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I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

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  #1  
Unread 04-08-2012, 12:19 PM
I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

I'm not in a good place emotionally or mentally. I know this. And I know there are hormones at play big time and that this will supposedly pass.

that, however, doesn't change the fact that:

1). I am totally overwhelmed. You name it and it is not getting done fast or well enough if at all.

2). I have decided that I really wouldn't mind being dead. Like if I just stopped breathing- I'm ok with that.

3). This past week (week 5 of the recovery) I caught RSV from my kids- so I have had one of the worst colds ever, and I'm asthmatic so I'm not getting enough air. I also had an ovarian cyst rupture- because, you know, there just hasn't been enough pain in my life lately.

4). I am beyond frustrated with my limitations. It is one thing to be short on money and time- I'm a military wife, so I cope with that daily- but I can't be long term short on myself.

5). We got a puppy about 2 months before I had surgery. He is a BIG puppy and I haven't been able to train him properly (not like anyone else would step up)- so now he is just adding greatly to my stress level, chewing and jumping and needing more training and attention.

6). If I have to tell someone else to get off their butts and clean up any more I'm going to have to start throwing things. It is one thing to ask for help when needed and a totally different thing to have to constantly point out the obvious to a bunch of lazy butts, and then deal with them acting totally put out because you've asked them to take the trash out or some other less than 10 minute task. I'm SO sorry the maid being sick is inconveniencing you.

7). It is EASTER. I am so tired of living far away from family and doing every holiday on my own- I do EVERYTHING. It isn't fun for me, my husband usually ends up working on at least 2/3rds of all holidays, and with no family and no support the best we end up with is a gimme-fest of kids wanting treats and toys. We usually go to church and focus on the religious aspect of Easter, but I'm wiped out and my oldest spent half the night puking so here I am stuck in the house alone with the kids, and my middle kid is upset that the bunny didn't come today (he came about a week ago- he always comes at random due to DH's work schedule and trying to keep the religious focus), and then tells me that *I* brought the eggs last time so where is thebunny with more treats?

Yeah. Epic fail.

8). I feel totally inadequate and overwhelmed and lonely and sick. I am deeply unhappy and have been for too long. I don't feel like things a going to get better- I feel like I'm just supposed to get well enough to deal with the next sucker-punch the universe throws me , and who wants to spend their life waiting for that?
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  #2  
Unread 04-08-2012, 12:36 PM
Re: I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

I know how you feel. I have been really struggling with my emotional state ever since the surgery. I have been uspet that my teen daughter has not wanted to help as much as I had hoped she would. Most of the time I have been alone so I am more annoyed at myself than I am with others.

I have also been thinking I don't care if I die. Just please make sure if your thoughts change from not caring if you die to actually thinking about ways to make it happen, call a crisis line or someone else you trust.

I am nearing the end of a long, drawn out process to get my BA in Disability Studies. I am supposed to be submitting my thesis by Thursday of next week and then I will graduate. I am working on it now, but am very frustrated with it. I feel like all the work I have done is no good. I am angry at myself for not having it done before the surgery, so that I wouldn't have to worry about it now. I write a bit and then I get so angry I want to delete it all and quit.

I never expected to be this emotional after this surgery. I am angry, sad, frustrated. I go from just a little down to totally hating everything about myself and my life.

I don't know how to help you, but I can tell you I understand.
  #3  
Unread 04-08-2012, 12:45 PM
Re: I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

Oh wow! You are dealing with A LOT!! I can't even imagine...I just want you to know that I feel for you and am listening.

As for #2 on your list, Lou, I felt like that BEFORE surgery, daily, for months...it was a terrible feeling and yet, so calming at the same time in a weird way. So I *do* relate to that. I felt so down, so bad, in so much pain and so unheard...I felt like, really, what do I have to lose by dying? Now, though, I don't even think about that - I am only looking forward and trying to see past all the hurdles and struggles that are recovery. But I want you to know that I do get it and I hope you can find a way past that feeling - but I understand it's function and hope you do, too. If it gets to be too much, please consider support from a professional, though...too easy to drown in that feeling and feel like there's no other way out.

Sending only good thoughts your way and many, many cyberhugs. Peace.
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  #4  
Unread 04-08-2012, 01:28 PM
Re: I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

  Quote:
Originally Posted by canadianchic View Post

I never expected to be this emotional after this surgery. I am angry, sad, frustrated. I go from just a little down to totally hating everything about myself and my life.
No kidding. I expected everything but this- I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't even fathom how you are writing a thesis! I've been struggling to keep up with my blog lol!
  #5  
Unread 04-08-2012, 03:19 PM
Re: I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

Well, it certainly isn't going to be any good! And I have been spending more time here than I should be, I should be only working on my thesis, but any distractions will do at this point!
  #6  
Unread 04-08-2012, 08:37 PM
Re: I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

any distraction- no kidding.

My kids are going to a friend's house most of the day tomorrow- I am hoping that the quiet after the looong weekend will help. My ability to cope with noise and chaos has been greatly reduced through all of this.

There's a reason you're supposed to need a hysterectomy when your kids are all grown up- not when you're 30 years old with three little ones!
  #7  
Unread 04-08-2012, 08:56 PM
Re: I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

Oh, gosh - that's a lot to deal with, you poor thing. First let me thank you and your husband for your service and sacrifices for our country - it does mean a lot to the rest of us, although you may not feel like it or realize how much. I wish I could come over and help you!
And I know how emotions can be so up and down - and when they're down, even though I knew WHY with the hormones, that didn't mean they weren't valid! So, your frustrations and depression have good reasons and I'm not going to dismiss them. I will just hope you can find some comfort here and that things get better - a little or a lot!
You're not alone, even though you're not getting much help or support in person, you've got tons of support and people backing you, hope you can feel it!
  #8  
Unread 04-08-2012, 09:28 PM
Re: I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

Hugs to you.

I have suffered depression on and off for years and I just wanted to suggest that you might want to try and find a therapist and talk to your doctor about this.

I am not discounting your feelings; you sound like you've been through so much. But I also know that a lot of people have depression issues after surgeries and there are things docs can do to help you out. Meds, supplements, therapy, etc. It looks like you kept your ovaries, but if you are having hormonal issues, you can talk to your doctor about temporary HRT to help you through this rough patch until your ovaries kick start working properly again. You don't have to go it all alone.

Sometimes I think holidays put everything under a magnifying glass and make it all seem even worse. I hope your quiet day tomorrow helps you feel better. (I get mean and snappish if I don't get time to myself.)
  #9  
Unread 04-08-2012, 10:44 PM
Re: I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

I don't think I dare to HRT- I can't do birth control in any form- any hormonal messing with myself has ended up with me crazy or throwing up. My body just does NOT like its hormones screwed with, ya know?

KInd of frustrating.

At any rate- I plan to give it 3 months- give my body time to level out just a bit before I try anything.

so I guess I'm just hanging on.
  #10  
Unread 04-08-2012, 11:24 PM
Re: I'm so grouchy I don't even like me right now

Hi Lou,

I am also a military spouse, so I can definitely relate. Please just know that there are people out there thinking of you.

I'm not sure what branch of service your husband is in, but I'm guessing AF based on your location. Please don't hesitate to call your PCM if you're having trouble. If they're not too approachable, you can also call Military One Source and they can help you. Has anyone from your husband's squadron or unit called you? Command spouse?? If you need help, you can always ask your husband to go through his first sgt if necessary.

Hang in there, hon...it will get better eventually. Sunshine comes after the rain.
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