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TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me" TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me"

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Unread 12-26-2011, 10:41 PM
TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me"


I am scheduled for a total abdominal hysterectomy to remove uterus, fallopian tubes, and both ovaries on January 17th. I will turn 42 the very next day.

My husband has been through this with his previous wife when she was in her mid-late 20s. It was a very very bad experience for him. Her personality changed radically, she decided he was the devil incarnate among other things, and they eventually split up.

He is now worried that I will do the same thing. I know I will need hrt, but also that it may take awhile to dial in the best hrt for me. He is genuinely worried that I won't be even remotely the same person after surgery, to the point that it is giving him nightmares.

Does anyone else have experience with this and how best to deal with it? I tried pointing him towards the misterhystersisters site, but of course, the first story he read was from a gentleman whose wife told him that she didn't love him any more about a month post-op, so lot of help *that* did. *sigh*

I am going to do my best to schedule the post-op dr visits so that he can make them and keep him as involved as I can in the decision making. He will see things from a completely different perspective than I will and will be able to tell the dr about funky behavior that I might not even think twice about, things that could be addressed with the hrt. Still, he is very concerned about this, and I don't want him to worry any more than he absolutely has to.

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Unread 12-26-2011, 11:17 PM
Re: TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me"

I think it's normal for men to get all worried. Mine was apparently as the Dr told me a few days later when I inquired about HRT that when he came out of the OR that was ALL my husband talked about with him! All we know is my mom who is full of issues and we attribute it to her not taking any, and I always said I never wanted to be like her in that way.
I can only suggest telling your Dr. ahead of time how concerned your husband is and enlist his or her help in putting your husband at ease.
The mrhystersisters has a book you can download. Maybe do that and just give him the good parts-certain pages.

Best of luck!
Unread 12-26-2011, 11:33 PM
Re: TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me"

Good luck to you on your surgery ... communication is key here. He needs to understand why the surgery is necessary and the first wife probably would have gone off the deep end without the surgery. You will still be you after the surgery. There will be ups and downs .... is he perfect everyday?
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Unread 12-27-2011, 09:33 PM
Re: TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me"

There were probably many issues involved with the surgery with the first wife, not the least of which was her age at the time of surgery. You are in your early 40's, and while I will say surgical menopause was not cake walk (I am 46), with ERT it makes it easier. (I tried without and I was very miserable!)

I agree with the other sisters, have your DH talk to your doctor about the whole thing. Maybe he can put his mind at ease. Obviously, you need to have this done for your health, otherwise you would not be doing it. That is what is important.

Unread 12-27-2011, 10:05 PM
Re: TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me"

I'm 41, had a TLH/BSO six weeks ago, elected not to use HRT, and feel wonderful. I just asked my husband about this. He says I'm not as antagonistic and opinionated as I was before, but that I am a bit shorter-tempered and more sensitive (we suspect that will fade in time).

I'm definitely still "me" ... and I love him more and more every day. And now that the surgery is done, we're both looking forward to the rest of our lives with me not being in pain and not having to worry about bleeding, anemia, and agony a couple of times a month.
Unread 01-07-2012, 02:00 AM
Re: TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me"

Thank you everyone.

Based on her behavior since I've known her, his first wife is bipolar, although she has never been diagnosed since her family frowns on mental health doctors. Adding instant menopause to the mix in her 20's... yes, that was bad. And when you consider that she is probably the *sanest* member of her immediate family (her mother is way worse than she is, and this comes from my husband's daughter), just imagine what she's been influenced by over the years.

He & I have talked a lot more about this, and hopefully he is actually feeling better about things and not just putting on a good front for me.

He went with me to the doctor when we discussed surgery and what that would mean for me, so he knows that HRT is probably in the works, and that we'll just have to see how I react "the girls" (never gave my ovaries a pet name before, but there ya' go...) being gone. It would be awesome if it turns out that I don't need HRT, but we're not ruling it out, either. We're planning on taking it one day at a time. I do know that my hormone levels are lower now than they were a couple of years ago, although they're not at menopause levels yet, but hopefully it won't be too bad.

One day at a time...
Unread 01-07-2012, 09:46 AM
Re: TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me"

Keep your husband involved. If he can go to post-op appts with you he will feel included. Let him know how you are feeling. Trying to be strong and hold in feelings of pain, confusion, sadness, etc will just put him on edge. Let him take care of you. It sounds like fear of losing you is speaking loudly. He wants to be there, let him hover a bit. What are his strongest love languages? I know this surgery is not about him, but it does effect both of you.

Hugs and prayers. For you on this journey.
Unread 01-07-2012, 10:59 AM
Re: TAH:BSO - Husband worried about radical post-op "me"

His strongest love language is in *doing*, and he is a McGyver type. Awesome to have around when running a campground, let me tell you! I usually identify a need for a gadget and he figures out how to make said gadget, and always makes it better than I envisioned.

I've asked him to make a rope ladder to help me get up out of bed, like the one I've seen in the HysterSisters store, and he is also going to rig up a trapeze bar over our bed so I can pull myself up & reposition if needed. I teased him a little about that, told him that it was a wonderful excuse to but an eyebolt in our bedroom ceiling that our adult children wouldn't question so we can get a swing later. He blushed, grinned, and said "Yup"... He's so cute!

He works an odd schedule which gives him days off in the middle of the week, but not the same day every week. I'm definitely going to schedule the followup appointments so that he can go with me. I want him to be right in the middle of discussions about symptoms, issues, possible treatments, side effects, all that stuff. I cannot imagine going through this without him beside me, and I've told him so several times.

I think he's realized that even though I am having the same surgery his ex-wife did, that is where the similarities end. Talking about "the event" and helping get the house ready for me to be down for awhile doesn't seem to bother him as much as it did when it first came up.

T-minus 10 days and counting... Pre-op testing this Tuesday.

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