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One week to go - a vent and a question One week to go - a vent and a question

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  #1  
Unread 01-25-2002, 09:40 AM
One week to go - a vent and a question

My surgery is a week from today. I believe it will be a LAV/BSO, but the Dr. may decide to do abdominal once he "gets in there." I am a single woman (divorced) with one grown daughter, she is 29, married and a kindergarten teacher (no children yet). I live alone but I do have a sort of SO/BF (not sure WHAT to call him) who is very supportive, who has been there for me and will be there for me during the recuperation (doesn't live with me but is nearby).

Anyway ... my daughter has a very blase attitude about my upcoming surgery. I don't want to make a big deal about it, but sheesh ... it IS a big deal. I have never gone through this before. My SO/BF will be at the hospital during my surgery and I want my daughter there too, and she is coming, but I think she would just as soon not. I know she loves me and all that, but she has never dealt with sick or hospitalized people, doesn't quite get it. She called me this morning before work to find out what time the surgery is scheduled for, because she has plans for that afternoon. I told her it is supposed to happen first thing in the morning, but who knows when I will wake up and how I will be feeling (general anesthesia).

She said that a lot of her friends' mothers have had this surgery and she doesn't see what the big deal is. I told her that it is indeed common, but is STILL major surgery. It may not be a heart transplant, but it's not having wisdom teeth removed either. She is planning to stay with me for a couple days after I am released from the hospital, but again, I don't think she understands what this is all about ... may take a tough-love approach, if you know what I mean. I know it sounds terrible, but I almost wonder if I would be better alone??? I told her that and of course she insists she wants to help me. Whatever!

I have tried to explain the surgery and of course then I feel like a big hypochondriac.

My question is, those of you have had the surgery, or are getting ready to, who did you have at the hospital during surgery? Did you want anyone there? I don't want a whole big group there, but I do want SOMEONE out there waiting, who cares about me. I have been feeling VERY emotional and weepy about this. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Thanks for reading this long message! Any and all replies welcome!
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  #2  
Unread 01-25-2002, 10:01 AM
One week to go - a vent and a question

Hi,

I am not exactly in your situation, but mine is somewhat similar and I can really relate to what you're saying. I'm divorced with an adult son, although only 19. He has expressed no concern whatsoever in my surgery and will not be there. I have no SO/BF and it is actually my ex-husband who will be there for me. It can really leave you feeling alone and lonely, so I can truly understand your sadness.

I feel badly for your situation with your daughter, but it does sound like you have an understanding of who she is, what she is capable of, and what she is not capable of. If you can just accept the little from her that she is able to give and not let it upset you, then great. What you don't want is anyone around you that is going to put negative energy out there for you to have to deal with. You need positive energy around you from positive people to help you along in the recovery and healing process.

My thoughts and are with you.
  #3  
Unread 01-25-2002, 10:02 AM
One week to go - a vent and a question

Dear Debbie,
I'm sorry you are not getting more support from your daughter. I am having a TAH on 2/13. My hubby will be bringing me to the hospital that morning. I'm not sure if he will be staying at the hospital during the surgery or going home to wait for a phone call. Personally, if my loved one is in the operating room, I'm not leaving the hospital. But that's a "mother" thing, I think. Hubby says he will probably stay at the hospital during my surgery. He said then he may leave for a while while I am in recovery and then come back. He says he doesn't want to see me in recovery because I'll be all groggy and sleepy. Personally, I think he may be nervous about coming into the recovery room because 10 years ago I quickly became extremely ill and had emergency surgery and when he came into the recovery after my surgery, I had so many tubes and monitors hooked up to me and I looked so sick that he barely made it down the hall to a chair. He came so close to passing out. I felt so bad for him when I heard about it. Anyways, I think that may be why he wants to leave after surgery for a while.

As far as my children, I have this motherly need to shelter them from it all. (Two sons, ages 17 and 20) I just want them to get up that morning and go to school or work and then come home to find out I'm okay and then come and visit me. I know they will be a great help when I get home because I'm already like a princess around here with hubby and two sons!!!

I hope your daughter comes to realize how emotional a time this is for you and that it is major surgery. I'm sure the fact that she wants to come stay with you when you get home is her way of showing that she really does care.

Hoping all goes well for you next week.
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  #4  
Unread 01-25-2002, 10:09 AM
Support group

I am sorry that your daughter is not more supportive. I only have sons and they don't have a clue! Maybe after she sees what you are going through she will become more compassionate. We also do not want to think that our 'aging' mothers might have medical problems, they are invincible! My mother and DH will be at the hospital waiting for me, maybe my brother also. I dread when they call me back. If I kiss them my mom will cry, what to do, what to do? My DH will probably get to wait with me in the back and we can do this in private, hopefully after I am partially sedated, no more tears please!
Best wishes and I hope all goes well. I am scheduled for TAH BSO on 2/6!
  #5  
Unread 01-25-2002, 10:10 AM
do find someone supportive!

Hi! I just got home from the hospital. My TAH (kept ovaries and cervix) went very smoothly. I was quite prepared, emotionally and physically. STILL it was fantastic to have my boyfriend there -he was with me until I was wheeled into the OR, and then he was in my room waiting for me when I was done. In fact, he may have met me in recovery - I'm a little hazy.
The procedure itself and the little walks, getting more comfortable and stronger - all that was made so much easier by having the emotional support. It IS an emotional surgery, no matter how prepared you are. I have never wanted kids, and was looking forward to the relief (and I do feel relieved already!), but I just let the feelings come up and my boyfriend validated them. Some people don't deal well with feelings, or with seeing people who are usually strong being weak and needing help. Your daughter may be having this difficulty. I know that when my formerly strong father started getting old and weak and then was diagnosed with Parkinson's, this was all very hard for me and my brother to deal with. It was like a huge role reversal, and is still not easy sometimes.
If your daughter is going to be with you, you might want to make sure she's present when the doctors and nurses talk to you about what your recovery will be like.
Best wishes to you!
- Flo
  #6  
Unread 01-25-2002, 10:10 AM
One week to go - a vent and a question

Hi Debbie,

I am sorry that you are feeling sad and weepy. I felt that way last week. Much stronger now. I will have my surgery Thursday January 31 at 7:30 in the morning, but need to be there at 5:30am. My husband and I will go together and then my older son also 29 years old like your daughter will pick up my younger son 16 years old who will be out of school for that day and come to the hospital around 8:30 or 9am. Yes, I did want my sons there as family and to be with their father. They are worried about this surgery, but maybe boys are different then girls.

I do hope all goes well with your family decision.

God Bless and try to stay strong.

Debbie
[email protected]
LAVH/BSO
  #7  
Unread 01-25-2002, 01:17 PM
One week to go - a vent and a question

Hi Debbie, s to you. Does your dd know nervous and emotional you are? Have a heart to heart talk with her. Maybe she's just as nervous as you and is hiding it trying to make you less nervous. If you want her there at the castle, tell her, that way she can't say you never told her to be there. Since surgery is early for you, maybe she can stay till you're out of surgery and see you for a bit, then do what she has planned for the afternoon and come back in the evening to check up on you. I know when I got to my room, all I did was sleep. You may not even be aware that someone is there until you're fully awake.
What you're feeling right now is sooo normal. You're on that infamous emotional roller coaster that all liw's ride on, but that ride will be over soon. Debbie, I will be thinking of you next week on your big crowning day. Sending best wishes for a smooth uneventful surgery. See ya in chat.
Jan
  #8  
Unread 01-25-2002, 01:18 PM
One week to go - a vent and a question

Hi there. I'm kind of in the same boat here, the only difference being it's my sister being insensitive and telling me I'll be fine after 2 weeks.

Even after her taking this rather casually, she tells me she has booked the day off to be at the hospital with me. What's up with that?? My mom, sister and boyfriend will all be there. Since my boyfriend is a farmer, and we aren't sure if we can get someone to cover milking around dinner, I'm not sure if he can be there to see me post-op, which I'm very upset about. I'm hoping like heck he can. I also, am wondering how I will feel after surgery. I'm assuming I'll be groggy and won't mind if they all leave except boyfriend. I have read on some posts that with nursing cut backs and staff shortage it might be good to have someone nearby for drinks etc for the first bit.

My boys which are 9 and 10 know what I'm having done and have mentioned that they are nervous about death etc and I have been very open with them. They have adjusted with it quite well. They know they will have to help out after quite a bit. They won't come to see me until the next day.

Good luck to you!!
  #9  
Unread 01-25-2002, 01:23 PM
One week to go - a vent and a question

Debbiealexa:

I read your post and while I don't have a daughter (29), I do have one son (30) who was very supportive about me during my surgery. I, on the other hand, received no emotional support whatsover from my girlfriend (5 years older than me). She seemed to take the attitude "no big deal" -- "You will be up and around in two weeks and then you will be able to have fun shopping for the rest of the time off" ----pppplease!!! My experience was that some people are supportive, understanding about the surgery -- while others-- some (you wouldn't expect) totally don't get it!!

By the way, I notice from your profile that you are a fellow legal secretary, too. -- Just thought I would say hi!
  #10  
Unread 01-25-2002, 01:59 PM
Hi Debbie

Maybe you should have the dr. talk directly to your daughter regarding your recovery. If she hears it from him, maybe she won't be so "out of the loop" about how this IS major surgery and you must take recovery just as serious.

As for me, I have had my share of operations. I have to have my hubby. I get so mad at the nurses, because as soon as I wake up I ask for him and they say go back to sleep. I would go back to sleep if I could just hold his hand! Anyway, as soon as he can come back to me in recovery he is there. My mom and dad usually come too. My kids will be in school, and my oldest will be at work. My mother in law offered to get my daughter after school and bring her to the hospital. I don't know if the boys will come or not. I would say not, but that's ok. I should only be away from home a day or 2.

Hang in there Debbie,

Tam
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