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Why would a DH be so inconsiderate? Why would a DH be so inconsiderate?

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  #1  
Unread 04-07-2002, 08:29 AM
Why would a DH be so inconsiderate?

I debated whether or not to even post this....it is going to make my DH sound like such a "monster", but today he is!! I just don't know how to make him understand that this is a MAJOR surgery! I am one that keeps my emotions hidden and I am lucky to get a good cry in once every 5 years! But this is really scarring me and I don't think he has ever seen this side of me (after 12 years, that is hard to believe, I know)...I am sorry is this is too personal, but I really need to vent...we had sex last night and it was sooo painful....I could barely walk and had to go lay in bed...no bleeding this time though! This morning I tried to explain to him that I cannot help the lack of sex drive I have due to the pain! He had the nerve to say "everything on you hurts lately"!! I told him that I want him to go to my pre op in hopes that he will understand that everything DOES hurt!! And there is a reason for it! He also said "you are making a big issue out of this, all they are doing is removing some parts"!! That set me off!! I know he did not mean it like it sounded..and he felt horible after he said it...but that was uncalled for! A lot of the problem is that I am his second wife and getting the bunt of it one more time..his first wife had severe endo and had a hyst at 26...she was in and out of hospitals there whole marriage! So it is one of those "been there done that" things for him! Well I HAVE NOT been there done that...have had one surgery and that was my lap last year!! Is it too much to just want a little compassion? I know for the past week since the scheduling of my surgery date this is all I have talked about...but I am scared!! Well, sorry to whine..but just needed to vent to someone..even if no responses, I do feel better! Thanks!!
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  #2  
Unread 04-07-2002, 08:50 AM
You have compassion from your Sisters at least :)


He is probably scared too. Men are sometimes (speaking VERY generally!) very afraid to show the fear and anxiety of situations that affect them. Yes, he may be going through a bad trip about his ex-wife. But you are not her. You are you and your fears and pains are something that only YOU understand. If he is willing to go to your pre-op that may help. I have no answers, just a good thought for you and will be thinking of you on the 16th.

You deserve love, care, and healing.

Jenny
  #3  
Unread 04-07-2002, 09:07 AM
Why would a DH be so inconsiderate?

s MJM!

You already know he didn't mean it and we all say things that are taken the wrong way at times or say it and wish we hadn't. Set him down in a calm fashion and let him know that you see his side of the picture BUT you are not the other wife , this IS your first time dealing with this and you need him. Men are men...no matter what... you usually have to spell it all out for them!

You two have been through 12 years together! That is a good while! I bet there are many more years waiting on the other side of this "event"! Try not to get too mad at him--he may not be able to comprehend the magnitude of this surgery-- even though he went through it with wife#1. Remember your nerves are razor sharp right now!
Kiss and make up and tell him how you feel when you are calm, cool, and collected.
Have a great day! Join us in chat...

Hugs,

Kathy
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  #4  
Unread 04-07-2002, 09:41 AM
Why would a DH be so inconsiderate?

Thanks for all the kind words...I know he didn't mean it...but I am taking everything sooo personal right now! I just can't wait for him to see that everthing will be sooo different in another month or so! I know he is scared too...his first wife left one ovary that did not work and she was not put on hormones for quite a while, and they divorced within 1 1/2 yrs of her hyst...so I am sure that all the bad memories of hyst are coming back! I WILL prove him wrong LOL! Thanks again...your support has meant the world to me!
  #5  
Unread 04-07-2002, 09:44 AM
Why would a DH be so inconsiderate?

Hi MGM,

Even the most caring person can have those moments. He probably is scared. One little fact that was an eye opener for my husband was the fact that you will have about 100 internal stitches from your hysterectomy, somehow that 100 figure dispels the "few parts" notion. Good luck sweetie! s to you!
  #6  
Unread 04-07-2002, 09:54 AM
Why would a DH be so inconsiderate?

I know the feeling of 'taking everything personally'. My TAH is April 15th and although I am doing better (after PMS last week) it is still un-nerving. I had a long talk with my hubby and I believe he now understands. Now he is the one being stressed out. What really helped was printing out some of the emails off this site and general information from the Home page.

Has your hubby visited the doctor with you? That really helped us. We were able to ask questions and both of us understood what to expect.

Providing information to my hubby and children really helped them understand my emotions. They all admitted they never gave some of it a second thought and now that they realize it is normal they have been very understanding.

Hope this helps. I have posted many, many emails when I was having a bad day. When you are down, give us a holler. We are all in this together.

  #7  
Unread 04-07-2002, 11:13 AM
husbands

MJM:

Jenny is right...he is probably scared. I have found that most men don't do well under emotional pressure...they just aren't wired the right way.

As my surgery date approached, it seemed like all my husband could talk about were his problems and stresses with his job. It really, really irritated me! I tried not to say much about it, because I knew he really was stressed, but every once in a while I would just blow up! I was dealing with losing my female organs, and the possiblity of having ovarian cancer. I also wanted to have sex for the last time, with all my parts...but he was too stressed.

I honestly think they can't help it. They just aren't nurturers (as a general rule).

You are both under a lot of stress right now...just try to relax and maybe he will, too.

You can always vent to us!

Marsha/FL
  #8  
Unread 04-07-2002, 02:16 PM
Why would a DH be so inconsiderate?

MJM, s!!

Your dh may have been trying to give you a pep talk so you wouldn't be so scared. Trying to downplay it to comfort you. He just didn't realize how insensitive it was until it was over.

I suggest you sit him down and get really specific about what you need from him: I need you to listen patiently to me while I prepare for this, I need you to understand that this is major surgery and I am really scared, I need you to hug me and kiss me more often, I need you to take care of me afterwards, I need you to not downplay the seriousness of this surgery, I need you to tell me if you're scared too because that will ease my mind, I need you to tell me that you care about me.

Or whatever you need from him.

I've found with my dh that getting extremely specific is the best way to communicate with him. He is so eager to help me and give me what I need, but he needs concrete info, not vague generalizations.

I also suggest that you tell your dh how much you appreciate it when he does listen, that it means the world to you, that it helps you enormously, that he doesn't have to fix this problem, that just listening and hugging you (or whatever form of comfort you need) is a tremendous gift and reminds you how much he cares about you.

Okay, I'll stop now. Good luck.

Melissa
  #9  
Unread 04-07-2002, 05:04 PM
Why would a DH be so inconsiderate?

All the previous posts have given you good ideas. My doc would have had a personal conversation with my dh if needed. My doc is a male, and although he is wonderful, he knows that men do not really understand this whole deal. Of course it is better if your dh hears concerns from you, but if you need additional support (other than us here), ask your doc to talk to him. Keep in mind that men just do not process things as women do......that does not mean they don't care! Most men deal very well with hard facts and can't process the emotional side. I guess it gets down to that old communication thing! Hang in there, he may come around if he is informed! And let him know that you need him, he is a very important factor in your successful recovery.


  #10  
Unread 04-07-2002, 05:44 PM
Why would a DH be so inconsiderate?

MJM,
I just want to send you and ecouragement.I had a TVH due to Adeno. My sex life was in ruins because of the pain. I even began to hate it and resent DH for his drive. I was so happy when I found out a hysterectomy would remedy my pain and aweful periods. The stress was sooo bad. Once the Dr. explained that everything would be better,DH felt the extra ooomph to persevere. I made it past my 6 week mark and DH and I cautiosly resumed relations and sorry to be so personal, but it was bliss. I was so amazed that there was no pain!! Sex is enjoyable again and I am a NEW woman... much to my husbands pleasure. I know it's soo hard, hang in there because joy awaits you. I wish you the very best in surgery success and I will be praying for you. PLEASE keep us updated on your progress.
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