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He wont touch me He wont touch me

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  #1  
Unread 05-02-2013, 10:21 AM
He wont touch me

It's been a year since the hysterectomy. Since then I have also gone through a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. I'm healing from the surgery to remove the spacers and put in the implants. Since the hysterectomy, my husband and I have had sex once, and only because I pushed it. I don't know what to do. He wont even talk to me about it. I can understand him wanting me to heal and not over stress my body but that doesn't answer why not during the six months between when I was given the release from the doctor after the hysterectomy and before I had my mastectomy. I am so at a loss.
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  #2  
Unread 05-06-2013, 02:48 PM
Re: He wont touch me

I am so sorry you have to deal with this along with everything else you have been through. Has he given you any ideas about why he doesn't want to be intimate with you anymore? Perhaps he is so worried about hurting you that he doesn't want to initiate anything just in case. Have you spoken with your doctor about the situation? They probably have dealt with situations like this before. Please realize that there are ladies here that, although we have not been where you are, we will listen and try to help you walk through this difficult time.
  #3  
Unread 05-06-2013, 04:23 PM
Re: He wont touch me

Thanks. Any time I bring it up he always says something about me needing rest, or something about "my needs". I've told him time and again that I am fine and he isn't meeting my needs or really taking my needs into consideration. The conversation just goes around and around in a circle. I don't know. I feel that what ever the real reason, he doesn't feel like he can tell me. That only make me feel like the reason is because he no longer wants me. I really do not know what the real issue is.
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  #4  
Unread 05-06-2013, 06:46 PM
Re: He wont touch me

Have you thought about speaking with a counselor? The hospital you have been going to should have a contact person that can help you find someone you would be comfortable talking with and who has experience working with couples going through what you are dealing with. Your husband may not want to go with you either at first or at all but maybe a counselor can help you understand how his mind is working through all this. Many places have free anonymous help lines you can call to speak with someone as well.

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Your sisters here on this site care about you.
  #5  
Unread 05-07-2013, 03:29 PM
Re: He wont touch me

I've talked to councilors. The biggest problem is my DH's brain doesn't seem to follow the "normal" lines. Anything I have ever been told that he might be thinking or possibly going through, it was always completely wrong. So that has never been any help.

He still will rest his hand on me as we fall asleep, will hug me, and kiss me (never much more than a peck). Its a strange situation. I just don't know anymore.

Half the time I feel that if something doesn't change I'm going to take a bat to him and see if I can knock some sense into him.

Thanks for the support. Venting helps some. I don't want to say anything to those around me because they know him. I don't want them to say anything.
  #6  
Unread 05-07-2013, 05:55 PM
Re: He wont touch me

I absolutely know how you feel about talking to people around you. We are actually moving out of the town we have lived in for almost 10 years because people are so nosy and making my business theirs. When we called the realtor we had used in the past about seeing a home in another town he started the conversation with: "Hey, you had a hysterectomy didn't you?" We had not seen this man in months and have no mutual friends that we are aware of. How in the world did he know not only that I had surgery, but what kind? If we were doubtful about moving before that, we were convinced then!

Good that you have already been talking to a counselor.

One thing that helps encourage my DH is when I start saying things like remember when we ...... And then I talk about some specific time when we were first married and still trying out new things. (Some more successful than others. Giggle) For years I found it difficult to be the one to initiate intimate times because I was a rape victim as a young girl. Now, I think he really enjoys that I am the one who often initiates things.

Please don't give up. You might also want to hold off on the baseball bat for a while. It sounds to me that you have a lot of courage to go through what you have faced and keep trying. I don't know that I could have handled what you have had to. Please keep writing.
  #7  
Unread 05-07-2013, 07:21 PM
Re: He wont touch me

Have you asked DH to get a check-up lately? Maybe there is something physical going on with HIM. Low testosterone is more common than most men think. And since you both have been focused on your physical recovery for a while, maybe he's been putting any changes he feels physically on the back burner. Just a thought - it could have absolutely nothing to do with how attracted he is to you.
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