14 PM
Re: Broken and depressed

Hi, I was extremely anxious having this surgery. I think most women are. I am 46 though I have not gone through what you have in your life, this may be making you more worried. Sounds like you need to talk to your doctor about the way you are feeling and you might need anti-depressant medication to help with your anxiety, in this day and age it is not shame to ask for help. Your feelings are normal to a degree, since I do not know you all I can do is get a sense from your posting and it sounds like you should talk to your doctor and say exactly what you said on here and see what he/she thinks. Your emotions sound a bit stronger than just the typical anxiety. I wish you all the best.
Unread 08-27-2011, 02:37 PM
Re: Broken and depressed

You are not broken & God doesn't hate you. What you've been through over the years has just made you stronger than most women. You've won every battle hun because you are still here. There is a reason for that.

I've often thought "why me" "why do I have to have issues"......

I have felt that way for years and now, I feel "fixed". I'm not broken anymore and the reason for me being broken is completely gone. I don't regret having my hysterectomy. Its the best thing I've done for myself. I wish I had done it many years ago when I was younger so I wouldn't have felt broken for so long.

I don't feel like I've lost my womanhood. My womanhood turned against me in a horrible way many years ago. I now feel more like a woman should, even though I'm still healing and of course, not up to speed & won't be for a while.

If you could only see the pics of my uterus................ughh, it looked like a freaking alien seed pod, roughly 15in in length, and looked to be that big around also. It was full of fibroids bulging out from all directions. It was huge and sucking the life out of me.

Hang in there and stay strong.

Unread 08-27-2011, 04:13 PM
Re: Broken and depressed

Oh honey, God does not hate you at all. I always tell people 'God wouldn't put ya through it if he couldn't get ya through it'! I am so so sorry about your miscarrages, I can only imagine how hard that has to be. Life WILL be worth living after all of this and it will be a fantastic life.

I think all of us here have the 'why me?' moments and the 'what if?' moments but we have to keep moving forward. And I think that a lot of us on here feel alone because it is hard to find someone close to you that knows what you are going through. That is why you have this site. Because even though we dont know exactly how you are feeling (because everyone's feelings are different) at least we have an idea as to what you are going through.

And dont think of it as losing your women hood. Think of it as a means to healing. Everyone on this site has a different reason for having a hysterectomy but we all keep the women hood alive in each other. Go to your bathroom, look in the mirror and smile at yourself, make faces at yourself to make you laugh and just have a giggle! You deserve to smile and you deserve to be happy. Yes we go through dark times and times of not understanding but if you can just smile at yourself in the mirror once a day, it will make it easier.

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