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Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned) Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

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Unread 03-25-2012, 10:45 PM
Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

Okay ladies... I am going to take a moment to vent about something. Maybe I am being petty, or overemotional, or just plain silly.

I was talking to a close friend about my surgery (LSH, left ovary and uterus removed. I am 31). I have been friends with this girl since I was 16... we have been through a lot together. Anyway, she said something so hurtful to me, that I am not even sure what to do next.

She knew I was having surgery from an e-mail I sent her, and she told me to call her afterwords when I was feeling up to it (I was scheduled within a week of my ultrasound). When I called her to let her know I was home from the hospital and the surgery went well, she said to me "I am so jealous, I wish the doctor would take my uterus. Getting rid of my periods would be awesome."

I didn't know what to say to her, or how to react. I just said "ya... it's going to be great" and made some stupid excuse to get off the phone. Now, I don't want to talk to her, and I don't know if I am being silly or not.

Is what she said a normal response? I mean, hubby and I were done having kids, and she knew that. But, at the same time having this surgery is about so much more. They took my womb.... a piece of me is gone. And, the crap that led up to this surgery has not been this day at the beach. Can she really see know further than not having to buy tampons anymore?

Ladies, please tell me if I am being to hard on her. How would you handle this friend?

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Unread 03-25-2012, 11:03 PM
Re: Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

Its hard to expect her to fully understand if she has a normal healthy cycle and has never had problems like yours. I can sympathize with you toto some extent because I at 28 I have just had my uterus removed as well. Several of my friends have made similar comments ti me as well, though for me the surgery was a blessing after what I have suffered in the past couple years. I agree that the comment was pretty insensitive given the range of emotion that can accompany a hysterectomy especially at a younger age like you or me. With that said, I would say she probably didn't intend to be hurtful, especially given the length of your friendship. Perhaps you may need some more time to grieve still, and of course no one can tell you how to feel, but eventually you should talk to her. Be honest- tell her that her words really hurt. Im sure she will be willing to listen- friendships don't survive that long without communication and honesty. Certainly don't keep it bottled up forever or it will likely drive a permanent wedge between you, but if you need to take some time before you address it, I think you are justified in that
Unread 03-26-2012, 04:48 AM
Re: Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

She may have wanted to make light of your of my friends also said something like that while she had bad cramps...kind of the only bright side to losing your uterus. I am older and closer to menopause, but not there yet. You have been friends a long time...may need to give her a break. Tell her it bothered you and she will probably apologize...good luck!! OX
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Unread 03-26-2012, 05:35 AM
Re: Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

I got the same response from one of my friends. She has been asking her doctor for a hysterectomy for years, but they won't do it. She has an IUD and no issues. She told me it's not fair that I--meaning myself--don't even want one, but I get to have one anyways.
I didn't think anything of it. People dont understand what it is like unless you go through it. My friend has been by my side ever since it was suggested. She was actually at my doctors appointment with me when I got the news.
Unread 03-26-2012, 06:57 AM
Re: Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

Loads of people have said the same to me and people at work kept saying 'you're so lucky having 2 months off'! Believe me I would much rather be at work! I have tried to ignore the comments. People can be so insensitive and I'm sure they say these things because they are not sure what to say.
Unread 03-26-2012, 07:15 AM
Re: Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

I can relate my friend of 26 years has said to me several times how lucky I am to never have to worry about a period again and that she was going to ask her Dr. for a hysterectomy then followed it with how lucky I am to be off work for 4-6 weeks. I was so mad I told her I did'nt chose this I did'nt want to have the surgery nor did I want to be off work for weeks, but I had to do what was best for my health and my life. grrrrr some people think were doing this just to be off work and because we don't want our periods anymore.
Unread 03-26-2012, 02:02 PM
Re: Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

I would agree that you need to tell her how you feel. Tell her what you need from her in regards to support. Since you have been friends a long time, I doubt she was trying to be insensitive. I have found that some people don't know what to say so they either say nothing at all (most of my friends) or say something like what your friend said. I am very sorry she was hurtful. I have been hurt by many comments and actions by many friends and family through this ordeal, so I understand. Hugs to you!
Unread 03-26-2012, 02:34 PM
Re: Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

I have had many people say the same thing to me (including my nurse at the hospital). After years of pain and problems I don't blame them for wanting it done too. I just laugh and tell them it hurts a lot. I just had surgery a week ago so maybe it just hasn't sunk in for me yet. But I don't think your friend was trying to be hurtful. At the same time I don't think your wrong either. This is a big deal and you can't help how you feel. Just talk to her and tell her how you feel. If she is a true friend she will understand.
Unread 03-26-2012, 04:29 PM
Re: Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

I think some of the insensitive comments come from a mindset that this is a common, uneventful surgery and is no big deal. Like we get a vacation from work and never have to be inconvenienced by a period again. They think we're winning the lottery!

In reality I found the surgery and recovery are awful. I think what was done to me in the OR was disgusting and a very sad thing to do to my uterus. It is the only organ in my body that announced I was now a woman, gave me my one amazing child, and gave me fantastic orgasms. The last thing I ever wanted to do was remove it and go through a long painful recovery with gross discharge, swelly belly, and mood swings. 8 months post op I'm still swollen and hurting. And sex? What's that?

A close friend to me said something hurtful to me when I was pre op. I did respond to her that she hurt me and she apologized sincerely. I have only heard from her a couple times post op. I replied to her email telling her I was still in pain and having problems. I kept it very factual. She suggested I go for counselling. I have no idea why she said that when I didn't refer to my emotional state whatsoever. I didn't resond to that comment because I don't want to say something I'll regret later.
Unread 03-26-2012, 04:37 PM
Re: Hurtful Friend (kids mentioned)

I don't think she meant anything bad by her comment. I had my uterus removed 10 days ago and I had a friend more concerned than I am. I think some ppl feel a connection with their body parts..feel a loss and others don't. I'm on the team that doesn't. I told one friend (who was concerned that I should see a Psychologist to talk about the loss)...." My uterus was good to me. It gave me 3 great kids but it's been a pain in the *** for the last 3 yrs and I'm happy to bid it farewell". She thought I was kidding and hiding the "real emotions of the loss" I told her that I didn't have this connection to my uterus that she may think I had.

I had other friends make the "no more period" comments and my answer to them was "I know...I'm excited!!!" They knew that I bled 2 wks out of every month for the last 3 yrs and it was hell.

Cut your friend some slack but you can also tell her how you feel...just don't expect her to understand the loss you feel.


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