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coming to terms on never having kids coming to terms on never having kids

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Unread 02-17-2012, 12:03 AM
coming to terms on never having kids

I have a TAH scheduled in 4 weeks, I turning 41 just before surgery, am recently married. We were hoping to have kids but apparently that is not in the cards.
Can anyone out there tell me how they came to terms with wanting but not being able to have kids?

People who have children and have had hysterectomies keep telling me "it'll be ok"'s never going to be ok, but right now I can not walk through the grocery without tearing up when I see a pregnant female or God forbid someone with a child.

I could hope that it will get easier....what did others feel?
I know I am not alone..I know I am not crazy.

I just need someone to talk to...anyone out there?????
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Unread 02-17-2012, 12:41 AM
Re: coming to terms on never having kids

hugs. I'm coming to terms with similar issues. I'm sorry. I hope you find peace or a solution that is good for you.
Unread 02-17-2012, 03:55 AM
Re: coming to terms on never having kids

Im 31 and just had a hysterectomy 4 weeks ago and never got the chance to have my own children. However I do have the pleasure of being a mom bc a year ago this month I adopted my niece and nephew and I love being their mom and and being able to take care and nurture them. Funny how things work out bc little did I know I was never gonna get to have kids. If possible look into adoption there are so many children out there that want a mommy just as bad as u want a child. I think me having my 2 adopted children made it easier for me to come to terms with not being able to have kids. I still get to b a mom and u can too.
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Unread 02-17-2012, 09:59 AM
Re: coming to terms on never having kids

I suffered through 6 years of infertility. I too cried every time I went to the grocery store and saw women with their children. To make matters worse, I was a CPS investigator and got to see daily women who would have 3 or more children only to neglect or abuse them.

The only advice I have is to seek counseling. Find a licensed counselor or social worker who counsels (rather than a psychiatrist). You need someone who will listen and give you coping skills.

I'm not about to tell you it will be ok. That's denying your sense of loss and grief. And this is grief and you will need to allow yourself to go through the whole grieving process.

Perhaps you and your husband will look into adoption. There are certainly plenty of children that need loving parents.
Unread 02-17-2012, 11:50 AM
Re: coming to terms on never having kids

I am 44 I have known for a while I couldn't have kids. I just had surgery the 12th if January. My husband n I split up for a few months two years ago. We been together 11 years. We finally decided we wanted to work it out. Low n behold a few days later there was a knock at the door. N the lil so n so he was fooling with says she was pregnant. His son is now going to b two in May. N I love him to death. It Will always b an emotional roller coaster as far as I can see. What hurts worse than someone else giving my husband a baby. Is that I have been to sick to b a part of his life. I am seriously considering adoption when I get better. To kind fill that gap a little. N take up to much time I waste feeling sorry for myself. There r so many children that need a good loving home. N I feel I want to b a good roll model in the babys life. I want him to grow up remembering he was loved. Not a burden or a mistake. Its not his fault his parents r stupid. The baby mama has come to terms with my husband Will never leave me for her. N she wants what's best for her son as well. Thank god. So he has four loving parents instead of two. Cuz she was married as well. Lol. Its not funny but it is.just find another way to channel your love. Doesn't matter fir how ling. U can make a Hugh difference in a child's life even in passing. I still have to sit in an office full of pregnant women when I go to my doctor. N of course I cry at times. U r not alone sweety. But there is a kid out there waiting fir u to cone love them. That's what keeps me going.
Unread 02-17-2012, 09:18 PM
Re: coming to terms on never having kids

I am so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy and we understand. Your grief is real, and you will need time to process this and get through it. Counselling is a very good suggestion. It can be helpful to start the counseling before the surgery. The emotions post op are like a kick in the gut. It may be helpful to get a head start on them. You may also wish to look at the Grief forum, there are many women out there who are Working through these same feelings. Wishing you the best.
Unread 02-17-2012, 09:35 PM
Re: coming to terms on never having kids

I understand! I am 44 and just got my TAH scheduled today for March 16. I have no kids either, and am with someone who doesn't want kids because he has a rare condition where he has to where leg braces and doesn't want to pass it on to children. I never thought I'd be someone who didn't bear a child or two, but you never know how life is going to turn out sometime. I have accepted the fact that I will be childless, but my sister has kids and my boyfriend's brother and his wife just had a baby so I can be around kids and babies a lot if I choose. I'm so sorry about wht you're going through with the emotional realization of your might consider down the road being a 'foster parent' on a part-time basis for a child through a local foster care program. A child that already has full-time foster parents would be in your care 2 to 3 days a week and you will be helping out a child, be able to bond and care for a child and you would be compensated for your time spent with the child and get possible financial help for the care of the child while in your home etc. - that would be another option to full out adoption, which there is a long waiting list for from other eager couples and can cost upwards of $50,000 or so.

I am actually considering a part-time foster care option for myself and my boyfriend, who is so far on board with that idea. Surrounding yourself with family members who have babies, toddlers or kids and offering to sit for them and spend time with them can also be rewarding. I can definitely empathize with you and am dealing with my own feelings on that same subject now...I wish you the best in dealing with your pain and grief with this situation and you will be in my prayers!
Unread 02-18-2012, 01:13 AM
Re: coming to terms on never having kids

Honey I understand how you feel, I've suffered from infertility since DH and I started trying back in my early twenties, when we decided to get serious and seek help for it, back in November I found out I had endometrial cancer, well needless to say my whole world came crashing down, it actually devastated me more knowing I would never carry a baby inside, then my actual cancer diagnosis.

I've had to avoid baby showers for friends because I simply refuse to put myself through it, selfish perhaps, but oh well. I cry when I see a pregnant belly, babies, kids, heck even a diaper commercial.

We were lucky enough to get an emergency egg retrieval done prior to my surgery, the clinic discounted the 8 grand cost down to 3 grand because I was a cancer patient. So although we still have the hope of a successful surrogacy one day to have a biological child, the fact I will not carry hurts.

And yes there is adoptions and tons of little ones, and older ones that need a loving home like yours, or a surrogacy route as well, but I truly do understand how you feel, not getting to experience motherhood during the 9 months hurts. Not too mention the insane financial burden adoption, and surrogacy can put on you.

You're in my thoughts girlie
Unread 02-18-2012, 06:40 AM
Re: coming to terms on never having kids

Hugs and I commiserate with you too. I am in my mid-20's, unmarried, no boyfriend since birth to say the least. I thought I had my whole life ahead of me (with regards to marriage, family and kids). Wanted to finish college and be a career woman. Thus, I didn't really prioritize those aspects until further down the road.

But quite abruptly and unexpectedly, following a D&C, I was diagnosed with endometrial adenocarcinoma due to years of no periods and unopposed estrogen, and referred to a gyn oncologist to have a hysterectomy.

It created such a whirlwind of emotions for me. I felt still too young and unprepared to face such a decision. I realized that all along, I wanted to be like my mother and share a similar love and bond with my own children. And all of this coincides with the prime time when peers are getting married and just starting their own families too.

I wholly agree with you, that no one can truly understand what you feel. I practically bawled upon seeing the doctor prior to my surgery, partly due to fear and more so, the feeling of finality.

Through this, what I can say helped me immensely is prayer, prayer for guidance and acceptance. I also keep giving myself pep talks as well, such as that I should not dwell on what was or what could have been. If ever down the road, it is meant to be, maybe there will be a child (like via adoption) heaven sent for me to love and care for as my own. I also realized that we must value our personal health and well-being first and foremost, and the wonderful people who surround us like family and friends.

This site has also been helpful in softening somewhat the feeling, knowing that there are others going through similar experiences made me feel that I'm not alone in this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Unread 02-18-2012, 09:23 AM
Re: coming to terms on never having kids

Emmabean -

you are certainly not crazy and if you go to our Aching Hearts forum (in the menu above you will see Grief and it links to that forum) you will find many, many threads on just this topic.

The experience of loss and grief is a common one for women whether they've had children, not had children, been through menopause, are pre-menopausal, young or old. A part of it is the finality of not having a choice.

You may find that journalling helps you get the emotions out. I would journal about things and than tear up the pages to just have a release. I also found that talking to a counsellor has helped me as well.

as you go through this journey.

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