dVH/RALH Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!" | HysterSisters
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Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!" Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!"

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Unread 01-08-2012, 06:57 PM
Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!"

Kids mentioned in this post.

"What did you have surgery on"

"I had a hysterectomy"

"oh I am sooooooo sorry to hear that! That must be so tough"

Three years ago, my husband and I made the decision to not have anymore children. He had a vasectomy. I'm really not a baby person, and enjoy having "older" kids. I don't get jealous when people have babies...I chose not to have anymore.
Why can't people understand that this was not devastating for me?

"But you are so young!!!"
Yep..I know. I'm 26. I practically bled to death every day for 6 months. So much pain that I couldn't get out of bed at least 2 weeks a month.

I'm not upset simply because I had no quality of life. I had no use for my uterus. I have my overies so I'm not in menopause. People can't seem to understand that I am not upset. What upsets me is when people react that way. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me for not being upset that I lost my womb.
I have a friend who is pregnant, and wanted to ask me a question and said "I understand if you don't want to talk about my pregnancy since you just had a hysterectomy...I don't want to hurt you"

How did you deal with people like this? How about when they just can't fathom that you aren't upset about it? Has anyone ever said "do you feel like less of a woman?" and how did you deal with that? I'm afraid of snapping off since my hormones aren't quite where they should be..and I tend to ..um...explode on accident at people.
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Unread 01-08-2012, 07:15 PM
Re: Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!"

It is hard to cope sometimes with the "well-meaning" comments of people, who are trying to help.

I am not in the same situation as yourself, but I did have a time when I had to cope with other people's comments.

My first baby was still-born, at full term. I had the 2 different reactions of friends, family and colleagues. There were those who did not talk to us at all, in case they upset us - and those who did say things.
They said "Oh but you can always have another!"; or "It is all for the best".
At that time it is hard to say which was worst, and I used to protect myself by talking as if I was a third person, and by feeling sorry for them, struggling to find how to cope.

I don't know whether it is of any help to you.
You may just have to practice saying suitable phrases that you think fit the bill. That way you will be able to protect your own emotions - safeguard your temper.
"I needed to have this op for my health"
"I am happy with the family I have, and chose to do this"
"Lots of people chose not to have more children"
You may think of better ones.

People will stop saying things in the end. Just make sure they don't forget too soon while you still need help with your recovery
Unread 01-08-2012, 07:28 PM
Re: Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!"

I wasn't devistated by my hysterectomy but I don't get the "I'm sorry" guess because I'm almost 40 and everyone who knows i had a hystetectomy knows we are done having kids Is it a recent surgery? I tend to be a little sarcastic when people say things to me.

I probably would say actually it's not a tough recovery at all...I'm feeling pretty good.
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Unread 01-08-2012, 07:36 PM
Re: Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!"


Oh my goodness! I can SO relate to this. I am 31, just had a total hyst and have no biological children. My husband had a vasectomy before we even met. He was 31 and I was 23 when we married. At the time his..now OUR son...was 2. He lives with us full time.

Anyway I got a lot, I mean a TON of comments both before the surgery and still now. You are so young! Are you sure? I don't think I could do it....blah blah blah.

Anyway...I have this one "friend" in particular who is just horrid. I mean I don't know what she is thinking half the time she opens her mouth. This surgery wasn't any easy decision for me, but I knew deep down we were never going to have any more kids, I had tried in the past and never been able to conceive, and my health was so poor it was making both (DH and I) of our lives a misery!! It was the right thing to do...what I NEEDED to do....

Anyway this one "friend"....I'm going to give you a run down of what was HANDS DOWN the WORST conversation I could ever have envisioned...I was literally in shock while this was happening...

She came to see me in the hospital the morning after the surgery. I am still in bed, unable to get up, doped up on meds, catheter still in..etc etc..you've been there. Another friend and her baby were there too, but she left because crazy "friend" makes her uncomfortable. As soon as we were alone...she says:

Her - Has it hit you yet?
Me - Has what hit me yet?
Her - The loss?
Me - What are you talking about?
Her - Well the fact that you can never have kids..you'll never be a Mom..
Me - I'm a Mom
Her - But you will NEVER carry a child...
Me - I have a child. I was sick. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't ok with it.
Her - Well do you feel empty?
Me - (By this time my mouth is hanging open in shock) What?
Her - You know...like does your abdomen feel empty without your uterus?
Me - Um no.
Her - Hmm...I wonder how much weight you lost by having it removed.

REALLY??????? Wow....after I told my best friend...who's been amazing..she wanted to ...well "have a conversation" with her..lol. That was just ONE of the MANY rude comments she made/makes. I don't talk to her much anymore.

Some people are rude and inconsiderate and just don't get it. There is no excuse for ignorance. Now...I just say...I don't feel like talking about it, or change the subject ..or if she really irritates me....it's better then bleeding to death! LOL.....

I'm sorry people are being like that to you. I feel your pain.

Unread 01-08-2012, 07:48 PM
Re: Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!"

Wow some people sure don't think before opening their yap!
Unread 01-08-2012, 10:46 PM
Re: Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!"

I had a bunch of people telling me not to have my surgery and to get a second opinion. Of course I didn't listen. I have wanted this since I was in my late teens. I never wanted children and hated dealing with heavy and painful periods, wondering if I was pregnant after missing a few months, etc. I told everyone I was thrilled to have the surgery and it has been something I have wanted for some time. Everyone thought I was nuts! LOL
Unread 01-08-2012, 10:57 PM
Re: Sorry, but I don't want to hear "I'm sorry!"

I also had people asking me about whether I was grieving the loss of my uterus.
I have to admit that I was pretty short with them: I am 55, have already gone through menopause, have 3 beautiful sons and it was threatening my life with being on the way to cancer.
It's hardly a loss when it is a redundant organ. My mother died of ovarian cancer, so I am glad to be rid of the lot!

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