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explaining to friends explaining to friends

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Unread 04-20-2002, 05:12 PM
explaining to friends

Hello...I hope someone can help me. I am having a hard time explaining to my best friend why I feel that it is important to me to have this done (tah). Every time I talk to her about it she says i will feel worse when I realize that I can no longer have children. I have one daughter, she is five and I am happy. I won't lie and say that I didn't want more, but this is what me and my husband agreed on many years ago. She keeps saying what a joy a big family is and I am making a mistake. It bothers me that after 12 years of friendship I can't make her understand. She says I am a hypocondriac. I know that I am not, but now I am second guessing my decision. The only way for me to have more children anyway is to get rid of some of my problems and find a new husband..which i must all is out of the question.

I guess i am just wondering if any of you ladies have had this expereince and how did you handle it?

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Unread 04-20-2002, 05:38 PM
explaining to friends

Hi, Andee,

Explaining to friends, relatives, and acquaintances why you need a hysterectomy can be tough. Many times, people just don't understand. They usually do have an opinion, though.

I didn't feel that it was necessary to justify why I was having a hyst. I'd seen three doctors, had lots of tests done, taken medications and had surgeries, and it was time for a hysterectomy. When I learned that most people who learned about my upcoming surgery had strong opinions about it, wanted to second-guess my doctors, and didn't understand, I decided to limit the number of people I told. Most people just didn't need to know the details of my gynecological problems.

I told my acquaintances that I was having surgery. If they asked what kind of surgery, I often just said, "It's personal. I'd prefer not to discuss it."

For people who are close to me, I'd say that I was having a hyst. When they started offering opinions, etc. I'd just say that I had confidence in my doctor and my decision, and didn't want to talk about it anymore.

You don't need your friend's permission to have a hysterectomy. You're an adult, and I'm assuming that you have discussed your decision with your doctor, and her opinion isn't going to change your mind. In my experience, it's hard to change someone else's mind. She doesn't need a hysterectomy, and you do. How about just changing the subject?

Good luck with your surgery, and with your friend.

Best wishes,
Unread 04-20-2002, 05:43 PM
explaining to friends

Oh please! I have yet to read in this site anyone that is jumping up and down to have major surgery. I'm sorry she isn't supporting you. Do you suppose she's never been around anyone that has had this kind of surgery and is mis-informed?Have her read some of our posts or better yet the pull downs. Look at it this way, you have just found a bunch of new friends. Sisters to be exact. 's Karlene
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Unread 04-20-2002, 05:49 PM
Hey Andee

I am sorry to hear about your friend, and it is a let down. But, do not let her put you on a guilt trip. I have one child, 13 year old daughter, four years ago I had a Lap and I asked the DR to tie my tubes as well. I was told the same thing from friends and relatives, you will regret it, you will change your mind. Four years later, I am still waiting to REGRET it. I am also going thru the same thing with "Experts" and horror stories about my up and coming TAH. Like you, I also wanted more children, however, I was eclamptic and almost died. And a couple of years after, was diagnosed with Hypertenstion. Plus, in this day and age, we don't have the same financial stability that our parents had.

But, without, knowing your situation too much, I know that thru events in our lives, you will have people envious of you and try to say things to keep you further down. I know that sounds crazy, but think about it, you will be in the Castle, others will dote on you. Whether, that is the case or not, it will seem that way from the outside looking in. Do you know what I mean?

Another thing, unfortunately, others choose a certain lifestyle (no children, big families, etc, etc,) and expect others to feel happy doing the same thing. But, we are all different, and I thank the Lord for that or else we would have a boring world. I hope that I am explaining clearly. In other words, your friend, is happy having a big family, and she cannot understand why you don't want the same.

I hope this helps, e-mail me it you want to talk!!!

Take Care and God Bless

Unread 04-20-2002, 06:00 PM
explaining to friends

Hi Andee, Your friend needs to accept your decision without trying to make comparisons to her life. I only have one child and that is all I wanted. A large family is great if that is what you choose. I am finding more and more each day, that my decision was the right one. My daughter is 17 and sending me closer and closer to the poor house everyday! How does she know how you will feel? Some women choose not to have children at all and others only want one or two. We are all individuals with different wants. She should really lay off and let you decide what is best for you. Tell her you appreciate her concern, but having this surgery is what you want.
Good luck!
Unread 04-20-2002, 06:10 PM

I have to be blount here. If she is truly your friend, she should support you in what YOU and your Dr. think you need. I had a similar situation with my mother in law. She thought it was a mistake, but I know why. I mean, My tubes were tied over a year ago, so I knew I wasnt going to have anymore children, but she was jealous of the attention she thought I MIGHT get if I had the surgery. which of course, takes some of the attention off her. I am 3 weeks post and KNOW that it was a wise decision for me, no matter what anyone else thought. You are the one that deals with the monthly problems, and for some people, like me, the daily problems that my ovaries and fibroid tumors were causing me. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER, not immediately, but soon. Tell her that if she is truly your friend, she will support your decision about your body. Good luck, Leeanne
Unread 04-20-2002, 07:00 PM
explaining to friends

Andee- It's a quality of life issue. Is she experiencing the pain and trouble you are going through. It's not like you woke up one morning out of the blue and said," geez, I think I'll have my uterus removed. Better call the dr.!" You need her to be by your side right now , not her opinion. You don't have to make her understand. Maybe this is too hot of a topic for you 2 to discuss. I'm sure that she is trying to do and say what she thinks is best for you. She doesn't want you to have any regrets. You have to do what's right for YOU. We are here to support you whatever your decision is. If you have any questions, please ask.
Unread 05-05-2002, 03:34 PM
explaining to friends

Dear Andee--

I'm going through the same thing with one of my friends. Her dad is a homeopathic doctor and she is sure he can heal me completely. A few years ago they talked me into giving this method a try for a while to see if it worked. Well, I got my hopes up, it didn't work, and I was in the same pain as always, but not only that, I had to deal with the acceptance of the loss again. I gave it a year. Now they're saying that isn't long enough. Friends can really put on a lot of pressure. I have my TAH in a month and they are still sure that I am making the biggest mistake of my life. It's almost like they're taking it personally, like I don't trust them or that I think he's a hoax, and I've offended him by having this surgery. I think for me what it comes down to is that it's my body, that it is the right thing for me to do, and to be perfectly honest, it's none of their business. I didn't tell them that, but I did tell them that I've made a decision, I feel peace with that decision, and that really, it's not open for discussion. Then I keep trying to be nice, but not bring up the topic.
Unread 05-05-2002, 03:55 PM
explaining to friends


I'm sorry you are having difficulty with friend of 12 years. I have the advantage of being older and having had all the chidlren I want. I'm looking forward to grandchildren now.

If this is something you need, your friend should be supporting you and be happy that your health will improve!!!!!!! That is the most important of anything. I'm looking forward to happy days and a healthy, long life. Be happy for yourself that you have a beautiful daughter and your husband is there to help you. I wish you health and success.

you are in my prayers.
Unread 05-06-2002, 07:00 AM

Hi andee!

I know how you feel. I have been going through the same thing with my sister. She also has severe Endo but is so afraid of surgery she won't do it. She keeps telling me to look at her, she has suffered all of these years and hasn't had to have surgery. I don't think she was listening to herself, she has suffered. She lives on the sofa and does nothing. This is not the life that I choose to take. I believe that I need to take care of me. I am not willing to just lay around and suffer. I finally told her that this was my final decision and she could either respect it or we don't need to discuss it any more. It is hard because my sister is my best friend and I really wanted her support. But I don't need her to bring me down and give me second thoughts. All of the rest of my friends and family have been very suportive so far. Thank the Lord for that! I hope that she will eventually see that this is truly what you need to do. It is hard when someone so important to you can't understand. I wish you well.

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