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Unread 03-08-2002, 04:54 PM

My surgery is still 3 months away I can't keep from obsessing about it and at the same time, no one seems to care. This is the only place I can come to for support. My husband is great, but he's a man and I just don't think he can understand quite like you ladies can. I just wish there was someone in my life, other than my friend who lives 2000 miles from me that understood what I was going through. Most people change the subject when I start talking about it. Is it because of the kind of surgery it is? Are people uncomfortable talking about it? I also think because they haven't gone through any of this, that it's just hard to understand. But I am really starting to get down about this. I need support and I don't feel it :cry: I am so stressed about all of this and I have no one to talk to. Like I said, my husband is great and he loves me and he is supportive, but the surgery is so far away that I don't think he thinks about it much. I just need a good cry

Thanks for listening
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Unread 03-08-2002, 05:18 PM

Hi pasdechat ,

I'm glad that you feel that you can come here to talk about your surgery. That's exactly the reason that Kathy founded the site - to give women a chance to talk to other women and to learn from each other.

I think your husband does care, it's just that most men don't talk about their feelings as much as we women do, and they tend to keep things to themselves more than we do. He may be feeling helpless right now because he feels he can't take away your worries and fears, and wants to.

Have you thought about visiting the hystersister chat room when you want someone to talk to? I know they'd welcome you.

Your surgery date will be here before you know it, and you'll look back and tell other LIW that the waiting part was the hardest, I'll bet.


Unread 03-08-2002, 05:27 PM

Thanks Karen.

I think you are right about men not talking about their feelings. my husband is actually a very sensitive man, but he is still a man and doesn't talk about his feelings like I do.

I haven't thought about going to the chat room, but I think I will give it a try. Thanks for the suggestion.
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Unread 03-08-2002, 05:38 PM

Hang in there, pasdechat! The women here have gone through it, and do understand. Write your fears in this forum if you have no one you can talk to. People will listen. Sounds like all you need is some empathy!

I don' t think it's that people don't care. Some may think they will cause you to worry more by talking. I had that a lot - there was a possibility of cancer, and many people would just say "oh, you'll be fine". They were trying to be comforting. Some just don't know how to deal with other people's problems. Many really don't understand this surgery - it is such a common one that many believe you will be back to normal in a few days.

People handle things differently, too. I think women have more of a tendency to want to talk about their fears, and men keep it inside - ever read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'? (There's something fun to do to occupy your mind!) Men have more of a tendency to want to fix things - and your husband can't fix this. He is probably being supportive in the ways he is able,

Being scared is normal. A good cry can be healing. I did try to do and think of other things, but spent a lot of time making lists, planning what to do and take to the hospital.

Are you in Washington State or Washington DC?
Unread 03-08-2002, 06:00 PM

Lisa Alisa, I am in Washington state...Vancouver, to be exact. I saw that you are in Seattle(or near it, I think your bio said). We're just a few hours away from each other.

Thanks for your support. It means alot to me.
Unread 03-08-2002, 06:44 PM
Reply to post

Hi Pasdechat!
Lots of empathy here for you! I also find myself obsessing about having surgery, due in May. Try to get my mind off of it as much as possible, and then start worrying again.
Hope this helps to know that you're not alone out there! I just read the other day about someone using healing tapes to listen to, and I sure would like to try that. Anything to help think positive!
Sending you a big
Best wishes on your journey
Unread 03-09-2002, 06:43 AM

I had a month to obsess about my surgery..and boy did I..I talked about it all of the time..I still talk alot about it now that it is over..Each day brought something new to me..And I talked about each hurdle that I went thru and got over successfully..My husband talked to me after my surgery..cuz before he was kind of like your's..and he told me the reason that he didn't really talk about it before was cuz he was afraid and then when we walked to the OR doors with me, and they took me away he told me that was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life was to watch his wife being taken away in there and he had no control over what was going on and he didn't know how I'd be feeling when I came out or how much hurt I"d be in..And he has been my rock since I came out of surgery...And I too think that it has made his appreciation of me increase you know? My husband told me that they are our protectors and are spoz to keep harm from us at no cost and this is something they had no say about..you know?He said taht before my surgery he never said anythign cuz he didn't want me to worry more about it..Just kept saying..it'll be okay..Nothing will happen when all of the time he was a mess inside of himself..And I think it was good for him to go thru this..Men just tend to keep things inside of them..I am so glad that you found us..I love this site and even tho I am post op keep reading and reading..It helps so much ..Hugz to you
Unread 03-09-2002, 08:43 AM
Pasdechat and all,

When I first found out I had to have surgery, I couldn't stop talking about it! It was such a shock, first of all, to find out I needed it and since no woman in my family has had one, I was completely uninformed about any of the details. Thanks to this great site, I'm feeling informed, prepared and empowered for my surgery 3/27.
I didn't think my husband was "getting it" either about what a big deal this was for me. I'm 50 yrs. old and done with the child bearing years, but still, a part of me was going to be removed! I finally got through to my DH when I told him my surgery was equivilent to telling him he would have to have his testicles removed. Afterall, he really didn't need them anymore for repoduction purposes. Boy, the look on his face was priceless! He finally "got it".
As for the others...family, co-workers and friends, I'm thankful they just listened and let me express my concerns & worries. I think I'm finally talked out about it. But it was something I had to keep doing until my own brain, psyche, & emotions accepted it.
I keep returning to this site for more encouragement and as my day gets closer, I feel more prepared. The ladies here are just so awesome and wonderful about passing on hints, concerns, helps, etc.
Oh, one thing I still do is get foggy-minded. I work part-time and yesterday I didn't even know I was scheduled to work! Luckily it was a slow night and my co-worker (who called to see where I was) said she could handle it herself. Boy, do I owe her one for that!
Sorry this is so long. Just want to say a big THANK YOU to all of you who post and help the rest of us on our journey.
Unread 03-09-2002, 08:51 AM

One thing I forgot! I posted a note at work (I work at a Women Only fitness facility) telling everyone I was having surgery and if they'd had a hysterectomy, knew someone who did, or work at the hospital (a lot of our members do), to please stop by to talk to me or leave me a note. This has been so helpful! The ladies have given me all kinds of encouragement and "inside" info for the hospital. I also found out my doctor is highly respected and trusted (good to know!) by the nurses. So, if this is something that might work for you, I'd say go for it! To see the ladies who've been through it now working out and doing great is nice to see. Gives me peace and hope.
Just a footnote: My work was so great and got me a certificate for a pre-surgery massage! I love those ladies!
Unread 03-09-2002, 09:15 AM
nearby understanding sister

Hello Sister;
I understand how you are feeling. I hadaround 2 months to wait for my hysterectomy. My husband was very supportive but oucld not really understnd my need to talk about my changing feelings and fears. Most of my friends are much younger than me and also did not understand the concerns that i was feeling, or the need to talk so much alot what was going on.

Many times I felt like time was standing still, and then I would turn around and find that a big cunk of my waiting had slipped away. Finding this site has been very helpful, especially the chat. Please come and join us. It really helped me with all the waiting I had and I also leraned alot there.

I know everyone is telling you the waiting is the hardest part, but I found wspecially with the length of waiting I had, the waiting relly was the hardest thing.

The support here on this site is wonderful and thee is much information availble on the many forums.

I am also very nearby; just accross the river in portland. Drop me a line, maybe we can get together and chat.

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