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Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

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Unread 11-30-2011, 11:44 AM
Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

I'd describe myself as an ageing punk chick, and so I have a pretty diverse group of friends. Since I got the date for my surgery, I've noticed something weird: my male friends have all been super. More supportive than I would have thought. With the exception of one, though, my girl friends have been really off. I know that they are, for the most part, either trying to get pregnant or are pregnant. It's one of THOSE moments in life. One friend will not stop sending me articles about natural childbirth or pics from her ultrasounds. I THINK she's actually trying to cheer me up by sharing her joy with me. Which is not how it feels over here. One is just avoiding me - the women in her family have all had hysterectomies but her, and I think she might be freaked out. I guess I'm saying that I understand that this whole thing brings up issues for the people around me as well as me, and that even people you love don't always know what to say or do. But I am losing it, with a capital LO. I don't want to spend my entire week sniveling into the sleeve of my bathrobe, alone.

I am trying to stay upbeat when I talk to people, so that I'm not a weepy drama queen in public. Should I maybe let it all hang out instead? Maybe they can't see how much it hurts. But then (no offense to men), how can the guys tell? They're not usually the first to notice emotional stuff.

Any of you have any suggestions for ways to talk to my freaked out friends about this? Should I write a letter? Tell them my hysterectomy isn't contagious? Is there a polite way of telling close and well loved friends that you do not want to hear about their bundle of joy right now? I feel pretty adrift. And I should just be grateful for my guy friends, but right now I really want my ladies around me.

Thanks all. I love this site.
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Unread 11-30-2011, 12:04 PM
Re: Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

Honey I feel for you. You're right, this surgery does bring up all kinds of feelings for the people around us. I don't know what to suggest other than an open honest conversation that conveys how difficult this is for you and how you need their support right now. None of my girlfriends understands how difficult this has been for me. Most of them try though. I do have one friend I've only talked to once since my surgery. When I was pre-op I tried to tell her how I felt and she told me to quit my pity party and get on with it. She actually gave me a deadline for how long I was allowed to feel sad before I had to "stop feeling sorry for myself". Very hurtful. I really hope your friends come around and give you the love you need to get through this.
Unread 11-30-2011, 12:20 PM
Re: Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

I know how you feel. I have a friend who is currently pregnant with her 2nd child. I get 3 and 4 paragraph emails from her about how she's feeling and u/s pics. Her responses to me are 3 or 4 sentences. I think with your female friends it's partly fear beacuse they know it could happen to them too. You can always tell your friend that you love her, are happy for her, and want some updates on her pregnancy but not constant articles, pictures, and upates. If she's truly a good friend she'll understand and won't get her feelings her too bad.
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Unread 11-30-2011, 03:08 PM
Re: Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

So sorry! I think the realization that if this can be happening to you it can happen to them is causing them to not know what to do. They may be afraid they will say something wrong and upset you. Of course, they may just want to avoid the subject entirely as if "we don't talk about it & it won't happen". Wishing there was a spa that we could all go to & recover together!! Best of luck - hope they begin to realize the value of your friendship.
Unread 11-30-2011, 03:30 PM
Re: Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

Healthy friends mean well they just understand. They try to be on the everything is normal path and they don't mean to make you feel bad. In their own way its their was to make you feel better. Sometimes we need to speak up for ourselves. I know how hard that is because I am the keeper of everyones feelings. Well right now life is about me and sometimes you need to say that...The hubbies grandmother was healthy all here life when she started going downhill. When people were around tell her so and so was sick she would speak up loudly to say You know I am not a well woman myself!!! It always made me laugh. Hopefully you can take her advise even though it wasn't directed at you...Good luck....
Unread 11-30-2011, 04:19 PM
Re: Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

I've been trying to keep all off my surgeries very private. I only tell my family when I have surgery. I don't like sympathy and I don't want people to act differently around me. Well, I have been having a hard time dealing with this one and I decided to tell some very close friends. They brushed it off like it was nothing and one, who happens to be pregnant, said that she wished she could do that and never deal with periods again. Then they quickly changed the subject. I was even angrier after telling them. It took so much of me to do it and then they made me feel like it was a selfish choice (so I wouldn't have to deal with periods anymore) and that no one even cares. This is huge to me. I am only 30 - I'm way too young for this and I feel like I have no support besides my husband. I just want my pain to be over with! Glad I at least have my sisters! Thanks ladies!
Unread 11-30-2011, 04:30 PM
Re: Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

Jespearce, I'm the same about my privacy. And it's hard to tell people! I'm sorry your friends are not being supportive. This is a big deal. I'm glad this site is here so we can at least talk to each other!
Unread 11-30-2011, 04:31 PM
Re: Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

If I hear another person tell me I'm lucky because I don't have to worry about my period or an unplanned pregnancy, I will lose it. I miss my period, I miss my uterus and I would have welcomed a surprise pregnancy just as happily as if I'd planned it.
Unread 11-30-2011, 04:35 PM
Re: Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

Originally Posted by sugarandspice View Post
If I hear another person tell me I'm lucky because I don't have to worry about my period or an unplanned pregnancy, I will lose it. I miss my period, I miss my uterus and I would have welcomed a surprise pregnancy just as happily as if I'd planned it.

Oh, people KEEP saying this to me. "No more worries about birth control!" They don't know how much we'd hoped to have a baby. I haven't 'worried' about birth control for a long time.

I guess this is the week where I just tear up everywhere all the time. Maybe that will help demonstrate how hard this really is!
Unread 11-30-2011, 04:38 PM
Re: Friends being weird? Children, not mine, mentioned

AMEN, sugarandspice! Less than a week before my hysterectomy, I gave a friend a big bag of baby stuff... She commented that it must be "so liberating" to get rid of all the baby clutter and not have to worry about dealing with pregnancy and baby stress again. I mustered a half-smile and said I wouldn't have minded....

Yakfarmer.... I'm sorry. It's hard enough as is, without well-meaning OR misinformed/clueless friends making things harder on you. I can't imagine anyone voluntarily doing this just for fun; those that haven't been where we are don't seem to get the mental and physical toll this decision (and the process GETTING TO the decision) can take. I'm glad you've found support in your male friends; I hope your girl friends are able to get it together. Sending you natural childbirth articles?? I'd be inclined to write her a "listen, I'm excited for you, but as this is a chapter that's forever closing in my own life, I'd rather not receive the articles." I honestly do not get her mindset...?

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