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11days postoperative depressed and need advice 11days postoperative depressed and need advice

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Unread 04-08-2012, 04:20 PM
11days postoperative depressed and need advice

Hi... today is Easter 11days postoperative and I have not been able to stop crying since last night. I never thought I would feel this way, as I am 42 and was not really thinking about having children, but the man I am now dating brought up in conversation yesterday that he was sad his 3year old daughter might not have siblings.... I get that, because I am very close to my sister but the overwhelming sense of loss and feeling I am not really a woman feels heart wrenching today. I cancelled all Easter plans to stay at home alone and feel like I made a big mistake in not seeking a second opinion for my surgery.
do these feelings go away? I feel old, tired, bloated, and inadequate....should I just break off the relationship now if he is guilty about not giving his daughter siblings? Help.
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Unread 04-09-2012, 03:58 AM
Re: 11days postoperative depressed and need advice


I'm so sorry you're strugging right now. It's a major surgery and hard enough by itself, without any additional worries or stress.

We've moved your post to the Post-Op Support forum so ((sisters)) can reply; unfortunately, they couldn't reply where it was. Hopefully, it won't be too long before you start receiving the very best of hugs and support.

I'm sending all good wishes and positive thoughts as you continue to heal!

Unread 04-09-2012, 04:18 AM
Re: 11days postoperative depressed and need advice

EK, my heart goes out to you. I am nearly 43 and thought I was overall ok with not having children, but I have felt really sad off and on since my surgery, since that just made it that much more final on the biological front. It hits me like a truck sometimes, and I think that's why I am also feeling a bit older and somehow less "feminine" lately (even though intellectually I know I am the same age and the same person). There are a lot of good posts on this board, in Aching Hearts/archives, that might help you to see how other women have handled similar situations and come to terms with it. You are still so fresh out of surgery and early in your recovery, your emotions are really heightened right now - Please be good to yourself and patient with your body and your emotions.

Please know this - You are absolutely no less of a woman because of your surgery - Whoever you were before is who you are still, but your body and emotions are battered right now. Not a good time to make any major decisions probably vis a vis your boyfriend. Really hope that as you start to feel stronger physically, you will feel better emotionally as time goes by. Hang in there, you'll have a lot of support from this Board and in reading posts from women who have also experienced similar issues
after this kind of surgery.
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Unread 04-09-2012, 07:50 AM
Re: 11days postoperative depressed and need advice

I am 43, definately not interested in more children and don't feel sad about the fact that I cannot have more, but I have been feeling really down since the surgery.
I don't think right now is a good time to make a decision about the relationship, you have been through a lot and your emotions are a bit out of your control.
I do think it was a very insensitive thing for him to say at this point. Do not feel guilt about the decision to have the surgery. I am sure you and your doctor had reasons why it was the right thing to do.
If you didn't really think you wanted children before you had the surgery and this boyfriend guilted you into having one so his daughter wouldn't be an only child, that could have turned out badly.
Is the child's mother still alive? Is it not possible the child could have siblings from her mother's side?
Unread 04-09-2012, 07:52 AM
Re: 11days postoperative depressed and need advice

Also, siblings are not always a blessing. I have siblings and I don't have relationships with any of them.
Unread 04-09-2012, 08:13 AM
Re: 11days postoperative depressed and need advice

Ekreed i believe the deep emotions you are feeling are part of the healing process, you have been through alot..you have just had major surgery and your body and emotions are naturally responding in a healthy way to heal...when i was just over the 2wk post op mark i felt very emotional and sad and it was very deep sadness and i thought that was weird cuz i was totally okay having a hysterectomy as yep ime 44yrs...so i believe its totally normal to go through very deep emotional stages as we heal,,so please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to be emotional and heal..my only suggestion is if you find that after months and months of healing has gone by if your still very sad maybe you should to your doc about it, but i would say for now stay at rest and allow yourself freedom to feel your emotions, its okay...i do have a question for you tho,,,have you been with boyfriend very long as your hysterectomy was only couple weeks ago and he must have known before your surgery that you have made this decision...please forgive me if ime out of line here and its none of my beeswax, ime just a little bit wondering if he is feeling some sadness too as part of the emotional healing he is going through as well, and i would think thats normal too...ide say he just spoke that as his own healing and i really dont think he meant to hurt you at all...so maybe you can talk to him and share your hurt feelings and maybe you can both have a good cry and let it all out...and then he can also share with you if he was also just grieving or if he really does want another child and yes please acknowledge your early in recovery so this is all fresh and new...allow time to go by and see how things go...these are just my thoughts and suggestions,,as one lady in post op who knows what your going through...Peace be with you
Unread 04-09-2012, 08:31 AM
Re: 11days postoperative depressed and need advice

You poor thing! Something he may have thought to discuss BEFORE surgery don't you think? What an insensitive man. Even those of us that do not want children are emotional post op about the loss of choice. It is such a final thing and we need not be reminded of it by insensitive people. My kids ( from a previous marriage)are grown and I have grand kids. My DH has no children, always wanted them, but he's 42 and has been telling me for years he's too old to start now and doesn't want any. I didn't want more either, but it still makes me sad. I kept my ovaries and even the night before surgery asked my DH one more time if he wanted me to have the doc take some eggs during surgery to freeze in case he changed his mind later and we could use a surrogate. He laughed and said, no, he's sure he doesn't want any. I was paranoid he'd someday regret this decision and leave me just so he could have kids.He assured me that would not happen. My point is even if we don't want them, the loss of choice can be traumatic. I am 5 days post op. My doctor gave me photos from surgery and there is a picture of one of my ovaries and you can see the eggs inside. Doc said I happened to be ovulating surgery day. I know this sounds crazy but I keep looking at that picture and seeing the eggs and have a weird sort of feeling and emotions.I don't want kids, but that picture keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind. Hang in there and always know you have a group of sisters here that understand your feelings!
Unread 04-09-2012, 08:52 AM
Re: 11days postoperative depressed and need advice

Deep emotions are most definitely part of this surgery. At times, they feel so raw and deep but, crazy as it sounds, I feel blessed to feel them. They show me how alive I am. The rawness of them does pass and we are stronger and healthier for them. I agree that you should not make a major relationship decision right now; it's too soon in your recovery. You know what I read in your BF's comment about siblings for his daughter? I heard a man saying that he would have loved you to have his child because he loves you. I didn't hear him say he was leaving or that he saw you as less a women. We need to remember that the men feel a loss as well; they just aren't as good at expressing their emotions as women - God Bless them. I'm sure you didn't make the decision to have the hyster lightly, so try to not "what if" yourself too much. As far as being less of a woman - girlfriend, only a real woman could have a hysterectomy. We come through this so much stronger and healthier and sexier than ever before. Depression and mood swings are very common after major surgery and most especially after this surgery, but please talk with your DR if this continues to wear you down. There is much that can be done to help you through this. Please keep coming here for support. Thank you for sharing with us
Unread 04-09-2012, 09:14 AM
Re: 11days postoperative depressed and need advice


I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Hugs.

I am 38 and have no children. My husband and I tried for years, but it just wasn't to be. I feel like my husband is missing out on something, like it's something I lack, like I am somehow less...and it hurts I feel like it's somehow my fault. I know it's not, but I can't help how I feel. Neither can you. It's a rough surgery more than just physically - there is mental and emotional healing, too. And if you haven't had kids, it's even moreso.

Just the other day, I was on the verge of tears about not having a baby and my sister (she's 48 and has 2 beautiful boys) offered to be a surrogate for me and my husband. It touched me and I love her dearly for the offer - but I started to cry because, at that moment, it hit me that I would never, ever carry a baby. I would never know that bond of physically conceiving and having a life grow inside of me for 9 months. I will never have that. Not ever. The pain was so deep and sudden...I have no words for it. Just a deep, untouchable ache.

These realities are tough to bear. And then add your situation and the feeling you have about his daughter. It's SO hard. It's okay to feel sad. This is a loss. You have to grieve. Allow yourself to grieve and be angry and feel these feelings. It's healthy.

I wish I could hug you in real and we could sit with a cup of coffee and cry together. I don't know anybody in 3D that has had this done and doesn't have kids yet - I am the only one I know - so the support on that front has been very limited and mostly just on here. It's hard to read a post that talks about losing a womb and they already have 2 or 3 kids when I lost mine and never had one full-term child. Nothing against those women and I am not trying to diminish their grieving at all, it's just so hard for me is all.

I hope this helps you to know that you are not alone. Peace.
Unread 04-09-2012, 10:10 AM
Re: 11days postoperative depressed and need advice

Thank you so much for the kind advice and response...not having the support close by of someone who has had a hysterectomy (and never had children) is the hard part. I have two friends who have had them, but both with children and the only advice they can offer is what a pain it is to have kids, and I wouldn't want them anyway... so not helpful.
Thank you again and I hope you are healing well - physically and mentally.

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