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How do you deal with all the emotional questions? How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

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  #1  
Unread 01-18-2012, 11:12 PM
How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

I am scheduled for a DaVinci hysterectomy on February 2nd. I have endometriosis and adenomyosis, and the older I get, the worse it gets. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful boys (ages 3 and 5) and really would like another one, but through much thought and prayer I have decided that it is not fair to myself, the kids or my husband to be in so much pain all the time. We just got orders and will be leaving for Spain this summer for 4 years. My doctor here is amazing and we has helped me so much through this whole process. I have come to terms with the fact that I am sick of feeling sick all the time, but I know it is going to be extremely emotional for me because I have had to make the decision between having another child and my health. Sometimes when I talk about it, I'm fine. But other times I just break into tears. I have worked in the same place for 10 years and the problem I'm having is that almost everyday I get one person or another (usually clients that don't know any better) asking me "so when are you going to try for that little girl??". When I tell them that we won't be trying and that I"m having surgery, I get that look of pity and them not knowing what else to say. I know I have been blessed with two healthy kids, but will that feeling ever go away of wanting another one? I'm just so afraid that I'm going to burst into tears anytime someone talks about it after the surgery....how do you prepare yourself for something like that??
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  #2  
Unread 01-19-2012, 10:17 AM
Re: How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

Urby

I'm really sorry you had to make this choice. I can only imagine how hard it must have been. For me, I never had the choice. My uterine problems made it virtually impossible for me to become pregnant. And we tried.

I did finally become pregnant at 38, but it ended in miscarriage. Two months later my sister announced her pregnancy and I was devastated. When my niece was born 3 months after my expected due date it hit me hard all over again.

All I can say is that, with any form of grief, the pain passes with time. The Aching Hearts forum is for grief support and may be helpful to you. I also strongly recommend grief counseling - I've found talking with a professional therapist can be very helpful.

I wish you all the best. (((HUGS)))
  #3  
Unread 01-19-2012, 12:10 PM
Re: How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

Urby,
That is one of my biggest issues and why I put off having the surgery for so long. I am similar to you and just posted in the introduction about this.

I have a 5 yr old and 4 yr old twins, all boys. I've had issues all my life and we tried for 17 years to have children and lost 3 along the way. All my life, I knew I would have a girl and waited for it. Now, I know that it's too late and if I managed to get pregnant I would probably lose it (and I can't go through that again), and there would be no guarantee it would be a girl anyway. But I am having a very hard time with this. I started crying when I read your post and then the next one.

Logically, I know that I'm done, but I feel like my decision was taken away from me from the earliest times until now. I have 3 amazing boys, a wonderful husband and I feel blessed and grateful for what I have. But I am still so emotional and grief struck by this and most women that I have spoken to say they don't understand. I can't tell you how many times i have heard, well you're not going to use it anymore and bonus, no more periods. That just makes me feel stupid and worse. I waited so long for my children and worked hard and went through a lot to get and have them. I just can't get over the knowledge that it's over.

This is the biggest reason I came to this site, because I wanted to see if anyone else was having this issue. I'm not trying to make everyone feel sorry for me, there are many women who didn't get that one child. And I was one of those for a long time. I just need to be able to understand why I feel this way, that I'm not alone and hopefully to get some help in coping.

I guess I had to reply because I am feeling the loss and regret as are you. I hope and pray that we find some help on here together.

Thank you for sharing.
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  #4  
Unread 01-19-2012, 12:28 PM
Re: How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

I am scheduled for my TVH on 1/31. I had my son at a very early age, I was 19 when he was born and I always wanted 4 children and I wanted a pregnancy where everyone was happy for me rather than oh my god, you are so young, you ruined your life. That didn't happen for me. I tried to get pregnant with my exhusband and lost a baby really early on. Then I left that loser of an excuse for a man and found my other half, my current husband. He has no children and I would have been over the moon to give him a child and I held out hope for so long that I could do that, but I can't. Those parts of me don't work anymore. They haven't for years. Even knowing that, it still breaks my heart that I'm losing the first place my son ever called home and I'm losing the ability to give my husband any children. He says it doesn't matter, my son is his, we just didn't know it yet. But, it still hurts.
  #5  
Unread 01-19-2012, 01:59 PM
Re: How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

I haven't been to the aching hearts forum yet. But I guess I hope there is a place for women like us. Because I sure wouldn't want to make others who haven't ever had the chance to have children feel bad. Does anyone know?
  #6  
Unread 01-19-2012, 02:50 PM
Re: How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

I’m 31 and just had my hysterectomy due to severe pain from endometriosis and adenomyosis. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and neither of us have children. It’s been a lot for both of us and a true test of our relationship. When I think about it I really feel cheated sometimes; I never got to get married and get pregnant (I’m actually still a virgin). My boyfriend and I will never have a family and there’s always the added fear that maybe he’ll want to find someone else some day and have his family (although it really seems like he’s not going anywhere). It’s a lot of emotion but I had no quality of life anymore and something had to be done. It’s only been 7 weeks for me so I can’t give much advice but it helps me a lot to make other plans for the future, work towards other goals, and get excited about other things. Life has so much to offer and I want to be able to live it as fully as I can. That’s why I did this. Best wishes to you! Hugs!
  #7  
Unread 01-19-2012, 03:18 PM
Re: How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

First off, I am really sorry if I have offended anyone....I suddenly feel kind of selfish for talking about wanting a 3rd child when there are so many women out there that haven't even had that chance for one. I'm new to this site and I really appreciate all the support from everyone. Although, I sit here and suddenly have found myself in tears. I'm not sure if it's because I've found a site where people actually understand what I'm going through or what. I have been blessed in so many ways but in some ways, even though I have kids, I feel like I've been cheated too....out of my health and actually getting to enjoy these first few years with them. That is why I know this decision is the right one, but it still makes it so difficult. I am only 29yrs old and have been dealing with pain since I was 14yrs old. As my mother would say, she can't even remember a time since I was 10yrs old (had major sinus problems) that I have actually felt good. We started trying for a baby shortly after we got married. I had one miscarriage and then my two boys. I am one of three kids and for some reason have always wanted 3 kids of my own. I know I should be happy with what I have, but when I see the way they act around other babies, it just makes my heart hurt because I know that after this surgery I won't physically be able to give them another sibling. Once again, I am so sorry and this may sound totally selfish...I'm not sure where else to post without talking about my family since they are part of my life....anyways, thank you for all the support and hugs. I wish the best for everyone out there that is facing such a tough decision. I'm just trying to focus on all the positive aspects of what this may do for me and my family, even though it's kind of hard to even fathom actually feeling GOOD for once! As we speak, I am sitting here with a heating pad on my stomach because I am cramping so bad, have pain down my legs and back (and I'm not even on my cycle) and also have ice on my back and neck because of trigger point injections today! Yea, I'm ready to start feeling better!! P.S. Has anyone else not only had the cramping issues but found a decline in their immune system and pain throughout other places in their body??
  #8  
Unread 01-19-2012, 03:26 PM
Re: How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

I'm not offended at all and you are allowed to feel cheated, and sad, and disappointed, and anything else you may feel. Our experiences may be different but we can all understand the loss. Please don't feel like your sadness is less than those of us who've never had children, maybe a bit different, but not less. My heart goes out to you and everyone else dealing with this loss.

Also, yes, my problems really affected my overall health and immune system. I had never been so sick in my life as I was the last year before my surgery.
  #9  
Unread 01-19-2012, 03:29 PM
Re: How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

Hey Urby,
My heart aches for you. Questions, even well intentioned ones, can hurt so deeply.
I am 27 and just had a complete hysterectomy a week ago due to adeno/pelvic congestion/pelvic inflamatory disease/ovarian cysts. Its been a loong and difficult road for me and I just knew that given how bad the pain was and how much it was affecting my life I had no choice.
I had children very young and so now have a 5 year old and 2 year old. I knew after my first that even two might not happen. Both my pregnancies were terrible and had complications and I also had a miscarriage in there. After my 2 yeard old was born my husband went and got a vasectomy because he said he just couldnt watch me go through that again. I knew he was right and all the doctors said I shouldnt get prengant again but it was still hard.
The funny things is, even though I KNEW I had to do this, and even though I KNEW I wasnt having more kids....when it came down to surgery? I still had a bit of a panick attack about it.
It's a sad thing to lose that ability. But I look at it this way, the blessings are that I hopefully now get to be a better more present more healthy mom to the children I do have. And a better more present and more healthy wife to my husband. Some woman dont even get that. So I am blessed. Plus, if the urge to have another child ever does get all encompassing for both my husband and myself....there are LOTS of babies out there who desperately need a stable loving home! Adoption can always be an option and a chance to create beauty in the world!
For now though we are consumed enough just dealing with this. And that's ok. Its hard. But I just try and remember two things 1) What my mom always said "Count your blessings" and 2) My personal favourite quote "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over....it became a butterfly"
Good luck to you!
  #10  
Unread 01-19-2012, 03:32 PM
Re: How do you deal with all the emotional questions?

And yes, my health was greatly affected over all as well. There were a lot of times in the last year I actually thought I might die. Any virus going around I would catch and usually it would stay around tripple as long and be tripple as bad for me as for anyone else. It was miserable.
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