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Should I Tell My Mother? Should I Tell My Mother?

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Unread 04-18-2002, 05:59 PM
I vote NO


Who needs stress prior to surgery????? I vote,"don't tell her,".
Maybe in a note, sent the day after surgery. Maybe not at all!!

When people suck the life out of you, even your family members, you have to save yourself...especially now that you are hurting.

Your brothers are adults....they will have to fend for themselves. Deal with MOM when you are healthy. Fears and tears don't mix.

My very best to you,
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Unread 04-18-2002, 06:26 PM

Not only do I think that you shouldn't tell your mother but I also think that you should not say to her afterwards that you didn't tell her because you were afraid of how she would react. YOU are the one who needs care and consideration right now not your mom. I would tell her after the surgery (and I mean after enogh that you are up to dealing with her) that YOU didn't need any additional stresses when you were preapring to have major surgery. (Can you tell that I'm not close with my mom either and that I have a major attitude after bleeding almost non-stop for going on three months now!) You need to put your needs and feelings first in this one. Take care.
Unread 04-19-2002, 02:20 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

I am very close to my mother and we have a very loving relationship. I love her very much but I won't be telling her or any members of the family about my surgery. One thing is that we live very far apart (15 hours plane trip single way) and I do not want her to worry. If I can spare her that, I would and considering that hyst. is not life threatening, I feel that she'd be better off not knowing and worrying. If she comes over to look after me, then I'll probably be talking to her all the time and would not be able to recuperate properly. I will be going home and see her end of the year, when I am healthy again. So, after talking to my dh, we decided that nobody needs to know except our bosses (for the medical leave and his working from home after my surgery) and probably a few friends in the office. The last thing I need is my dear mother in law dropping in on me.....max. stress!!! So, my advise is that if you feel better not letting your mum knows, then don't...its time to pamper yourself! Good Luck!
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Unread 04-19-2002, 03:46 AM
Hi, Bonnie--

No one knows your relationships with your family members, and their various reactions, better than you do. I, too, had thought at the beginning that I wouldn't tell my Mother until afterwards. I have a better relationship with my Mother, it sounds like, than you do, but I didn't want her to worry. A friend advised me that I really should tell her and before the surgery. I agree, so I've opted for telling my Mom the day before.

I sure am the "odd man out" here on advising you, but this is just what I've come to. I've thought about calling my brother afterwards (brother and I don't have a very good relationship) and telling him just so he could call Mom and just kind of chat, leaving it open to her to talk if she needs to.

Maybe you could take one of your brothers with you and just tell her the day or so before, and don't feel you need to go into a lot of discussion with her. Something like, "My TRUSTED doctor and I have agreed I need this surgery", etc., etc., visit for a minute, then leave. You will have done your "duty".

I do agree with the other ladies, you need to take care of yourself and sometimes emotional baggage is THE hardest part of stuff. Whatever you decide, protect yourself, if you can!!!

I understand and sympathize with your situation. I wish you the very best, Bonnie. No one needs anyone giving them grief on top of their surgery!!!
Unread 04-19-2002, 03:56 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

Hi Bonnie,

I'm not close to my mother, in fact most of my problems could have been avoided, not the hyster though, if she had told me about her medical history. I told her when I found out and she was predicatable in her answer. Every family is different. If you really feel that you shouldn't tell her, then don't. No one has to know everything. The reaction you have told us she would have, does seem to be something to prevent you from telling her. Are you absolutely sure she would react that way? In the long run, it will probably be better on you and your stress level, keeping it from her.

and strength for your decision!

Unread 04-19-2002, 05:42 AM
telling mother?

Donduck, I have a mom who sounds a lot like your. She is so crazy about certain things. She can drive me nuts. We have a close/not so close relationship. She cuts me off all the time for things I say, etc. I have been of the thought that I am going to treat her how I would want her to treat me, like a complete stranger, with respect. Funny how families don't treat you as well as complete strangers some times.

I would tell her. I would probably wait till the night before, call and say something like, "I am doing this and it is already decided. It is not open for discussion but I wanted you to know." If your mom is like my mom, not telling her would give her ammo against me for quite some time. She would definately use it against me with other family. How I was so mean I didn't tell her etc. The whole martyr thing. If you tell her, without giving her an option to discuss, she may get a little huffy but not near as mad as not telling her.
Unread 04-19-2002, 07:14 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

Thanks again to all of you who have responded! Every one of you have had valid points.

Catherine, I sympathize with you. My mother does not like when someone is getting more attention than she is. Wouldn't it be nice if we could trade places with someone else right now? The only thing I'm really looking forward to about this whole thing is the 6 weeks off! I can't wait to get in some reading and watching movies to my heart's content!

Maralyn, you are right about the "sucking the life out" of you. Sometimes I think (after reading Dr. Christiane Northrup's "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom") that years of anger and frustration between my mother and me have settled down, deep down, because how much deeper can something go besides the uterus and ovaries, the very beginning of life? My body just couldn't take any more. I'm looking at the removal of my uterus and ovary as a sort of spring cleaning, removing bad energy out of me. Might sound nutty, but it's a possibility. And I like that you said "fears and tears don't mix." You're right. Thanks!

Kathy, thank you for making me feel I'm not being selfish. It's hard having a bad relationship with one's mother, and it pains me to know so many of us are out there. It looks like your surgery will be a few days after mine. All the best to an easy surgery and speedy recovery.

Hongwah, how nice you have a good relationship with your mother. In spite of that good relationship, you seem to have good reasons why you're not telling her, and I must say your response was quite refreshing. Thank you! And I must say, it is so cool being able to talk to people from all over! What part of England are you from? I've been to the London and Cambridge areas before, and loved every minute! Good luck to you, too!

Jeannie, you're right about the emotional baggage part! And I have thought about taking a brother with me and telling her, but I sort of feel like a jerk for opening a can of worms and leaving him to clean the mess, so to speak. This particular brother can deal with her the best, but it seems like he's always having to do it. Poor guy. I agree with all of you that I need to do what's best for me. This is my trauma, and perhaps I'm expending too much energy worrying about everyone else. Maybe that's a way to keep my mind from screaming into the middle of the night. I don't know. Sometimes I'm calm about this and the rest of the time I'm mush. Just like everyone else. You will be in my prayers, and good luck with your quickly upcoming surgery. Or is it not quick enough? Or both?! Good luck to you, and hope to read your comments on the Post-Op board!

Sara, you're right it would be easier on my stress level not to tell her. Sometimes, though, I think it's the chicken's way out, but definitely easier! No, I'm not absolutely positive about what her reaction would be, which is also part of the problem. One NEVER knows what to expect from her, but since I have never, ever had any support from her in the past, I can't for the life of me imagine this would be the first time. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer a few years back, when he told her, she treated him terribly, like he did that on purpose. Maybe it goes back to where she thought more people would be paying attention to him, I don't know. So . . .

Kelly, you don't know how many tears I've shed over the years by your very words, "Sometimes strangers treat you better than family." I've thought back to so many times in my life where if it weren't for the "strangers" in my life, I'd have had nothing at all. And as for the ammo, everything and nothing is ammo. My mother has a sister she doesn't acknowledge having. Any chance your mom and my mom are related? Thank you for your kind words.

I love all of you!! You've been very helpful and supportive. I never knew how wonderful it could be having sisters. You're all great! Thanks again from the bottom of my heart!
Unread 04-19-2002, 09:20 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

Bonnie, this is your time, its about you not about your mom,
I think you should do what you are comfortable with and let the rest of your siblyings worry about your mom if someone has to worry about her. My mom was in a nursing home ( but mentally sharp and aware) I went to see her 10 days after my surgury
and she didn't even ask me how I felt, just said something like
" where have you been, I thought you'd be to see me sooner, you were only in the hospital 2 nites weren't you"
Take care of yourself and do not put any additional emotional
issues on yourself. So what if she gets mad if she finds out later that you didn't tell her ahead of time, she'll get over it. Remember
this is about YOU.
Unread 04-19-2002, 10:04 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

Thank you, Nancy. It's seems most of you are in agreement over this. From what you said, I'm beginning to think my mother has more relatives out there I don't know about than I thought. I feel your pain. I don't know how you feel, but I still keep hoping (even though I know better) Mom will say finally say something nice! Inside this almost 50-year-old body is still a 5-year-old little girl looking for approval from Mom, sometimes. It will probably never happen, but I'll probably never stop hoping. I probably won't tell her, and it's so nice to know that the majority of you don't feel that is a selfish thing to do. "Talking" with all the Hyster Sisters has been one of the best things that ever happened to me, and in one way, I can be thankful for this less than perfect time in my life, because it has shown me we're all more connected than we sometimes think. God Bless you all!

Unread 04-19-2002, 10:13 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

I agree with Archide, however if you want you could give your mom another chance to "talk" about it. If she says she doesn't want to talk about anything with what's going on with you like she did when you tried to tell her about your dr. visits then I wouldn't feel guilty for not telling her until after surgery and you are recovered. You don't even have to mention it to her at all unless there is a need to. If she calls and finds out you are in the hospital she can be shocked or at least be told that you didn't want to worry her and you are recovering from surgery. It's not like you didn't give her the chance to discuss what is going on with you. How has she handled other issues in the past such as if anyone had to go in to the hospital or was involved in an accident or something? Was she supportive then? I wouldn't want the added stress if you think she may try to talk you out of it. Besides if you are going to feel better about it why would she want to see you suffer? Because of my age I didn't discuss this with to many people not related to me. One person that I told when I was about three months post op, couldn't believe I had had a hysterectomy and I told her it was the best thing I did. I guess it made her feel better because she said that she may have to have one someday.

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