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Disappointing holiday weekend...vent Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

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Unread 12-27-2011, 01:03 PM
Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

Hi Ladies.

I am one week today post-op from a TLH. Recovery is going slow but sure. Little bleeding/spotting, very tired. The usual.

My daughter came home for 5 days over Christmas weekend. She lives about 110 miles away where she has an apartment and goes to college. She also has bi-polar disorder which has been very difficult the past year. Several hospitalizations, etc. My husband and I have done anything and everything to help. Pay her rent and bills while she took a semester off school. Paid nearly 2,000 for a new transmission on her car. We've been paying her car payment, insurance, cell phone bills.

Long story short, when she had to go back yesterday, she had a meltdown. Slamming things as she was packing, snapping at her dad, brother and me, cussing/crying. We've been down this road and her doctors just tell us to keep our cool and let her get it out and be supportive, etc. etc. After almost 2 hours of this, she went out to her car and we thought she was leaving and so my husband closed the garage door. A bit later, our son tells us that he got a text from his sister and she told him to tell us "thanks for slamming the door in her face, we don't love her, etc." She then for a good half hour proceeded to drive around the block opening and closing our garage door with her opener. My husband by then was livid; he knew I was upset, and also our garage door is just hanging on by a thread and needs replacement which we cant afford to do since we've spent several thousand dollars bailing her out of troubles. He was afraid it was literally going to fall off its hinges. He threw on a coat and left, I saw him walking down the road I think in hopes of catching her as she drove by again. I was afraid because I knew he was upset and wanted to confiscate her opener if he got hold of her and i of course wanted to prevent a scene.

I ended up in bare feet, in the snow, my PJ's only, running down the road after him. It was pure adrenaline and reflex, I didn't stop to think what I was doing, I just didn't want them meeting with both of them being in such an upset state.

Anyway, today I am not feeling so well. I can tell I way overdid things yesterday. And now my daughter is texting me like nothing happened and that's how it always is. And she wants to come home this weekend for New Years! My husband says "no way."

Her doctors say she uses her bipolar and is very manipulative. I know we (mainly, me) fall into the trap of enabling, no doubt about it. I am very, very disappointed. She was coming home to "take care of me" and I ended up doing the usual stuff, giving her money, cooking her favorite foods, whatever. And then not a "thank you" for what Christmas gifts we were able to put together (our finances are in a mess from bailing her out of messes), she storms off in a huff, no hug or kiss for mom who just had surgery. And now just on to the next quest of wanting to come home for three days this weekend, and can I please send gas money so she can!?!
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Unread 12-27-2011, 01:12 PM
Re: Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

Wow - going to say a prayer for you. I have two teens in college who are home and "perfectly fine' and they are still throwing tantrums. I'm not minimizing what you are going through -- but honestly the disease on top of the teens has got to be totally and completely exhausting for you. I suffer from mood disorder myself and have spent years working on it and I take proper meds which took YEARS to figure out (docs like to throw people into categories and apply meds accordingly and it doesn't always work).

Sorry you had such an awful experience. I am keeping you in my thoughts and hoping that you get a stress free weekend. I am not sure what it is about teens in general, but they tend to have a fit and then an hour later not think "anything happened"... while we are falling apart.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but also don't put yourself in a bad position healthwise. Maybe in the new year you will be lucky and find success with a good doc and therapist who can help her (you too!?!).

My oldest has type 1 diabetes and I swear there are times when it is used as a crutch -- and then I feel awful for thinking that -- as who in the heck would even think that way.... it's the teen years.... draining us, draining them and very stressful.

Try to find peace wherever you can -- especially if you have someone who understands and can listen without judging... it's not easy to find!

Good luck and I will pray for a calm holiday for you!
Unread 12-27-2011, 01:18 PM
Re: Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

I am saying a prayer for you and your family! I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I know how hard it is when you have to deal with problems concerning your children. Bless your heart I just want to send you a huge hug. Take care and I'm sending prayers up your way!
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Unread 12-27-2011, 01:20 PM
Re: Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

gosh i hate your troubles.but you are in no state to deal with her again.i know she's your child but i dont think you need to give money to get home.she will be safe where she at,right?you are in most critical part of your recovery and if she pulls another stunt like she just did you could really mess yourself up and end up with adhesions.they supposedly dont take a long time to form from what i have found out.the 1st 2 weeks i think are most important ,please do remember this.i hate to side with your husband but i think he's right.you dont need this drama. my oldest son is 19 and i think he's bipolar and he doesnt live with me but lives in TN.he lives now with my mom and dad that let him throw his fits and then gives him what he wants.then he'll be sweet until something else comes up.thats reason he moved out i wouldnt bend.i feel for you but right now you have to think of yourself 1st cause if she's anything like him you dont need this unnecessary drama..hugs to u and family
Unread 12-27-2011, 01:57 PM
Re: Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

I don't see my doctor until Jan. 3rd. I hope I didn't mess anything up, I was just so caught up in the drama at the moment and then when I noticed my husband walking down the road and as mad as he was, I didn't think twice about going down 3 flights of stairs at full speed in my bare feet and PJ's and out into the snow...I ran full speed probably about 1/4 mile or so. I keep thinking if my "outer" incisions look well, all must be O.K. I keep forgetting about the poor insides that need to heal most of all. Other than a bad headache from tension I'm sure, and being sore and tired, I feel okay.

I have not read anything about adhesions and I looked briefly about hematomas. I didn't want to "scare" myself prior to surgery any more than I already was. So I don't know too much about post-op care/problems and I am learning as I go along. I live in a tri-level and have not been doing stairs (other than my sprint yesterday, )

My son and husband have been treating me like gold; and I guess I expected the same from my daughter as we really are very close. This was such a bad scene, I never in my wildest dreams have thought something like this would happen.

She is just fine where she is at--she has an apartment that we've paid for since July and supported her decision to take a semester off school and work "to get better." She says she will be "all alone" on New Years eve as her roommate has gone home for two weeks. She says her friends have "all" gone home. I find it hard to believe that in a college town, she does not have one person she knows who will not be around to hang out with. And even so, I have spent many New Year's Eve's alone, or working third shift, or whatever. It's part of growing up, we don't always get what we want.

I cannot take any chance of a repeat situation. Yes, I am sure I will feel guilty knowing she is probably sitting alone in her apartment, but that is her choice. There are lots of things she can do in her town to get out, but she only likes going out with her little group of 3 friends, and if they aren't available, she won't seek out anyone else. I know that is HER choice.

I don't know if I should ignore her texts, or if I should be honest and tell her how disappointed I am.
Unread 12-27-2011, 02:27 PM
Re: Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

i would do honest card.but it sounds like ya'll really do too much for her,but i know how much we love our children no matter what.oh yeah,if its college town she can find things to do.but right now,its about you,just you.dont delay your recovery,you'll just put off your time to get better.i hate you're going through all of this during your post-op time this is not fair to you.why don't you decide how to go about things thinking"this is my time" in your head and that you can make the best decision on this matter.maybe honesty with a few white lies where she doesn't get mad?does she got a job?
but all in all think of yourself for at least another week or two..hugs to u and family prayers
Unread 12-27-2011, 02:31 PM
Re: Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

In dealing with situations like this although it may create some ripples I feel the COLD HARD TRUTH always works best. I have a family full of emotional problems and bipolar. Tell her the truth and do it softly and gently.
Unread 12-27-2011, 03:36 PM
Re: Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

Oh, major ((HUGS)) to you!!!!
I had some drama last night in our house-my 19 yr old drinking and driving, and dh wouldn't go pick him up-I almost got dressed and did but then he showed up safely, thank God! he only had one drink, but that is one drink too many! Dh wont dicipline him, as he has ADD (son) but it's not showing good parenting or consequences to my other two teenagers, but DH does nothing. I want my son to live here as long as he can, IF he can pay his own bills (we pay car ins and phone bill) and he can respect us and at least clean up after self (don't do that) or not stay out all night partying while under my roof. I feel like I want a divorce right now as I'm more disappointed in husband than child, as well, child is still not a full adult, but husband is supposed to be! If I had somewhere to go and money, I'd take my other two and finish raising them elsewhere as I think it's unfair for them to witness all of this. All husband does is make excuses for oldest, and other kids always saying it's so not fair and how they would handle it if they were the parent.
Sorry to hijack your post, but if you want to vent, I'm happy to private message anytime.
Unread 12-27-2011, 04:21 PM
Re: Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

Kathy, you can hijack my post any time. LOL I feel bad for you, too! I thought kids were supposed to get easier the older they get. LOL

Chris, no, daughter does not have a job. She had one for 5 years all through high school and first two years of college. She up and quit without another one lined up. This was August. Says she cannot find one. Hard to believe in a good size city, plus it being a college town, there are no jobs to be found. Since we had to cosign for her apartment (required for 21 and under) the rent has been falling on us. Hubby not happy as we have our own mortgage and bills and another student in college to help. We definitely do realize we have enabled and with the help of her therapists and doctors and such, are doing our best to slowly detach.

I am just sad that these couple of days over Christmas that I was looking forward to her being around and helping me that it took such a bad turn and my son, also home from college, had to witness the big meltdown. And I hope I didn't do any internal damage yet to be seen by running down 3 flights of stairs out into the snowy streets barefooted and runnning a quarter of a mile to see if she was still driving around and around the block messing with our garage door opener and to get my husband to come back to the house because I knew how mad he was.

What a mess; and now she asks to come home this weekend for 3 days so she's "not alone" for new year's. I can't believe she's asking. I don't have the energy or inclination to respond yet so been ignoring the texts. I cannot risk another meltdown; been dealing with this for almost 2 years, all I ask is a couple of weeks of no drama. Doesn't sound like a big request to me.
Unread 12-27-2011, 04:27 PM
Re: Disappointing holiday weekend...vent

i just dont understand that it seems like there's always something with family when we are sick...
mine was my DH not understanding recovery time..i cant help i had to do procedure before i lost our insurance and we just started new business in oct.that's been my family vent plus 16 yr old thats home from school thats staying more at his b.f.'s house than here...men and kids should have to have surgery along with their partners and their moms!!i thought about leaving but my car was broke down in driveway..heck you cant even leave if u dont have a ride...i packed all my clothes up very stupid, on my part 3 weeks post op then i had to put them back(dont do this,it stinks hanging them back up)

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