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Husbands and how they cope with it Husbands and how they cope with it

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Unread 01-09-2012, 09:51 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

I mentioned on here before that my first week after surgery was very, very stressful for me and DH. We were both very overwhelmed.

Something that I think really helped him was that when he started understanding what was going on with me, and started to really help out, I praised him and thanked him so much for being there for me. I called him my "hero" and his face completely changed. Let's face it, guys love their egos boosted. I really do appreciate him helping out. The more I praised him......the sweeter he got. Kind of like praising a puppy when they do well! hahahahaahh!!!
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Unread 01-09-2012, 10:21 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

Ok so as I sit here I am about 3 weeks post total ABH. Ugh all these changes in my body are killing me. You see this all started oh 3 months ago. Before the hyst. I had a milk duct removed from my left breast. Before that went through a series of mamograms, sonograms, and biopsies. Not to mention blood work all the time due to the fact my HGB is 8.4-8.6. Then having the hyst. the day after Christmas. I too have gone through the emotions of being a "failure." We have a beautiful 12 year old (spoiled rotten), I lost a child back in 2003 and was never able to get pregnant again. Due to fibroid, endometriosis, all I call the "Alien." I am so blessed with my angel, and I say God knew what he was doing just giving us one. Still it hurts me that I could not give her a baby brother or sister. She would have made the best big sister. Anywho fast forward several years to where I am now. I have been through a lot and my spouse of 13 years has been right with me. He has this problemo of being a lil self centered. Before having the hyst. he was so supportive and all this, oh honey we will take care of you and do this and that......WHATEVER!!! Maybe the first couple of days he might have. His main concern now.......releaving(sp) his main buddy if you get my drift. Are you kidding me, that is the last thing on my mind right now. I still have this great anxiety that if I don't start showing him some attention, someone else will. You know I don't feel attractive right now, there is this not so pleasant smell leaving my body, and I just don't feel connected that way right now. I have been through a lot and to be held is more important than releaving his pain. Am I being a total nut bag here or what? I can't get him to understand, hey I am emotional. Help, how do I get him to see things from my point of view. Help me to help him understand this is not going to be a quick fix and is going to take time.
Unread 01-09-2012, 10:37 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it


Whoa! You are in no way ready for sex. You have to wait for your doctor to release you - in another 4 weeks or so. You can do some serious damage or cause infection and end up back in the hospital, which would delay things even more.

Like my husband said - Time to take matters in hand or if he wants to get really wild, he can use both hands and call it a double date.

If he doesn't want to believe you - from the Mister HysterSisters site:

"SEX! When can we get back to normal?

It is very important to follow the doctor's orders of NOTHING IN THE VAGINA until the doctor has given the ok (usually 6 weeks post-op). The doctor didn't just make this up to torture you.

While you are waiting for the green light, external stimulation (with clean hands!) is ok - but oral sex is not a good idea as the mouth carries a lot of bacteria and could cause an infection. Your wife may find that it takes a while before she is relaxed enough to reach a climax. She may also find that her climax feels quite different - or that it will take her longer to reach, and that will take a bit of getting used to."
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Unread 01-09-2012, 11:21 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

I am so right there with you. Had this been with my ex it would have been so different. He wouldn't have done 1/2 of what my current husband has done. Hell, my husband spent more time in the hospital with me during this than my ex did when I gave birth to our 2 daughters!!
Unread 01-09-2012, 01:52 PM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

Uh oh didn't explain all that very well, probably the pain med. lol I wouldn't dream of having sex, no no no. I guess it's just all the remarks and the request of "just oral." Ugh again I really am not into all that right now. I know it's not just me going through this but dang. He loves his sex and like I said I am afraid he will wonder, ever though he says he would never do that to me. I guess I'm being parinoid (sp).
Unread 01-09-2012, 07:11 PM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

Men just can't understand. Some think their boys getting hit by a gust of wind is more painful than what we go through monthly! I agree with McLila about them needing to feel like they have to fix things and internalizing their feelings. I don't think most men share with their friends about their feelings or relationship troubles like women do.

As far as the pain and the drugs, I know from working in health care that the longer you wait to treat your pain, the harder it is to get it under control. It is much easier to get your pain down to 1-2 if you take the meds when it's feeling a 4-5 rather than waiting until it's 10 out of 10. Hopefully you also wouldn't need meds as strong, maybe reducing your chance of being out of it. It doesn't sound like you are getting much support from your doctor, but maybe she can help with the pain management at least. Hugs!
Unread 01-09-2012, 09:56 PM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

I may be hated for this but I muster up the energy to "take care of my husband" at least two times a week. It makes me feel close to him and I know he needs it too. Some times I think you have to suck it up and do it even though you may not be in the mood. I personally can't wait until the bad is lifted--one week to go. Foreplay is a lot of work but at least it's one way to feel normal and sexy during all of this.
Unread 01-09-2012, 11:37 PM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

My husband is a Saint, but, I know it's all really stressful for him. We are a military family as well. My husband just returned from a year overseas in October. I actually kept from my husband a lot of the problems I have having physically while he was deployed. His mother died young of very aggressive uterine cancer, so he had a right to be worried. My doctors told me early on that it was not cancer so I didn't see any reason to worry him. Well imagine his surprise when he gets home to "surprise I'm having a hysterectomy!"

In our case I see my husband getting annoyed and frustrated. Sometimes at me, sometimes at the kids, sometimes at the pets, sometimes at the house, but it's all to be expected I think. He is so used to things just running around here. Also he is tired, we do pretty good splitting up chores normally, but it's all him right now, on top of worrying about my health. Today I yelled at him him "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE DISHES THEY ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!" and you know what, he realized they aren't going anywhere, as we speak my counters are covered with dishes and pots and pans, my husband took himself out to his karate class, came home and sat down and played a video game. I think it was exactly what he needed to do.

I try to say "thank you" as much as I can. I am also telling him it's okay for the house not to be perfect. I think it's also important if he likes it to give him a few hours to himself or have him take the kids to dinner.

Funny enough, I told my husband how incredibly sexy I find him caring for me. While I haven't offered to take care of him, I did tell him he's free to do what he wants to himself, lol.
Unread 01-10-2012, 01:22 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

Thanks for all the responses ladies. It is an awful feeling, to feel like a failure and as some of you mil spouses now, we do carry alot of the responsibility because well, we have to. (Not taking away from nonmilitary either. I think all Mom's and Wives try to work hard. It's just with military, we are "trained" that our needs come second and the mission comes first-or that's what they want us to believe and often times we do) I am used to "holding down the fort" while he works 14 hour days and I'm used to being a "single parent" when he is away for months at a time, but even when he's home, I still try to do as much as I can because he works the flightline and it's a tough job with long hours. I hate that I have to put him back to work as soon as he comes home. I love my job because I like having money of my own, it gets me out of the house and I don't feel as "dependant" on him all the time. We spent 3.5 years in Italy and now are in the UK and the doctors at both bases always blamed me for the PCOS and said it was because I was overweight. I have battled my weight and it yo-yos up and down, but the periods have always been the same, no matter my weight. I don't really feel that the medical care given to us overseas is adequate at all. When the pain first started, I had to wait 3 weeks for an ultrasound just to find out what the pain was but it took 2.5 months for them to get back to me and say "Your endometrium is overly thick and you need to follow up with us". They "Lost" my results and when they found them, they called me to make an appointment to get a referral to gyn, but when I went to my primary care, she kept putting in the referral wrong and it took me 5 weeks to get the referral in properly and another month for the appointment. I have been basically useless since August but pushing myself to the max anyway. I agree Caroline that I should be trying to manage the pain before it gets to a 10. I just really can't wait to get to my surgical consult to find the results of the biopsy and to find out when I have surgery. I am terrified that it's going to be months out because there is only 1 surgeon on the base who can do this surgery.

It's TMI, but my husband and I have only had our "alone time" maybe 1-2 in the last year. He has been very understanding and loving still (We've been together off and on since we were 14). I asked him if he can hold off just a tad longer til I'm better to resume our sex life and he said he was just happy that there is an end in sight to where we could be a normal couple again. I have a lot of making up to do but thankfully, it's not a punishment. lol I hate being 30 and feeling like I'm 90. This is supposed to be "the prime of my life" and I feel like I'm missing it. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent about this.
Unread 01-10-2012, 01:25 AM
Re: Husbands and how they cope with it

I have a lot of "me's" and "I's" in my post but I am sure that with the nature of the board, a lot of women feel exactly the way I do. None of us is having surgery (I would think) out of boredom, but to relieve symptoms. I am so grateful that this site exists and we can all share and see that there are others who feel the exact same way we do. Thanks again all. I think you're all awesome!

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