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How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments??? How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

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  #1  
Unread 01-26-2002, 02:50 PM
How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

I have been thinking about having a hysterectomy for the last year! I have researched and researched and thought and thought about it. I made my decision 2 weeks ago. Why do people think I am jumping into this? Why do people tell me that having a hysterectomy is so drastic. I say living with severe pelvic pain for the next 20 years or so is drastic. I say all the hormonal treatments that I've been on that have made me feel HORRIBLE is drastic. I hate it when people tell me to find out what other options are out there for me. I've done that. So far nothing has really worked for me. CBCP's have helped, but I still have pain. Do people think I'm so naieve that I would just have a hysterectomy without learning as much about it as I can? I think they're the naieve ones and maybe that's why the thought of having this surgery is so awful to them. It also makes me feel like they don't believe that I'm in as much pain as I say I am. That frustrates me so much. I honestly wouldn't have the surgery if I didn't feel I needed it. I just want a pain free life and no one seems to understand

Any suggestions on how to deal with the unwanted advice?
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  #2  
Unread 01-26-2002, 03:12 PM
How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

Just reply that while we are fortunate to live in a day and age where there are alternatives to hysterectomies that unfortunately there are still situations best served by hysterectomies and that after having discussed with your physicians and weighing other options that your situation requires a hysterectomy.

There is so much anti-hysterectomy literature and sentiment out there. Not unwarranted when you think that not long ago women were given hysterectomies for just about anything. I know I personally had to get past the feeling that my doctors couldn't possibly be right recommending this for me. But, I did the research and decided they were right and my situation warranted it. Don't be upset that people think you are naive. They do not realize how naive they are, because they have never been forced to do the full research that we have.

I am 4 weeks post-op tah/bso with no regrets. Best of luck.
  #3  
Unread 01-26-2002, 03:14 PM
I've been there!

I used to get unwanted advice about everything. People would just not stop. Finally I would come up with a stock answer, and would always use that stock answer. No conversation needed. For instance, "This is what I'm doing. I've thoroughly researched it." I also realized that it was NOT my job to make anyone happy or comfortable with how I was choosing to lead my life. They might take my stock answer and go away mad, but that was not my responsibility.

By the time I reached my decision to have a hyst, not a single person questioned my decision, which amazes me when I think about it! I think that over the last couple of years I have drawn some very clear boundaries in my own mind, and have become much more definite about my own rights. The criticism has stopped happening. I realized that I don't have to be really "nice" and take care of everybody's feelings all the time. A woman friend once gave me the guideline of "dignity," and that helped me to phrase my stock answers.

By the way, yes, a hyst is "drastic" in that the organ is gone, but I'm only 4 days post SAH (kept cervix and ovaries) and I feel RELIEF! I'm only slightly sore and am taking a lot naps. But you know, I feel better than if I were staying home with the flu - I'm not sick, I'm just healing. I feel liberated from the heaviness, flooding and pain!

It is your body and your decision and the less you engage with the critics, the quicker they will go away. Don't feel that you have to satisfy them. Leave them hanging disgruntled - that's OK. They will modify their way of interacting with you! If I could do it, anyone can - I have done this with my super-meddling, super-conservative Chinese family! Now they are truly supportive of me! Yippee!!

Take care!

- Flo
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  #4  
Unread 01-26-2002, 03:29 PM
How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

Hi, Pasdechat,

Oh, those comments and questions can be irritating, can't they? Since we're nonviolent ladies, here are some suggestions.

When you come right down to it, it's your business, your doctor's, and your immediate family's. When other people offer opinions, or ask intrusive questions, a simple, "My doctor and I agree that this is the best possible treatment for me," should suffice. It's not necessary to privide details, like all of the other things you've tried. You want them to shut up, right?

If they persist, the change of subject works well. So how is the weather, anyway?

If they continue to bother you, how about, "This is a very personal subject, and I'm not going to discuss it further." If all else fails, "This is really none of your business," works well to end unwanted conversations.

For those who insist on telling you EVERYTHING about their surgery, or Aunt Matilda's surgery, especially tales of horror, I usually say, "That's nice," or "Really?" as many times as necessary. By providing no encouragement, I can usually bore those folks into going away.

Hang in there, and say as little as possible to the rude and inquisitive. It's your business, not theirs.

Best wishes,
princessh
  #5  
Unread 01-26-2002, 11:42 PM
How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

Thanks for your responses. You all gave me some good ideas on how to deal with peoples comments. I have been careful about who I tell about my upcoming surgery. I have decided not to even tell the people I work for because as my friend told me, if I tell them, then it's like making it open for discussion. That's how these people. I do not care to discuss it with them. I now only tell the people that I feel will support me 100%. And even if they don't support me, that's their problem because I have made my decision and it is a decision I have made with my doctor and I have put a lot of thought into it. My husband supports me completely and that's the one person that really counts

Anyway, thanks again for your advice. It's so great to have everyone here to talk to and to get the support I need.

  #6  
Unread 01-27-2002, 01:15 PM
How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

I get the same thing all the time. I too have been contemplating this for a year. I also decided firmly 2 or 3 weeks ago that I AM going to do it. The reaction has been the same as you are experiencing? The look of HORROR that people give you is really amusing to me now. I"m 35, and have been going through a lot GYN wise for 20 years. I realize I'm not going in to have a tooth removed. I think the advice the other ladies gave is great. I know I'm young. I also know I am sick of going through this every month!
Best wishes to you. I'm going to have mine done this summer, when its not busy at work and they wont miss me as much for 2 months.
Lisa
  #7  
Unread 01-27-2002, 01:36 PM
How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

On one hand, I think there are alot of people who say things out of concern and think they're helping in case you don't know about other options that may be available. On the other hand, there are alot who are just down right rude and nosey. Sometimes, I think this group of people are just jealous when someone else will be getting more attention or pampering.

Even though there are other options to try first in certain circumstances, sometimes they just don't work or they may just prolong the inevitable. Like in my situation, my dr said we could try hormones or an ablation first, but in his opinion, 6 mos. down the road, we'd be back facing the hyst option. I couldn't take the hormones anyway. I researched what he told me and found he was right. Why put your body through all the extra pain, side effects, etc. when you're just going to have to have one soon anyway? I say quality of life is most important and if it's something that will improve your daily life, why put it off?
  #8  
Unread 01-27-2002, 03:13 PM
How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

Lisa, I too am waiting until summer to have my surgery because of work. After a very painful day today, I wish I could do it now. I teach ballet and I am committed from Sept.-June, so having to find a substitute for me would be stressful and I would most likely feel alot of pressure to return to work too early if I don't wait. Also, I have decided not to even tell the people I work for about the surgery because I honestly don't want to discuss it with them and they are the kind of people that are nosy and will give me their unwanted advice and opinions. I already know what they think of hysterectomies....they would tell me to try everything else first. So, having the surgery in June would mean I wouldn't have to deal with any of that unwanted stress. So for now, I will just keep the Vicodin on hand

Pdawn...I agree that some people are probably jealous of the attention. As soon as read what you wrote, a friend of mine immediately came to mind. Before I say anything about her, I have to say she is the first to admit that she is not sensitive towards other people and she wants all the attention, so I'm not bad mouthing her behind her back. She can't stand to hear about the pain that I have been experiencing for so long now. She brushes me off anytime I start to talk about it and it's not like I talk about it much to her, in fact, I have learned not to talk about it to most people because no one understands. They just don't get that my pain ranks up there close to the pain of childbirth. So anyway, my friend who does not want to hear about my pain has been calling me every month to complain about her cramps. I think she thinks that cramps are a comparable thing to this pain. I just listen. What else can I do? I'm not going to try to compete.

Anyway...thanks ladies for your understanding and for your advice. It means so much to me. It's so great to have people to talk to about this when no one else is there for me. My husband is great and supportive, but how can he truly understand?

  #9  
Unread 01-27-2002, 06:10 PM
How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

I haven't run into that problem. The only advise I've gotten is from women who've already had the procedure and tell me not to wait, that I'll feel great afterward. Everyone knows how awful I've felt the last few years and when I got diagnosed the doc said there were temporary fixes if I wanted to have more children, but that the only permanent solution was surgery, no one's questioned whether I should do it or not. Everyone had encouraged me, saying its best to do it now rather than wait years for it to get worse or to go through more pain and tiredness. I think it would bother me if people tried to talk me out of it. I started feeling this like guilt thing a while back thinking if something happened to me during surgery or whatever, that I didn't have to have this surgery right NOW....but I rationalized it by reading some on here and my own head saying, is it worth it to stay like this, where I hurt alot, I'm so tired all the time, I never want to do anything, and I'm so sleepy tired that I could crash my car next week from the tiredness. The risks are scary and the closer I get the more scared I feel, I want to come home from this surgery, and feel good again.
  #10  
Unread 01-28-2002, 04:43 AM
How do you deal with unwanted advice and comments???

I have only had one person react negatively, and I have made it a point to avoid talking to her since then. By the way she is one of those who has to be seriously sick before she will think about visiting a dr. Everyone else has been supportive and positive.
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