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Husbands, SOs, Partners Husbands, SOs, Partners

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Unread 01-17-2012, 11:23 AM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

My husband is fantastic and supportive in his way. He is not able to comprehend what I had done and just does for me and pampers me. I asked if he wanted to see my "operation"(scars and steri strips) he looked like a deer in the headlights. The whole thing just freaked him out and he couldn't verbalize it. Later he said he couldn't stand to see me hurt and seeing me in the hospital made him think of life without me. It was very sweet to hear. Men are just not capable of dealing with things beyond their control. That's what women are for. I left booklets around the house and told him about misterhystersisters. I'm sure he looked at them, but I never asked. He has been great through my recovery. I'm very lucky.
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Unread 01-17-2012, 12:22 PM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

After 23 years together, I could NOT have done this without my DH's help, encouragement and support. He was open to attending my appointments pre and post op. He has poked around these boards. He asks me questions all the time about things I'm doing and if I'm "cleared" to do them. He probably has watched out for my health better than I have; I do things so automatically, sometimes he had to catch me and say "hey, don't DO that!".

He says anything that involves me involves him, and he wants to know about it. I've been with him through numerous of his own surgeries, he is a type 1 diabetic that has been in and out of hospitals for years. So at this point, he said it was my turn, and reciprocated the care I've given him.

He is not too squeamish with blood, etc., however, if I talked about something he really didn't feel he needed to know about, he had no problem telling me "is this something I REALLY need to know? If it is, tell me. If not, I'd just as soon pass that bridge if/when we come to it."

So I tried not to overwhelm him with info; I did a lot of printing out of sites he could visit and printed info on the surgery, etc. He read it all, too, in his own time and when HE felt like it. I didn't pressure, I just wanted him as informed as I was.
Unread 01-17-2012, 03:07 PM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

My husband normally doesn't like talking about things like this. Just the sight of a pack of sanitary napkins freaks him out. After trying to broach the subject with him about my hysterectomy I knew getting him to talk would be difficult. One day I sent him a link to an article and asked him to read it whenever he had time. I told him to focus on the part that talked about what our sex life would be like. The article of course did touch on that but it talked about the procedure itself and how to take care after surgery. A week later while we were having dinner, he asked me if I had purchased an abdominal binder. I was shocked. From there we had a great discussion about how I felt and how he felt. I never started a conversation with him. He would mention little things every now and then leading up to the surgery. I answered his questions but didn't offer additional info. I am 5 days post op and he has been great. He understands what I'm going through and even though he can't "fix" it, he does everything he can to make sure I'm comfortable and resting.
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Unread 01-17-2012, 08:47 PM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

My husband went to my last dr. appt. to schedule surgery and he also went to my pre op appointment. He says he doesn't want me to do 'anything' for quite a while. I just hope he knows what he's saying when he makes statements like that. He's very supportive though and seems to know what's going on and what will be done at surgery tomorrow.
Unread 01-17-2012, 09:11 PM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

Wow, we have amazing men in our lives! We are some of the luckiest women. I was married for 6 years and during that time we had absolutely no boundaries with each other. We saw each other on the toilet, picking zits, washing our bottoms in the shower, whatever. After we split it occurred to me that a little space is a good thing. Preserve a little mystery. I have been in my current relationship for 5 years. I adore this man. He has never seen me in the shower, or on the toilet, or pluck the grey hairs because it's time to color (again!). So I was torn how much to involve him. I didn't want to gross him out or turn him off. But at the same time we're a team and this decision has a big impact on his life too. And it's these defining moments in our lives that make us stronger as a couple. He didn't ask a lot of questions and seemed concerned but not overly so. He held me while I cried and rubbed my back until I fell asleep the night before surgery. I didn't realize how worried he was until he saw me post op and gave me a present. While I was in the OR he went and bought me diamond earrings and gave them to me as soon as I woke up. He's not a jewelery guy so this was a grand gesture. And he took 2 weeks off work to take care of me. I did have to give up some of my privacy post op. he stayed in the bathroom while I had my first shower and dried me off and put my Jammie's on me. He was also kept extremely informed about my inability to poop post op and applauded me when I finally pooped However, when some weird or unusual "healing stuff" went on, I kept that strictly to myself. I told him I need you to take me to the doctor and when he asked what was wrong I just said I can't tell you. And he didn't press, just got me ready for the hour long car ride. What I'm trying to say is all men express their concern and anxiety differently. And what you share and how much is completely dependent on what you're comfortable with.
Unread 01-17-2012, 11:53 PM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

We are indeed lucky women!

Last night, without mentioning that I had started this thread, he came upstairs and lay across the foot of the bed, eyes as round as plates (need to back up and say that yesterday morning was my pre-op meeting, which of course I HAD told him about). I asked what was the matter and he said "You're having surgery." "Yes", I acknowledged. He said "Well, all surgery has risks..." This opened up a very sweet hour-long discussion about what I might need when I come home from the hospital and what he should be doing now. I mentioned the Misterhystersister site (we had a giggle over the name) and said that that site and this one were very informative but didn't push.

We are coming into new territory in our relationship, where we are each given small glimpses of what things will be like for us as partners as we age and things begin to break, and that sometimes it's not all moonlight and magnolias. Sometimes your partner has such severe diahreah from food poisoning that he can't make it to the bathroom and only gets as far as the upstairs hallway. Who has to deal with that? YOU do. (I did). It's profound in a gross sort of way, because you realize that this is just what you do. You look after them and yes - clean up after them - when they are sick or otherwise out of commission. there's no "ew" factor. I had my moment when he got so sick a few months ago. Maybe he's having his moment now. Lovely and reassuring to see.
Unread 01-21-2012, 05:11 PM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

I just want to say I envy you whose SO is involved. My husband is not, and never has been. I'm about ready to "practice" a surgical menopause fit pre surgery haha

I guess it is their personality. I have been struggling with my issue for almost 5 years (you can see my post can anyone relate I recently made b/c its to much to type lol). About two months ago I got upset and said "why the heck wont you talk about this with me!" and his respose was "There is nothing to talk about I can't do a thing to fix it unless you want me to take my knife and try to cut it out myself." I really do think a lot of men are fix it types and if they can't fix it then that's that. He has went to the appointments bc as he said "you would just get mad if I didn't" and its true.

It has nothing to do with him being grossed out because he isn't bothered by that type of stuff (is actually going to school to be a Nurse and I worry about his "bedside manner" lol). We have been together for 16 years and married 13 and he still calls to ask me "which ones are the tampons." But will get them and carry them to video games while he takes a gander with them in his hand. Men are amazing creatures!!
Unread 01-21-2012, 05:35 PM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

My husband is so supportive! He has come to every one of my dr appointments over the last few years and I don't think wild horses could keep him away. He is a very loving husband who lives his life to take care of his family. He is the type who always opens doors for me, holds my hand as I walk down the steps. He is a very attentive husband. I find it charming.
But he was raised seeing his father treat his mother this way. Not all men express their love and concern in the same way, and that doesn't mean they don't care just as much.
Unread 01-21-2012, 05:39 PM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

It sounds so familiar! :-)

I just told mine; it was a big deal to me and it WOULD effect him, so he had to listen and give feedback, he was the only one that could. Then I babbled non stop for about two hours with all my worries concerns.

He got it! He wasn't very talkative about it, but when I started talking after that, he just took a seat and let me get it out.

In the end, sharing it all helped - a lot. Afterwards when I was too dopey to understand, he had the background to understand what the Dr was saying, to keep me walking, meds on time, and eating.
Unread 01-21-2012, 05:51 PM
Re: Husbands, SOs, Partners

My Fiance and I have been together seven years, he has seen me through all the ups and downs of my "Female pains." He is nothing but kind, supportive, and loving. He is going to be there for the Hysterctomy. When I had my sten put into my left ureter because of Endo he bought me balloons and a movie. I couldn't have asked for better support other then my parents.

Sounds like we are all lucky. :-)

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