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Has anyone else had an idiot for a DH going through this? Has anyone else had an idiot for a DH going through this?

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  #1  
Unread 01-18-2002, 06:47 AM
Has anyone else had an idiot for a DH going through this?

Or gone through it totally alone? I'm about in tears here. My dh is one of the most selfish people I've ever met. Now that he's ill (bronchitis again) he's not the least bit pleasant. He's refused to take me to meet with the anesthetist today because I got angry this morning about having to go fill his car with gas before work (he passes 4 gas stations on the way to the highway!)

So, he told me to get my own ride if I won't help HIM out. I'm really scared about recovery and such all alone. I don't think I can depend on him and I have no family that will help (yes, they were asked)

any suggestions? Helpful advice? Please?

Kat (who's crying here)
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  #2  
Unread 01-18-2002, 06:58 AM
Has anyone else had an idiot for a DH going through this?

OMG Kat I wish I could just be there with you and give you a big I can not imagine anyone going through this with such amounts of added stress. I will keep you in my heart and prayers. If you would like to email me and chat please do so anytime.

Debbie
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  #3  
Unread 01-18-2002, 07:02 AM
My Sister

I felt the same way at first when I scheduled the surgery. My DH kept going on about how he was going to monitor my mood swings. My advice is to be strong and he will come around. The tears are ok and may make you feel better. Does he know exactly how you feel about this? That you are scared and need his support? The meeting with the anesthesiologist is very brief and he may not even be allowed to go back with you.

If he is too sick to care for you, do you have any close relatives or friends?

Take care and know that your hyster sisters are here for you. They have been a great help and comfort to me.

Take care,
KD
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  #4  
Unread 01-18-2002, 07:11 AM
Has anyone else had an idiot for a DH going through this?

Hi Kat

for you! I can't imagine trying to get through this with the lack of support you are having. My biggest problem with my DH is that he is more concerned about how my surgery will affect him rather than me. Now, don't get me wrong, I completely understand that this is a MAJOR thing for my family but I am workign like a woman posessed to get everything in order for them.

I know it's like but keep your chin up. Your strength is going to pull you both through this and when you feel like it have a It works wonders on releasing some pent up stress.
  #5  
Unread 01-18-2002, 08:31 AM
Has anyone else had an idiot for a DH going through this?

Oh, I'm so sorry he's not giving you the support you need right now! I wish I could be there to knock some sense into him.

I don't know if this will help or not, but I think, in many cases, they just feel helpless and afraid themselves, but of course, they can't show that, so they withdraw. Men like to "fix" things, and if they can't fix it, they don't know what to do about it.

My husband was a bit withdrawn at first, but my mother told me to get him involved in DOING something. I had him help get the house ready for my recovery. He got the guest room ready (I slept in there for awhile because our bed is very tall, and also I didn't want him bumping into me!), went shopping with me for comfy clothes to wear, he moved everything I might need to waist-level (clothing, toiletries, cups, juice, etc.) so I wouldn't have to bend or reach, bought food and juices that would be easy for me, etc. This way, he felt he was doing something to "fix" the problem, and it also helped him stay focused on AFTER the surgery, which helped him realize there would BE an after, and I would be coming home to him.

This was the first experience either one of us had with a hospital or illness, so he was just as frightened as I was, but didn't feel like he could show it. My mom said he actually cried when he saw me in the recovery room. I have NEVER seen Mr. Tough Guy Police Officer cry in our 10 years together!

Another woman on this site whose husband didn't want to talk about her surgery said she printed posts and information from the site, and just left them lying around in places he would see them. Apparently, he read them and realized how much support and help she needed!

Good luck, and please know that you can come here for emotional support anytime you need. Best wishes.
  #6  
Unread 01-18-2002, 08:40 AM
poor girl!!!!

I can not believe your DH said that to you! How selfish! I have had more support from my DH but there are times he can get a little selfish too! He got a sinus infection and sick right after my surgery. His mom was here for a couple of days and seemed more concerned with how he was feeling rather than how I was feeling. I could not help but laugh about it! Men are such babies when they get sick! Maybe he will snap out of it when he gets over his illness. Hang in there!

s
  #7  
Unread 01-18-2002, 08:53 AM
Has anyone else had an idiot for a DH going through this?

Hi,
Sorry to hear about your husband. It is a very difficult time your going through... one thing I have learned from reading some of other womens posts... I must be one of the luckiest people alive... If you read this my DarkFiend... I love ya so much, I could't go thru this without your love, help, support, and putting up with me being so crazy..... but it isn't me, ya know.... it is those **** penguins trying to steal my sanity.... :-)
  #8  
Unread 01-18-2002, 09:05 AM
idiots

Kat,

My DH is also a DR and was still an idiot. He wasn't directly mean, nor did he refuse to help, he was just plain old insensitive (sequential sentences: Don't get out of bed. How could you leave the house a mess?). And I have 3 kids 3,7,10.

Some suggestions: Talk to your doc - even one more night in the hospital will help your recovery. Bring things to the castle to distract you. Given my DHs tendency to whine, I told him I really didn't want long visits, and that was fine for me.

Once home, make your requests very specific - not just clean up the kitchen, but "unload the bottom rack of the dishwasher because I can't bend without fainting."

Let everything else go but your recovery. He will fend for himself, and while it would be nice to be waited on, it may not happen. My mother in law came to help, but she really babysat the kids and DH so I could be alone and rest. She stayed the 2 nights I was in the hospital and then 3 nights after I came home - and after that I was OK.

Tape your official post-op restrictions to the fridge. And when they talk to you, make them write down all the things you can't do. I SPECIFIALLY had my doc write "no picking up children" "no driving" "must lay down for 1 hour at least 3 times a day" and "must walk slowly for 1 hour each afternoon. I may keep that damm thing o the fridge the rest of my life. Every time h DH asks me to break the rules, I tell him to go talk to ____(suregon's first name).
  #9  
Unread 01-18-2002, 10:38 AM
Has anyone else had an idiot for a DH going through this?

Yes, Kat, there are many self absorbed DH's!!!!!

Mine was going to take off 3-4 days of work to help, that was the plan. As soon as I got my surgery date, a week and a half ago, all of a sudden he can only take off the day of my surgery due to pressing issues at work!!!

My daughter, who is 19, is going to take off 3 days from college to help around here. I have 4 children, the others are 14, 12 & 9.
My children are very active in school and other activities. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends who are going to help me out with driving, etc.

My only advice is that you need to focus on you!!! If he isn't going to be much help, do as much as you can before hand and try to be prepared, and then just don't worry about the rest. Everyone on this site talks about being a pampered princess, but that just isn't a reality for some us.

Best wishes to you and I pray all goes well for you in your recovery!!
  #10  
Unread 01-18-2002, 11:39 AM
Has anyone else had an idiot for a DH going through this?

OK, here's a good one - my DH has just e-mailed me (we are both at work now) and said "the end of February when you're almost back to normal we are going to the "Y" to swim so you can heal faster."
I am having a TAH on Feb 4th. He does not understand the concept of healing, bacteria in a pool, etc...They just don't get it that the "workhorse" will be out to pasture for a while...and, God forbid, he might have to DO SOMETHING BYAND FOR HIMSELF, OH, THE HORROR!
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