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No Children...... No Children......

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Unread 03-21-2002, 06:46 PM
No Children......

Oh, I'm so glad to hear from others going through EXACTLY what I'm going through. DH and I never had children either, and I have come to terms with that over the years (we've been married 20 years also). However, when told that I needed a hysterectomy due to a quite large fibroid, I became so sad and came home and cried. For me, it wasn't so much a control issue, but a finality issue. This was fate was sealed and there was nothing I could do about it.

I cried in secret the first few days.....I guess I didn't want anyone to know how much this hurt and bothered me. I went through all of these feelings of knowing that now I'd never have children (not that I would have anyway), I'd be less a woman, I was a failure, I now had a defect, etc., etc., needlessly beating myself up.

After a few days, I basically pulled myself together, and decided to look to the future and not dwell on the past.

I now know I'm not alone. Visiting this site has been informative, supportive and a godsend. Thank you all for your support and encouragement!
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Unread 03-21-2002, 08:49 PM
i understand

Hi Donna:
I am 38 and am having a TAH in a month. I too have gone through the cycles of thinking that you are going through. I am single and never have been married...."HE" hasn't shown up yet and my body decided it is time to get rid of this uterus as it is not my friend in the least. I sometimes wonder if I meet "HIM" and tell him I cannot have children I feel as a single woman I am immediatley less attractive. I think what makes us think this way is the "society" conditions females to me traditionally socialized, this is what a woman does..........when woman do not WANT to do those things, then rather than accept that so easily, it is much easier to say they are "different".!! My best friends daughter is 17 at least now when she gets cramps and sick with her cycle, they do not tell her it is in her head..........I think at our age we are caught in between a traditioanl woman with kids and a liberal "I love my life as it is" and want to do and experiement with all that there is. It is ok to be happy and when we are forced to close a door , it is human nature t have a last thought what is the other side like. Relax, pamper yourself, feel comfortable in your decision and feel suportive by all who know you by the internet!
Unread 03-22-2002, 04:34 AM

Dear Donna,
From childhood on I expected I'd eventually have a child or two. But I didn't marry until 42 and pregnancy never happened--Doc suspected endo early on, tho I was pain-less.
Was never motivated to go the fertility route (knew someone who did and the expense was stunning, hormone injections made her a basket case for several years--and never worked).
I have had a few pangs over the finality of hyster but so far they have been out weighed by excitement about a periodless future. Fortunately I have a happy marriage, work I like and many interests to keep me busy.

Probably when I'm old without kids & grandkids around for company and help--then I'll have more time for regret.
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Unread 03-22-2002, 06:23 AM
No Children......

I'm old enough for grandkids. And if you're life is full and content now, it will be when you are old. If you have friends now and make friends now; you will then.
I've taken care of elderly neighbor women who have had plenty of kids and grandkids, but no time for Mom or Grandma.
I don't miss having children(oh okay I wonder sometimes what they would have been like , but i don't miss what I never had. And though children for the most part are wonderful people, I prefer to know them as friends and not kin.

P.S. My masters thesis was on the elderly and childless. You know what? They for the most part did just fine...unless they chose to dwell on what they didn't have or what they perceived other's had.
Unread 03-22-2002, 10:12 AM
No Children......

Donna, I'm 35, never wanted kids, and chose to have the hyst myself. Nobody forced it on me; it was a quality of life issue for me because of severe cramps that no other treatment seemed to touch.

I had my hyst 9 days ago and have been feeling these pangs of regret, or grief, or doubt. It's so hard to admit! I'm scared of how my life will look now that I've closed that door -- I hate closing doors. My life feels like a big unknown now. I'll probably feel better when I'm done with recovery and able to get back to my normal life. When I feel doubt about my decision, I remind myself that I had a strong sense beforehand that for some mysterious reason, this is what I had to do to move into the next phase of my life. I don't know where my life is taking me, but following my intuition has always worked out so far.

Ginny, thanks for telling us abour your thesis! I've always wondered if I'd be a miserable old woman because I never wanted kids. How great to know there's scientific data that I can be just fine!

Unread 03-22-2002, 01:35 PM
No Children......

Gee Donna, I guess you've helped so many of us! I'm 38, never been married, and knew from the time I was about 15 that I didn't want kids. My dbf of 12 years has two kids and had a vasectomy before I met him, so kids haven't even been an option for us. I've been the best aunt - even like a second mother they all say - coaching them in youth sports and rescuing them anytime they needed it. But somehow, when someone suddenly tells you that the option for the most basic of things - reproduction - isn't a possiblity for you anymore, wow, that just hits you so unexpectedly. My dbf was baffled - even asking if I had plans to have kids with someone else that he wasn't aware of - silly boy! And driving home the other night, I started thinking about being that branch that ends in midair on the family tree and it made me a little sad. But I guess the reality is that I never intended to be a mother and maybe a higher being is reaffirming that it was the right decision all along.
Unread 03-22-2002, 03:59 PM
No Children......

I'm 43 and my DH and I have been married 21 years plus. We put off having children till I was about 30 since he was in school and graduate school - but, by them, 'spose it was too late. I had surgery to get rid of fibroids so we could go on about fertility procedures - of few of which we did until it got to the point that it was going to cost us about $1000 a month and the odds were not that much better at conceiving - and the drugs were making me crazed. So we stopped playing god and settled on the fact that we were probably not going to conceive THIS way and if a miracle happens, fine. If not, well, we have lovely nieces and nephews and our own cats and dogs, and...well there are advantages to not having children. So there is always a bright side. It is sad sometimes, and sometimes scary knowing that we will grow old without our children caring about us...but... each day I am thankful we have each other and all the other goodness in our lives.

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