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Husbands and how they cope with it Husbands and how they cope with it

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Unread 01-07-2012, 08:16 PM
Husbands and how they cope with it

My husband is normally awesome and down to earth but lately, since the Dr's Appt he has been a CRAB! He's very on edge about everything (small things drive him nuts) After I pressed him (not so tactfully.. oops) he admitted that he didn't know how to process all of this. Are any of your husbands acting out of character as well and how are you coping? I'm trying to not interpret it as "wow, he's not really caring at all" but to see it as him caring, but he's getting on my nerves, lol, and I'm stressed out as well (if not more so). I just want to keep the peace and stay calm through this but I know I'm on edge too. One of us needs to get it together. I guess I have focused so much on the tactical side of things but there's alot of emotional stuff involved too.
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Unread 01-07-2012, 08:26 PM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

My first week home DH was stressed out of his mind. Honestly, I don't think he really knew what to expect. He was trying his best to help out (with his work on top of everything else), but he just got overwhelmed. It was very stressful for both of us. By the 2nd week of my recovery he had finally figured it all out. He absolutely turned into my hero! He continually reminds to not lift things, sit down and rest, and so on.

I think we go through our adjustment period and they have to go through one as well. I know it is hard to see the one they love be in pain and be responsible for their care on top of that.

I hope that your husband figures it out as mine did. Mister Hystersisters site was a great help for him btw

Good luck to you and your DH, and I'm here if you need to chat.
Unread 01-07-2012, 10:43 PM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

Mine has been awesome pre surgery but we've already been through stage 2c melanoma for him so he knows that there is a lot gong on. Hell he just dealt with he crying for an hour tonight over things I can't control but scare the bejesus out of me. I think it's just a matter if saying in scared because I'd x, y and z to make them understand
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Unread 01-08-2012, 06:36 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

My husband has been wonderful about things from the time I found out I was having the hysterectomy until he has turned inward and has started stressing out about things. I pray he and your guys start settling down so we can stay stress free.
Unread 01-08-2012, 06:49 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

I am finding the no sex really challenging but I know how important intimacy is to feeling close and relieving stress. I have been making sure he is "taken care of" ---and that has helped. I know it may not be what you are up to but give it a try...might make you both feel better!
Unread 01-08-2012, 11:27 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

My husband was great up till the surgery, while I was in the hospital he just wanted me home. Things don't run as smoothly when I am not there. I would have liked to stay another night but I came home. He was amazing for about the first two weeks then everything started to fall apart. It was like he didn't realize the need for such a long recovery. I started doing things out of anger, like kicking laundry downstairs and loading the dishwasher, loading the washer. Then we talked about it and I showed him an article an here about recovery and why it's long. That changed him alot. He stepped right up again and made me just sit.
Unread 01-08-2012, 12:43 PM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

Guys are funny. One woman wrote that guys like to fix things and when they can't and are forced to just sit by and 'watch' it drives them crazy. Also, I think they aren't super good at expressing their feelings. They internalize them and then their concern comes out in inappropriate ways.

My husband has been great and fully understood what the surgery would entail and what to expect for recovery. We both spent a lot of time talking about the future and what this surgery meant to us as far as getting back to doing things we used to do before the problems set in. That helped both of us a lot.

If I had gone through this with my ex, the story would be far different. His focus would have been on himself and how all this inconvenienced him - selfish and self centered to the core and there is no fixing that.

Here's hoping that everyone has a great husband!
Unread 01-09-2012, 01:33 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

I'm really just having such a hard time with this. I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here by talking so candidly and personally about it (I tend to try to keep the net drama free when it comes to my own interactions) but I really need to get this off my chest. My husband does have a tendency to be a little selfish, but I think I do too. This journey up to surgery has been a long time coming with the military doctors not "on the ball" as much as they should be. It seems like unless you're popping out children, as expected, any other gyn issues are foreign to them. It's like I am the wrench in their plan by being the oddball who is in their office for something other than OB. It does hurt that I have been infertile for oh.. 6 years, but at the same time, it hurts more than I am so limited on living my life due to this. They have made me wait til I turned 30 before they would take my concerns seriously because in their opinion, 30 is when you really are sure what your family planning is. Grrrr! Seriously! It is frustrating that now they have gotten to this point and are now really looking at my files and apologizing for everything thus far: "Oh, your endometrium has been growing out of control, has anyone ever tested you for cancer?" ..
"No Ma'am, I have not been tested yet."
"Oh, well that's an oversight on our part and I'm sorry"
"Great. Okay, so what now?"
"You should have had better help before this. Who did you see before this appt"
"You Ma'am, last august but you said I wasn't 30 therefore you wanted me to go home and lose weight and come back for fertility meds"
"Oh, well why haven't you come back for the meds yet?"
"Uhh, maybe because I don't want to be pregnant, I just want to be healthy"
"Did you tell me that last time?"
"Yes Ma'am.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I should have listened better"

(ya think!

This whole thing has been so frustrating with doctors moving just as I think they are starting to listen. With my papers being misfiled. With me having to get a new referral every month even for follow ups. Me having to wait 2 months for a follow up with the GYN because they are so overbooked with the OB patients (Seriously, I wonder how the base gets work done here because apparently, all they do is -censored-) Then I had an ultrasound with suspicious tissue growth through my pelvis and they "lost" those results for two months. It's been a lot harder than it has needed to be and I think my husband is scared because this summer, he has being sent on a 6 month duty away and I have to be better by then for him to go. I think he is worried that if they do find the tissue to be more than what they thought it was, that he won't be able to go and it's going to affect his career. There's not much I can do though, apart from just do the testing and hope for the best. It will have to work out somehow, but I think he deep down knows it's not my fault, but he is so frustrated that he tends to want to take it out on someone and I just happen to be nearby. I can imagine it is annoying when I can't walk that well or I have to take pain meds and lay down but I am hoping that they can fix me up and I can be back to my old self again.

I just feel stuck in the middle. I have so much guilt for this happening, like I am letting my family down. My kids are still young (11 and 7) and they are worried about me all of the time and try to help out as much as they can but my husband gets frustrated because he wants me to do more. Like the PP said, I will get up and carry baskets, load the dishwasher, vaccuum, walk to the school and back etc, but I pay for it later when I start the cramping and the stabbing pains and then have to lay down but by then it's time for me to go to work and I push myself there just to get through and by the time I get home, I fall into bed after taking my pain pills and barely sleep because of the pain and wake up to a rinse and repeat. I feel like the person pushing me to be superwoman is him, but at the same time, if I slack off, he has to be superman so It's only right that I be the one to sacrifice. I am nervous for after the surgery because pushing through the pain then is going to be dangerous. I already try to avoid my pain meds because my husband hates how they make me "out of it" so I don't take them til last minute, relying solely on tylenol and motrin, but as hard as I'm pushing myself, tylenol and motrin aren't cutting it. Once again, I think this is a breakdown of communication, but I don't feel comfortable speaking to him about it because I know it will cause an argument.

I am sure once I have the surgery he will calm down a little if he sees the physical signs of my surgery. Right now, my pain is at face value because he can't see it, but after the surgery he'd be an idiot to not expect me to be in pain. I am asking him to come to my surgical consult and will have the surgeon explain the recovery process to us both, just so he hears it from them and hopefully that will be enough. .. hopefully.
Unread 01-09-2012, 08:54 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it


We are all selfish to some extent - you have to be to stay sane.

As I read your post, I was pretty sure you must be at Fort Campbell until I looked at your location. Military life is hard and I understand there is little sympathy for spouses. My husband ended up divorced when he was in the army for that very reason.

Mister HysterSisters might be a good resource for you husband.

Depending on when you can get your surgery scheduled, you may be recovered enough that he won't miss his deployment. Also, is it possible that you could enlist the help of your children for small chores around the house?

Pain meds are a problem. I have no tolerance for strong narcotics and have been prescribed Tramadol in the past. I find I doesn't affect my mental clarity or put me to sleep and it, or something like it, might be a good alternative to constant pain.

All the Best.
Unread 01-09-2012, 09:26 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

Constant pain can really mess with a relationship. At times, my DH would get upset because he didn't fully understand how bad things were. After a year of trying to figure out what was going on I was finally diagnosed with anemia and fibroids with a hyster recommended. Lucky for me, I'm 46 so no one argues with that, in fact, I think the Drs. all just want to give us old ladies a hyst.

He still has difficulty dealing with my recovery, mostly because he is so scared I'll hurt myself he is afraid to leave me alone. I have overdone it a few times but pretty much I don't. It's that protector, problem solver thing and medical stuff is not something most husband's can fix. When they can't fix it then they often get crabby.

It is sad that many young women are ignored because they aren't "old enough" to have a hyst.

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