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Impending helplessness Impending helplessness

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Unread 12-18-2011, 12:06 PM
Impending helplessness

I have a bit before my surgery. One thing I've always been able to count on is the ability to care for myself. I rarely ask for help, partially cause my husband is kinda unreliable. When I do ask for help I have to ask a half dozen times, and still end up doing it myself 50% of the time.

(children mentioned below)
Reading threads and the F.A.Q.'s has made me feel like I'm going to be rather helpless. Its topping the the list of things that are going to be the most upsetting. I'm not going to have much in options for help. I have three children, 9,4,1 and my hubby will only be home his normal time off as the company he works for will be difficult at best. I have no family near by, except his parents, whom I dont dare ask for help as they babysit the niece and tend to get cranky when we ask them to babysit. My friends work. I'm really feeling hopeless. There will be no rest for me really. The more I think about it, the more upset I am.

I suppose these feeling are normal... I really want to find peace in this decision.
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Unread 12-18-2011, 12:20 PM
Re: Impending helplessness

So sorry for you. My husband usually gets on my nerves and he thinks all house work is mine because I work out of the home. However, he has been wonderful since my surgery. He's done all laundry, dishes. vacuuming, sweeping, ect. I hope you can find someone to at least help. If not, just don't over do it. One thing I have learned over the years, is that the house work will still be there waiting on you and you definately don't want a setback. Don't dwell on it too much. Since you have until March, only think positive how much better you are going to feel. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Unread 12-18-2011, 12:21 PM
Re: Impending helplessness

I understand how you feel. I'm lucky that my stepkids are old enough to fend for themselves as far as basic stuff goes. If you can afford it I would hire someone to help, especially with the little ones. At this point I couldn't keep up with a 1 and 4 yo.

If you can do stuff like precook meals that would really help you out. If you go to church or are a member of some other group can they pitch in and help out? I remember our homeschool group used to do meals for people when they had babies or surgery. You have some time to try to set up a network of people to help you out.
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Unread 12-18-2011, 01:40 PM
Re: Impending helplessness

My hubby really stepped up after my first surgery. Maybe yours will too. Housework will wait. Your 9yr old can be of help. Mine wipes the bathrooms down with clorox wipes every few days. A nine year old can also change a diaper. My two children have learned they are capable of many things. Think of all those familes with a bunch of kids. Their children are expected to pitch in at a young age. If you can do a lot of cooking ahead that will help too. You only have one chance to heal correctly. Don't do anything to jeapardize that. Maybe it would help if your hubby was with when the restrictions are explained and the consequences of not complying are clear. Praying for you as you juggle surgery and three children.
Unread 12-18-2011, 03:28 PM
Re: Impending helplessness

hmmm hopefully husband will be better than you think but if not, 9 yr old can change diapers, microwave food and lift the 1 yr old for you. Even the 4 yr old can fetch things for you and wipe a bathroom. I wasn't totally helpless even when I first got home, just exhausted. I could still take care of my own needs, provide supervision to my 4 and 6 yr old and get food and heat it. I could lay on the couch and give instructions for cleaning which the kids could do.
Unread 12-18-2011, 03:41 PM
Re: Impending helplessness

Poor you, thinking ahead of all that may go wrong. Often it is not as bad as we anticipate because family sometimes come through for you in ways you cant imagine. What will make it worse is that if you get so stressed out before the operation your body may not heal as well as it might if you can manage to stay somewhat relaxed beforehand. Could you make a game almost of housework that your children could do now in preparation, with little rewards you could organise. Then they would be a bit prepared too for your inactivity. As someone else commented some house work can wait and no one will be any the worse if it doesnt get done. All the best for March
Unread 12-18-2011, 06:54 PM
Re: Impending helplessness

its good you have such afar-off surgery date,maybe you can kinda be asking friends and family for any suggestions just see what they will say?see if anybody will volunteer to help you for even just an hour or two a day.i found out the more i walked around and did little things around the house that my hubby and son thought i was better.would your finances allow you to put the 2 littlest children in a daycare?i had a neighbor that came over to my home and would straighten up living room and kitchen once a day the 1st week i was home.i never asked her she just did it.
Unread 12-18-2011, 08:17 PM
Re: Impending helplessness

Thanks for the suggestions. Its very appreciated.
Unread 12-18-2011, 09:16 PM
Re: Impending helplessness

I see that you have about 3 months before your surgery. I also had 3 months. I was very organized. I planned for the worst and hoped for the best. My husband is similar to yours. I don't have any small children, but had a little dog that I needed to figure out his care and needs.

I followed all the suggestions on this forum. I made lists for everything (my recovery area needs, fitness plans to get ready for surgery, meals, how to take care of my little dog, etc).

I planned my recovery area so many easy things would be close by (kleenex, heat pad, medications, aromatherapy products, gasX, chap stick, socks for my feet, reading material, extra water to drink, snacks (crackers, packaged tuna, beef jerky, trail mix, peanut butter, computer, music, etc). I kept easy foods in a refrigerator nearby. I kept a gallon of drinking water nearby so my husband could just refill my water bottle. Think about what your needs will be.

I planned meals and did a lot of cooking and freezing before surgery (soups, chili, etc). I also bought many easy foods that could go in the microwave or would be easy for my husband to cook (pot pies, lean cuisines, hot dogs, pre-made hamburger patties, lunch meat for sandwiches, V8, Ensure, juice boxes, yogurts, snack applesauce, I made snack jellos. You could do puddings, etc. I kept a supply of disposable spoons, napkins, plates, etc. for easy eating.

Think about your eating needs and what kinds of foods/snacks your children will need access to.

I had to keep my little dog on a leash constantly and mounted a hook on the wall. I couldn't pick him up, but needed to be able to get him outside as needed. His food and water were sort of handled with gravity for a couple weeks until it was easier to bend down to refill his bowls.

Figure out how you can corral your kids to keep them safe. That might be in your recovery area. Get a supply of videos, baby gates and/or help from the older child for the first couple weeks. Plan to get help lifting the babies or changing them on the floor without lifting. Plan games, activities, snacks and rewards without any lifting. Set up a mattress on the floor, if necessary, for nap times. Think about a plan for diaper changing and disposal.

You may have to get very creative and get your kids to see this as an adventure. You will want to keep your kids safe while you get as much rest as possible.

Also, if you go to church, you might be able to find someone from church to help you.

All this to say, it is possible to be very organized and prepared. Just start working on lists now and begin gathering. You can do this and it will be ok.

Keep us posted!
Unread 12-19-2011, 10:46 AM
Re: Impending helplessness

Dear Irishwife, I read all the posts to your original. I PRAYcan that you will be 'ready' both physically and mentally, for your March surgery. I hope your husband steps up and your children manage. The last response was great, it gave you so many ideas to think of prior to the surgery - some ideas that I wish I had thought of! Do the best you can and no more. Things will work out... praying for you come March.

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