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Blue Christmas Blue Christmas

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  #1  
Unread 12-25-2001, 04:01 PM
Blue Christmas

Hi--

I hate to bother you guys with my problems, but I feel like you are my only friends in the world right now. I had a really blue Christmas -- we went to my in-laws (I don't really speak to my own side of the family - long story...). Anyway, we were there and everyone was all happy and cheery and laughing about all of the things they were going to be doing in the new year. I became very depressed because, well, what do I have to look forward to besides more chemo (my appointment was changed to December 31). After dinner and before we opened presents, I had to leave the living room and go into the bedroom to cry because I felt so bummed out about my future. (I know they only found two tiny spots and I should be grateful, but I feel so sad). My mother-in-law and husband came in to look in on me and found me crying my eyes out. We ended up opening our own presents and leaving early. I feel so dumb. I mean, everyone else was so happy and cheery and I could hardly keep from crying. These past two Christmas's I have been on chemo and I'm so sick of it. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life besides more chemo, and sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it. I am seeing a psychiatrist and am on antidepressants, but at times, I just feel so overwhelmed. I just had to unload somewhere. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Do you have any advice? I don't feel very strong right now...

Love,

Cyndy
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  #2  
Unread 12-25-2001, 04:42 PM
Blue Christmas

Hey hon!!!

Well.....I sure know what you are talking about. I finished chemo on Dec. 22nd last year and spent christmas alone (by choice), and in a chemo fog, and very depressed. I truly know what that feeling is like. I didn't think I would ever feel better again Cyndy, and I truly mean that. I remember family and my best friend calling last year, and I could hardly be nice to them. They meant well, but I was in no mood for it.

You are entitled to feel what you feel. Its really hard to put on a smile when you are not feeling happy, and you don't have to do that. You are going through a really rough time, and christmas has a tendency to bring lots of people down.

I am sure your inlaws were trying to take your mind off things, but its very hard when you are the one going through this not them.

I understand about saying you are sick of this, and you wonder if its worth it. I think YOU'RE worth it, and as hard as it is I pray you find the strength to get through this dear lady. The only thing I can tell you ( and I am sure you have heard this before) is that you will feel better and you have had your share of problems for sure, and no one here will deny you that. I am really glad to hear you are seeing a psychiatrist and are taking something. Sometimes it takes a few tries to get the right meds, to make you feel better so if the one you are taking isn't helping, then by all means let him/her know this.

I can tell you that once the holidays were over last year, I felt better and I pray the same happens for you.
I don't think anything I said here is going to help you to feel better but please know you are not alone, and that you can come here and share your feelings anytime.

Keeping you in my prayers ((((Cyndy))))))
Love and Hugs,
xoxo
  #3  
Unread 12-25-2001, 05:54 PM
Blue Christmas

CYNDY,

I ALSO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I DID NOT HAVE A BAD CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR BUT, BOY MY 4TH OF JULY AND DAUGHTERS B/DAY WERE A COMPLETE DISASTER FOR ME.

I ONLY WANTED TO CRY, ALL THE TIME. THIS WAS WHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT MY CANCER AND I DID'NT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT THE WORDS MY DR. SAID TO ME " IT'S CANCER".

OH GOD, I COULD'NT BE HAPPY I COULD'NT BE SOCIABLE,I JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO LEAVE ME ALONE TO "DIE".
WHILE EVERYBODY WAS ENJOYING THE FIREWORKS AND B/DAY CAKE I JUST KEPT GOING INTO MY HOUSE ALL CHOCKED UP. I DID'NT WANT TO SPOIL IT FOR ANYONE BUT, I JUST COULD NOT BE HAPPY.

THIS IS VERY NORMAL.WHY WOULD YOU BE HAPPY WITH THAT ON YOUR MIND?YOU TRY TO LOSE YOUR THOUGHTS OF IT BUT YOU CAN'T.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL BUT, THIS WILL SOON END AND YOUR CHEMO WILL BE OVER. THERE ARE MANY MORE HOLIDAYS YOU WILL SPEND FEELING HAPPY. SPRING IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

YOU WILL BE FINE. THE NEXT HOLIDAY WE HAVE YOU WILL ENJOY YOURSELF.

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU, AND TRY TO THINK POSITIVE BECAUSE IT WILL BE O.K. GLAD THEY FOUND YOUR 2 SMALL SPOTS EARLY THEY WILL CURE YOU. BE PATIENT!!

OH! 1 MORE THING. YOU CERTAINTLY ARE WORTH IT. PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT WHY. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON AND YOUR WORTH EVERYTHING.
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  #4  
Unread 12-25-2001, 06:40 PM
Blue Christmas

Dear Cyndy
I can just imagine how tough today was for you! Sometimes it is very
hard to be around celebrating, happy, carefree people. We can feel so
alone in the midst of those we love the best. No matter how hard they
may try, they can't begin to imagine the burden we carry everyday.
I think all of your feelings are so normal and healthy. Your recurence is
still so new and overwhelming. But you will definitely get through this
chemo a second time. I have a little book that I have found so
inspirational! I'm not sure if I can mention it, but I will. It is called
"There is No Place Like Hope." The author is Vickie Girard. Please
get it! It is easy reading, even on chemo fog brain days. I know you
would find it helpful. It may even make you smile.
Please know you are not alone. My thoughts and prayers go off to
you everyday.
oxoxoxoxkarenann ovcaIII
ray:
  #5  
Unread 12-25-2001, 07:22 PM
Blue Christmas

Hiya, Cyndy. I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. It sure is hard , especially at this time of year.

I cant say that I can say how you feel, as I didnt have to face treatment after treatment but I know it is hard when things seem to fail. Sending lots of love and hugs to you . Know that you are being thought of constantly . We are here for you at all times. Much love always x x x
  #6  
Unread 12-25-2001, 07:57 PM
Blue Christmas

Cyndy
I think that what you are feeling is perfectly normal!! I am really glad that you came here to let those emotions out too. I hope that typing has helped you to feel better. Please remember that we are always here for you!!!!
  #7  
Unread 12-25-2001, 11:16 PM
Hi Cyndy

Hi Cyndy
I hear what you are saying. I am not having chemo, but I know what it is like to sit in a room full of people and listen to the laughter and not feel it. This year that is what it was like to me. Guarded behavior I guess. A few times I caught myself thinking things that were just very black and depressing. I had to physically get up and do something to take my mind off it.

You are so lucky that they only found two tiny spots. So everytime you feel bad, reinforce the bad thought with a positive one. That is what I'm trying to do. I keep forcing myself to do it.

I Hope You Feel Better Soon - RobinS
  #8  
Unread 12-26-2001, 07:02 AM
Blue Christmas

{{{Cyndy}}}

Sending more prayers your way.

  #9  
Unread 12-26-2001, 07:14 AM
Blue Christmas

Cyndy,
I can feel the fear. But don't let it take control! Live each day! My birthday is this friday........I have decided to CELEBRATE this birthday. I am just so glad to be having one. When I was first diagnosed I did not know what was going to happen, I just figured I was going to die. I try not to get ahead of my self. I take it one day at a time, sometimes you need to take it one moment at a time. Having a cancer diagnosis is a terrifying experience. Allow yourself the time to feel the anxiety, but then move on so that you can enjoy the wonderful things in life. I see people sweat the small stuff, and I think, if only they knew. You and all of the ladies here.........we know! Please take i easy, take comfort in kowing that you are not alone......and you will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and Hugs to you!
Valentina
  #10  
Unread 12-28-2001, 07:33 PM
{{{Cyndy}}}

Yes, I understand. When I was told I had cancer and they would not know how far it had spread or what kind of procedure I would end up with until I woke up in recovery, I cried every day. It was very hard to just do normal things for that month I had to wait for surgery.

My handicapped mom lives with us and it was not easy to take care of her and know I had cancer and not tell her. She wanted to know why I was crying all the time. I just told her I was afraid of the surgery, not that I had cancer.

I ended up with a TAH/BSO and an organ wash, which is a chemo solution. I was sick for 3 months from that. At Christmas last year we went to my stepson`s home. There were about 30 people, several kidlets. I went upstairs and went to bed for 4 hours. I felt depressed because I still felt so sick. The noise and confusion of all the people didn`t mix too well with my brain fog, even though they are all people I know and love.

I have had one pesky thing after the other pop up since my surgery. I have had some dark moments. I am sick of going to the Dr., yet I am at one every week for one thing or the other. There were times that I wished I had not had the surgery and took my chances with the cancer, as crazy as that sounds, I meant it when I had those thoughts.

I have since been clear of cancer, but I have now been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, IBS and who knows what else is wrong that they haven`t put a name to yet. I try to stay positive, but when you don`t feel good and are in pain for 24 hours a day for over a year, you get a little short on the positive side.

One thing that has helped jazz me up a little is Wellbutrin, an antidepressant. I don`t know what anti you are on, but this one doesn`t zone me out...it gives me a lift, some energy. Little by little I am working my way out of all the post op things. Physical therapy is helping. Whew, its a long road, though.

Come here and vent anytime, Cyndy. Everyone here understands like no one in the 'real' world does nor can if they haven`t walked a mile in our shoes.

Now I am going to tell you one thing I did...and it sounds kinda nutty, I guess, but it helped me. I would eat M and M`s and imagine every one of them running through my body devouring the cancer cells. Sort of like chocolate Pac Man. I felt like I was doing something to help and it kept my mind occupied.

Gosh, Cyndy...I`ve had fears I have never told anyone but a few of the gals here. My husband doesn`t even know some of the things I have thought or felt. I know this whole cancer thing pained him also and I just don`t want to put more on his heart. I am glad we all have each other.

Wrapping you in prayer.

{{{{{{{{{{{{healing hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

kaatie
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