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TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery! TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

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  #1  
Unread 09-10-2011, 10:27 AM
TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

Finally my TLH is next Monday. I am looking forward to getting rid of the heavy periods and the pain, but I am also terrified and anxious, and I'm having anger control issues. But the worst of all is, I am terrified of my mother coming home to "help".

I have never got along with my mother. I am an only child, and she has always wanted to control my life, even now that I am 40 and happily married. When I was little she took me to all kinds of doctors even though I was healthy, I think she wanted me to be ill so she could take care of me all the time. She does not like my husband, she does not like that I have a llife of my own, she phones me every day and gets angry when I tell her I cannot talk because I am working or doing something.

Yesterday she told me she wanted to stay at my home after my surgery, although my DH will be with me for at least two weeks. But this is the perfect opportunity for her... Anyway, my DH will not let her stay with us, so I fear there will be problems...

Has any of you been in the same situation? I think I may get an ulcer because of this!
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  #2  
Unread 09-10-2011, 11:02 AM
Re: TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

First off, I would suggest that you take some really deep breaths. What I tend to do in any difficult situation is to weigh pros and cons to help me decide. Now it would be nice to have a "helpful" mom to be there but if she isn't that, then maybe just say no way. I am not sure how close she is to where you live but maybe suggest a good hotel for her. It is really tricky when a family member is not so helpful.If you don't want your mom to be with you, then you may have to say no. You need rest not stress and anxiety brought on by your mom. Parents can be challenging at times so I do understand this. I think you need to put yourself as number one and the rest will fall into place. Good luck!! I am totally behind whatever you chose.
  #3  
Unread 09-10-2011, 12:00 PM
Re: TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

Hi zenyatta5, and thank you so much for your reply!
It's good to know somebody understands. I do love my mom, but "challenging" is the perfect word for her. I used to argue with her all the time, but after my father passed away ten years ago I just seem to be unable to say no to her, I always feel guilty when I do so. Anyway, you are right, I will need rest after my surgery, so she will have to understand she cannot stay with us. After all she lives in the same city, it only takes her 30 minutes to come to my home!
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  #4  
Unread 09-10-2011, 12:11 PM
Re: TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

Look her straight in the eye and say, "I love you, and I am so grateful that you want to help. This is a very difficult time for me, and I ask you to trust me when I say that the help I genuinely need from you is....(whatever it is, specifically.) Thank you so much for putting my needs above yours: it means a lot to me that I can count on you for this."

Then, have her run extremely specific caretaking errands: send her across town (heck, across state lines...) for exactly the kind of pudding you crave post-op, have her pick up prescriptions, buy stool softener, whatever. Ways to nurture you without being WITH you. She has a need right now: to take care of her daughter. Let her meet that need without spending weeks up your nose.

FWIW, I'm in the same boat, but no DH, and difficult mom actually WILL stay with me.

Prayers for us both!
  #5  
Unread 09-10-2011, 12:59 PM
Re: TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

Thank you Turanga_4, I think I will do as you say. If she is busy doing errands she will have no time to argue with me or my husband. LOL. Now that I think about it, there is this really DARK chocolate I absolutely crave, and only a handful of shops in town sell it... I have a couple of bars stored for after the Hyst, but I will ask my mom to go on a quest ang get me a couple more. Mmm... I might also send her to fetch me a Dragonball...

I will also pray for you, and I hope your mom will be less difficult when she stays with you. Good luck!
  #6  
Unread 09-10-2011, 01:38 PM
Re: TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

Sounds like a perfect idea. Hopefully both of your moms will behave. I know how hard it is to have parents who are tough. Hopefully, you will have an easy surgery and recovery.
  #7  
Unread 09-11-2011, 05:15 PM
Re: TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

Just wanted to say that I agree with you. I intend to tell my DH that neither mother is to visit during my surgery or recovery. They cause me more stress when they visit because they get on my nerves and leave my house a mess when they leave. I had wrist surgery last December and they visited and left me with a disaster to clean after they left. My entire arm was in a splint and wrapped and I had to clean after they left because my husband had his wisdom teeth out a few days after my surgery. My mother supposedly got sick while she was here, but it was all attention getting unfortunately. She has always had issues with needing attention and faking illness to get it. My lesson: do not allow out of town visitors at all. I will be as independent as possible and rely on my DH, teens, and friends to help as needed. Luckily for me (haha) I want to be left alone when I don't feel well, so quiet time without family or visitors will be perfect.
  #8  
Unread 09-15-2011, 12:44 PM
Re: TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

  Quote:
Originally Posted by tennessee70 View Post
My lesson: do not allow out of town visitors at all. I will be as independent as possible and rely on my DH, teens, and friends to help as needed. Luckily for me (haha) I want to be left alone when I don't feel well, so quiet time without family or visitors will be perfect.
My thoughts exactly! I also prefer to be left alone when I don't feel well. I am now back from the castle and resting a lot, and my DH is making sure I have a quiet time. My mom came to the hospital and, as expected, tried to get all the attention. She even started to tell me something about her friend's daughter's swelly belly and how she fixed it with plastic surgery... when I was just 4 hours post-op and still dizzy! Fortunately DH told her she should keep quiet or get out of the room. LOL! At least it seems she undestood, and she will visit us next week, so I think I'll manage
  #9  
Unread 09-15-2011, 02:10 PM
Re: TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

Oh wow, and I thought MY mom was going to be a pain in the patooty when she comes to help. At least she doesn't fight with my hubby...that much anyway. My mom also has always tried to keep me under her thumb and continues to treat me like a 2-year-old. I pretty much ignore her, which drives her batty, but I understand the stress it puts you and yours under. I agree with all the wonderful suggestions here. While it's never been an issue that my mother would stay here (she has animals at home she has to take care of, thank goodness!!), I've already made plans to keep her busy and out of my hair. Make plans now to keep her busy so that she's not arguing with you and yours. If you can tolerate how she loads the dishwasher, make that one of her jobs. Make her feel good by telling her, whether it's true or not, that your husband doesn't load it properly, and you'd feel better if she did it so that you knew the dishes would be clean. Give her jobs and errands to do that even though your husband could probably do them, make her feel like she's the only one who can do them right. It'll get her out of your hair, make her feel like she's really doing a great job of taking care of her daughter, and if she's happy, the rest of you can be happy. Good luck!!! I wish you the best in dealing with your mom and your surgery.
  #10  
Unread 09-15-2011, 02:54 PM
Re: TLH on Monday. But I am more terrified of my mother than surgery!

Turanga_4. that is perfect advise.. on sending mom "out" for errands..
I'm 44 and my mother's only child just as you are anghara. She lives 2 hours away, not very maternal and takes things such as my pending surgery to the (negative)extreme. I had to tell her if she can't be positive about the decision that's best for me, I don't want to hear it.
DH will be around, thank God, my mil will also be on standby. One mom is good with meals, my mother in law is good for keeping the house tidy. Lord, give us strength!
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