Anybody else going through a breakup? | HysterSisters
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Anybody else going through a breakup? Anybody else going through a breakup?

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  #1  
Unread 04-21-2012, 06:00 PM
Anybody else going through a breakup?

I had my radical hysterectomy for cervical cancer seven and a half weeks ago. I had been going with my boyfriend only about four or five months when I was diagnosed. He reassured me that he would be standing by me while I got through everything and was really kind. He came to my appointments with me and helped me alot. He reassured me that he was marking the date on the calendar when we could resume intimacy.

Then as I was really feeling better in the last week or so he was very busy with his kids. I've always been supportive of his time with them. Then the other night after a lovely dinner I took him back to my bedroom. He just didn't respond.

Then I got the whole story. He felt I had been more invested in the relationship than he and said that for him, the romantic momentum had slowed last fall, before my diagnosis. In the last couple of weeks it had become clear to him that things weren't right for him. He is freshly divorcing and says he wants to be branching out and creating a new life not getting tied down. He told me that it was during the time without sex that really clarified things for him.

I had wanted a future with him. I loved him all the more for staying with me during my cancer treatment. I am just crushed. He said he wanted for us to talk later about "being important in each other's lives". I told him no--I can't trust him with my heart ever again and that he has no comeback position for a friendship. It just would hurt too much.
I think he has withheld important information from me about his feelings.

I know I'm going to be ok and will just be focusing on myself for awhile. I really don't want to date again. They cut out my organs but he cut out my heart!

Has this happened to any of you other sisters out there?
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  #2  
Unread 04-21-2012, 06:31 PM
Re: Anybody else going through a breakup?

No, I have not had that experience, I broke up with someone I had been with for many years a while ago now, before I knew I was going to have this surgery.
I wanted so much to call him and tell him about it, to ask him to come and be with me during my hospital stay and recovery, but I knew that would be a bad idea. I was really just beginning to get over him, and I did not want to confuse matters. Then there was the possibility he would say no, and that would have been too much to deal with.

Hang in there, it will get better. At least you found out before moving in or marriage.
  #3  
Unread 04-21-2012, 06:39 PM
Re: Anybody else going through a breakup?

Unfortunately, yes. Isn't it awful when you're at such a vulnerable point in your life, and the person who supposedly cared most for you doesn't in fact care much at all? My relationship didn't make it past week 2; I think he just didn't want to be needed. And the fact is I barely needed him, but he didn't know that seeing as how he practically left skid marks. I didn't get nearly the explanations (excuses) you did - we never really even talked about the end of the relationship. I figured, if you cared so little about me and would desert me at a time like this, good riddance.

I give you credit for telling him no friendship and how your trust has been broken. Good for you. It's so hard, and this process makes your emotions bounce all over the place anyway - add a breakup to it and it's tough.

I know we're strong enough to get through all this on our own, and I've done just fine - you will too, but that support and love and caring just can't be replaced. The lack of it is really, really hard to take at a time like this. Friends and family are wonderful, and I've been lucky to have their support - it's been great. But that relationship with someone special is something irreplaceable.

Hopefully this thread won't turn into one of those "wow, NO, my guy's been so great" kind of boards, because I find that so insensitive, but it's happened before - it's great that lots of women here have supportive men in their lives. We don't, so a little understanding and support will go a long way.

On the upside, I had told my doctor at my first follow up appt that at least I wouldn't be bugging him about when I could have sex again! At my six week appt, he told me to continue to hold off on sex, so I again said "no worries there" but then he said eventually I have to use it or lose it. We can't go too long w/o any, apparently, without potential complications (losing it? ahh!). So here's to you and I having fun, romantic summers and maybe meeting someone who can appreciate us. We deserve it!
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  #4  
Unread 04-21-2012, 06:55 PM
Re: Anybody else going through a breakup?

I am so sorry this happened to you. I think a diagnosis of cancer is very hard on most relationships. It sounds like this guy just couldn't handle it. This says more about him than about you. But it still sucks. I'm so sorry.
  #5  
Unread 04-21-2012, 07:03 PM
Re: Anybody else going through a breakup?

I am so sorry for you!! These stories break my heart. I am 2 weeks post op and fear every day that my relationship isn't going to survive this.Sometimes I think I am just being hormonal/emotional, and sometimes i think I have valid reasons for feeling this way.I have been living with him for 4 years, but have been very sick with my lady problem almost the whole relationship. I can't have kids, and he says it doesn't matter, but I think it does and he just doesn't want to hurt feelings.I have thoughts in my mind that as soon as I am recovered he will give me a speech similar to the one you got. I pray that I am just being paranoid, but reading your story sure does make a girl wonder.
  #6  
Unread 04-21-2012, 08:09 PM
Re: Anybody else going through a breakup?

I am very concerned about the whole use it or lose it thing. I don't plan on getting "out there" for a while. Why would it be different to wait now versus if we had not had the surgery?
  #7  
Unread 04-21-2012, 08:45 PM
Re: Anybody else going through a breakup?

  Quote:
Originally Posted by canadianchic View Post
I am very concerned about the whole use it or lose it thing. I don't plan on getting "out there" for a while. Why would it be different to wait now versus if we had not had the surgery?
I never heard this use it or lose it thing. Where did that come from??? I actually am afraid to have sex for the first time. I'm thinking in your case maybe your lucky you got out of it.I don't think I;d want to go without it indefinitely, but if I didn't have a man I'd sure be waiting maybe six months. ouch!
  #8  
Unread 04-21-2012, 08:50 PM
Re: Anybody else going through a breakup?

  Quote:
Originally Posted by dmarie1014 View Post

On the upside, I had told my doctor at my first follow up appt that at least I wouldn't be bugging him about when I could have sex again! At my six week appt, he told me to continue to hold off on sex, so I again said "no worries there" but then he said eventually I have to use it or lose it. We can't go too long w/o any, apparently, without potential complications (losing it? ahh!). So here's to you and I having fun, romantic summers and maybe meeting someone who can appreciate us. We deserve it!
This is where it came from, and I remember on another thread someone saying something about you can't wait too long. And how long is too long??
  #9  
Unread 04-21-2012, 09:04 PM
Re: Anybody else going through a breakup?

When my doctor and I had this discussion, he said within the year - that the vaginal tissue can get thinner and less flexible, so sex could be painful and very difficult.

Keep in mind, I have no ovaries and with the endo he doesn't want me on HRT for a few months at least - so that might play into his advice for me. But he definitely said to use it or lose it, that moisture and "activity" would be the best thing I could do. Quite a prescription, huh?!! : )
  #10  
Unread 04-22-2012, 06:09 AM
Re: Anybody else going through a breakup?

He did you a favor and he was honest. Just take care of you for now
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