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DH is no prince. DH is no prince.

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Unread 12-25-2001, 06:48 PM
DH is no prince.

Hi Sisters,

Maybe this thread belongs in a different website but I thought I would give it a shot to see if anyone out there can offer some advice.

Here it is, 2 days before my surgery, and I have no loving support from my husband. The abbreviation "DH" does not apply in my case. He is downright mean and abusive. When I break down, I get no comforting hugs or a shoulder to cry on. Instead, I get ridiculed. I have been living under a shroud of mental and physical abuse for some time now but this really tops it. How can a man shunt his wife when she is at her most vulnerable time in her life?

To make matters worse, I don't have any family in this country and very few friends. Thank goodness for this website. You have all been a fountain of strength for me.

My husband has been so mean, I don't even want him near me on surgery day. The last time I had surgery (myomectomy for 11 fibroids), he abandoned me on the day I left the hospital leaving me unassisted in a two story duplex with no way to make it up and down the stairs without help. I ended up in the dark with windows and doors wide open all night and no food.

I know what you're thinking....Why don't you get rid of him? Maybe I will after I recover but how do I get through the surgery with a man who will cause me more pain and anguish than I need and will, no doubt, slow down my recovery period? I am not asking for sympathy or pity. I just need to vent. Thanks for listening.

Happy Holidays and Best Wishes to all the sisters.

Myomectomy for 11 fibroids of various sizes 1992. Scheduled TAH 27 December for very large fibroids (16 week size uterus).
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Unread 12-25-2001, 07:06 PM
DH is no prince.

Hi Luisa, I'm very sorry you are going through this. and . You have enough to worry about with an upcoming surgery. All I can say is I do hope things get better for you soon.

Unread 12-25-2001, 07:22 PM
DH is no prince.

Hi Luisa,
I as well am very sorry you are going through this.
Its very difficult when those we count on the most are not as supportive as we would hope.

Luisa, do you belong to a chruch, or organization who may be to help you out for a couple days when you get home?

I am in Canada, and not familiar with the types of help organizations available in the States, but perhaps if you call the state community or social services dept. they could put you in touch with someone who could perhaps check in on you, or at least give you a number to call if you require anything those first few days home. If you explain your situation to the hospital they may also be able to put you in touch with an agency.

If this is not possible, than please try and have your room set up ahead of time with all the things you will need such as maybe a cooler with juice boxes and water. And some microwavable quick dishes would be really good to have on hand as well. Some reading material, and of course a phone.

I really hope you will try the state agencies as they may have someone who can help you out. I am very sorry you are going through this without family near you!!

It would be wonderful if your doctor could have a little talk to your husband, so he will realize that you will need his support when you get home.

If you do call an agency, I hope you will post to let us know.
Take care Luisa, I will keep you in my prayers, and I wish you the very best.
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Unread 12-25-2001, 08:30 PM
Re: DH is no prince

Dear sweet Luisa,

My heart really goes out to you, I just read your post it just about brought me to tears, it also brought up some old memories along with all the emotions that go with them. I hate to hear of anyone going through this situation, I have been w/ my husband 15 yrs., in 1993 I had a surgery not a major one (Hemroidectomy), but to me it was a major thing, at the time my husband and I had only been together 6 yrs. and he owned his own auto body shop, he was never around and my son from my first mar. was maybe 11 or 12 and he is the one who basically took care of me. I won't get into details but I hemoragged 2 weeks later some internal stitches had popped and I spent the next day in the emergency room DH was there until an hour before they took me into emergency surgery, and he up and left said he was tired and wanted to go home to sleep.
Well, he wasn't quite as cruel verbally but I can somewhat relate. Thank God my parents came down from Ft. Laud and were there when I came out of surgery. My heart really breaks for you and I cannot tell you what you should do because you have to be the one to live with the outcome. But I do know that the pain of hanging on to something usually has to be worse than the pain of letting it go before I am able to do as they say and "let go and let God". But I do agree with the previous poster that a church org. or the hospital will most definately be able to at least refer you to the right agency, but I would probably call my Dr.s office tomarrow and let them know what is going on before you have the surgery, cry if you need to but they can be very sympathetic and helpful at pulling strings especially w/ ins. co. maybe you can have a private nurse in for the first week of recovery or even arrange for them to keep you a bit longer at the hospital. Not that that is one of the more pleasant places to be. But pardon my humble opinion, anything would seam better to me than being at the mercy of someone who has no compassion on the person who is supposed to be a blessing from God, of course I'm a bit biased and it is my Very Humble opinion.
God bless and will keep you in my prayers.
Please get busy on the phones first thing in the AM, there's not much time. Please, keep us posted!

With heartfelt sorrow for you,
Unread 12-25-2001, 08:51 PM
DH is no prince.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I also agree with Maria about checking with church organizations & state agencies. Another is checking to see if there are home health nurses, maybe through your local health department, who can come out & check on you periodically. Your doctor's office should be able to answer this. When I worked in Mother/Baby/Women's Surgery, we gave this option to women at the hospital before their discharge. You said you do have a few friends...will any of them be able to help you out any? Please do keep us posted. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Unread 12-25-2001, 09:22 PM
DH is no prince.

Luisa, I definately agree with Cadetta about letting the doctors office know as well as the hospital so they won't send you home too early or they might be able to arrange some help for you. I am sorry. what an awful thing to put up with on top of the upcoming surgery- that's enough for anyone!!!
Unread 12-25-2001, 09:32 PM
DH is no prince.

Hi Luisa~

I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this. I just wanted to let you know you will be in my prayers. Take care of yourself.
Unread 12-26-2001, 06:17 AM
Hi Luisa!!

I can relate my DH is not quite as bad but he does make me every now and then. He is a pretty good husband when he wants to be. He was there during my surgery but left after It was over and didn't wait to see me when I woke, but I really told him too, I know how he hates hospitals. Can you not sleep on the couch or something down stairs? Like the other sisters said make your room livable now before you go. Make sure you have the phone near you that way if you need someone you can call 911 or a friend. God Bless and you are in my Please let us hear from you when you can.
Unread 12-26-2001, 06:51 AM
DH is no prince.

Thank you everyone for all of your wonderful support and kind words. It will make my surgery and recovery much easier. In fact, I think I will print out the threads and take them with me to the hospital so that I can read them when I need to.

I will be going in to see my gyn today for some pre-op instructions etc. and I will definitely let them know about my circumstances.

You are all wonderful ladies. God bless you all.

Myomectomy for 11 fibroids of various sizes 1992. Scheduled TAH 27 December for very large fibroids (16 week size uterus).
Unread 12-26-2001, 03:47 PM
DH is no prince.

I think I understand your feelings about your DH. I had a TAH/BSO about three weeks ago. I am 41 and have two young children to take care of. My husband and I separated about a month ago but I guess I still thought that he might visit in the hospital or at least help with the kids. Instead I had to have a friend drive me to the hospital for surgery. He never showed up while I was in the hospital. Because I had my surgery about an hour from my home, I didn't have any visitors. My only sister had to take care of my kids because my husband wouldn't. When I came home from the hospital, I was all alone and very scared to be by myself and also responsible for two small children. My husband would not help at all in driving the kids around or making them dinner or anything. I have friends but everyone was so busy with the Christmas preparations that I didn't get too much help from them and I hated to beg. I know this sounds depressing but i wanted to let you know that I had surgery and have begun the recovery process pretty much by myself. It was not ideal and I wish I had one of those wonderful DH's other women write about. However, we do what we have to in order to get by. I was stronger than I thought although I have plenty of bad moments. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers. Take care of yourself.

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