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Family/Doctor conflict. Can't believe this! Family/Doctor conflict. Can't believe this!

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Unread 04-24-2002, 12:06 AM
Family/Doctor conflict. Can't believe this!

Ok, I absolutely refuse to believe this is happening to me.

Long short as I can make it.

7 years ago, my sister got mad at her first visit with a new doctor because he addressed her being overwieght. She was pregnant and he wanted to discuss this with her to regulate her weight gain. It was a valid topic to discuss. I too discussed the same with MY doctor when *I* was preggers. She never went back. A month later when she realized her husband was unhappy that she switched docs and the insurance would not cover the new one, she started saying that the doctor has "groped her breast" when the nurse left the room. *Her story suddenly changed.* Everyone told her to report him, but she flatly refused. When approached about it over the years, she had trouble remembering all of her little white lies and couldn't make up the same story twice. I may seem indifferent to a possible real incident, but I seriously do not believe it ever happened. End of chapter one.

Fast forward to this past weekend.

She found out that I was having a hysterectomy. We were at a birthday party, surrounded by family, etc...and she started spouting off reasons that I shouldn't have it. Basically downplaying my problems and comparing them to her allergies for which she takes a benedryl once a month. GRRRRR Are you getting the picture of her personality? She's a "stirrer of trouble" and must always be the center of attention. We gerenally dote on her because she's very insecure but I'd had my fill. Right there in front of everyone she says that I should be ashamed of myself because my gynocologist is the one she fabricated the story about all those years ago. She said I was letting a freak operate on me. I BLEW MY STACK! It wasn't pretty and my hormones being screwy just fired into her.

Why is he my current doc?
My regular gyno wasn't on call when I went ot the ER which resulted in a D&C. This doctor was, and I was very pleased with his performance. I have stayed with him and seen NOTHING to indicate that he is anything but a perfect gentleman.

SO....since Friday, my dear sis has been spouting her garbage about my doctor to everyone she can find. This is a fairly small town (30K people) and she got lucky and said this in the presence of, you guessed it, his WIFE. Well, apparently this got back to him. SURPRISE!, I go into the office to make my surgery appointment, and he tells me that he knows about my sisters thoughts. AND her ridiculous accusations. HE told me that he feels that it would be improper for him to be my primary care physician and cause a rift within a family. He offered to refer me to my previous doc, who I aboslutely adore as well, and also to assist in the surgery.

He feels that when he treats a patient, he is treating the family she depends on as well. He thinks it's in my best interest to be my secondary as to still keep him in the loop *he would not charge me any fees he said* and still maintain a less stressful situation regarding my healing.

I can totally respect his thoughts, as his demeanor is very kind and considerate. That he offered to assist shows me that he isn't just trying to "pawn me off." I have to respect that. I told him I realized what she was doing was slander in a legal sense and that I would not hold him in any bad light if he was choosing to defend himself. I would as well, to be honest.

I just CANNOT believe that my sister has undermined me to this point because of her insecurity. To make matters worse, my other family members think that she's done nothing wrong. How on EARTH do I let them see that she has played a serious role in my no whaving to switch doctors at a pivotal moment???

I am SO ANGRY and SO hurt. I'm actually angry with them both, but at least I understand his position...HERS??? Well...GRRRRRR!!

Thank god for my DH who has been really great. He came home from work and just sat with me whil eI cried. HE told me that I should just focus on moving forward. Go to my other doc next week and move on from there. Not to get sidetracked and to focus on getting well. I know he's right, but I'm SO SCARED that my other doc will say I don't need the surgery and just put me back on another round of hormones...which didn't work. I'm so afraid to start the process all over again. It's so draining and I just don't know how to handle this. How to "convince" my old *now new again* doc that I need this? How do I guarantee that he doesn't want to put me through hell all over again?

I'm so mad, confused and depressed right now that I don't know what to do!!!

The DH said, "Go to your HysterSisters. they can give you better words than I can." How wonderful is he??? He did all he could and then even booted the puter and pulled up the website, so I could vent to a group that understands.

So here I am....
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Unread 04-24-2002, 01:12 AM
Family/Doctor conflict. Can't believe this!

Hi Joby,

First, I'll start by saying your hubby sounds like a wonderful man! It's so great that he's so supportive, and it was sweet of him to direct you here to your Hyster Sisters!

I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on with your doctor and your sister; what an unfortunate situation! It's really cool that your doctor has agreed to assist (for free, no less) in your surgery, and like you, I can understand his not wanting to be your primary surgeon under the circumstances. It's really such a shame and I can imagine how upsetting it must be for you.

As for returning to your "old" doctor and your concerns about whether he'll want to proceed with the hysterectomy, please try to relax until you talk to him. I understand your concerns that he might not want to do it, but until you talk to him about it you won't know... I would thing that, given your problems and given the fact that the other doctor was about to schedule you for the surgery, etc., he will probably agree...? When will you be seeing him?

I wish I had some good advice about how to handle things with your sister. Do you think it would do any good to have a heart to heart with her and tell her that HER problems (real or not) with the doctor have nothing to do with you, and to ask that she PLEASE STOP badmouthing him all around town? Perhaps alerting her that she could be risking legal consequences by slandering the doctor might quiet her down?

Please keep us posted on how thing so when you see the other doctor, okay? I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you, but I'm sure other Sisters will come along with some wisdom!

Meanwhile, a big for you!
Unread 04-24-2002, 04:14 AM
Family/Doctor conflict. Can't believe this!

Hi Joby, I'm so sorry this has happened to you girl!

I would suggest sitting down with your sister and maybe your hubby as well and talking about the situation. You are lucky to have him supporting you!

Everything will work out I'm sure, it usually does!

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Unread 04-24-2002, 04:35 AM
Family/Doctor conflict. Can't believe this!


Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry about your predicament!

Please try not to worry; take one thing at a time and put all your focus on *you*, your condition, your health. Unfortunately, we have no control over the actions of others and all we can do is keep ours in check.

Hang in there; I know you'll be discussing surgery with your new/old DR~calmly express what you are feeling.

Make this all about you, hon' .

Please do let us know how things progress for you; we will be here for you every step of the way.

Love N Hugs,
Unread 04-24-2002, 03:17 PM
Throw away

Oh Joby,

I am sorry about your predicament. I have some cousin's that would do the same thing. Unfortunately, people like that have to put others down in order to lift themselves up. I know that she is your sister but you have to worry about you and your immediate family. The subject throw away, in this analogy is: When you take a bowl of uncooked rice and go thru it, you find the bad ones and throw it away. Naturally, you have a healthier dish when you do that. It also works that way for people. It took me years to come to that conclusion with family and also with people. I haven't seen my cousins in two years, sounds cold, maybe, but on the other hand, when we did talk, they only called when they needed $omething. Now, my blood pressure isn't so high anymore, and I am able to take better care of myself and my immediate family.

Anyway, Take Care and God Bless!!!
Unread 04-24-2002, 07:01 PM
Family/Doctor conflict. Can't believe this!


That is messed up. We all have people in our lives that present us with challenges from time to time but this one is a doozie.

I agree with the suggestion of sitting down and talking to your sister with your hubbie as a moderator if needed. Let her know that you understand that she does not care for the doctor, but her public display of a private matter has cost you a great deal. She cost you the peace of mind of having a doctor that you love and trust. But, more importantly, she cost you the comfort of knowing that your sister is there to support you no matter what.

If this does not work then may I suggest limiting your contact with your sister so that you can concentrate on getting through the roller coster that we are all on with your sanity in tact. Surround yourself with those who love and support you.

Take care!
Unread 04-24-2002, 09:22 PM

Y'all have no idea what a calming difference these posts made to my sense of well being the last 24 hours plus! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I was able to talk to my old/new again doc this afternoon (the ones I am switching to). He knows me, remembers me, and given that he actually has a bit more experience with some aspects of my situation, he is happy that I am under his care. He also has no problem with my other doctor assisting in the surgery, so i'm getting the best of both worlds.

Thanks to a very compassionate conversation initiated by my current doc (the one I'm leaving) they came to the conclusion that I indeed do need the hysterectomy. There will not be any jumping through hoops and round after round of needles again. Let's just hope that his word sitcks and his diagnosis doesn't change!!!

Following good advice that words should be spoken with my sister, I did the best I could handle at the moment and I hope for the best. I called my father and talked to him. I'm a Daddy's girl. He is sympathetic to my views and completely understands. As I'm an emotional wreck, he has offered to run interference for me and (for lack of a better phrase) put my sister in the right frame of mind on how her behavior should be from this point. She's 36, but even some grown women need a parent to fuss at them! I know I probably do sometimes as well. He assured me that all is ok, and that my sister would be biting her tongue when she felt like criticizing me over the next few months. I know she lvoes me....and I am tryign to be forgiving since the situation panned out just fine. It's not easy, but I'm TRYING!!!

Right now I'm just appreciating the love of my husband and father and doing what I know I need to do. GET BETTER!

So much trauma in such a short period of time. I'm exhausted! Thanks you all again so much just for understanding how traumatic this all is. INVALUABLE!!!

Unread 04-24-2002, 10:20 PM
Family/Doctor conflict. Can't believe this!

Hi Jody,

I am so happy for you that your old, now newly present doctor will operate. So you don't have to worry about that. Sounds like your sister is deeply hurting and striking out at you and the anyone who threatens her. Don't be surprised if intervention does not work. You may need to get your distance from her until you are well again. Stress and pain, tears and fears don't mix.
I don't know why our families, people who are suppose to be there for us, behave in such a manner...but do realize she has a mountain of hurt and it probably has nothing to do with you.
And you...have this wonderful hubby and are getting a surgery with the promise of a healthy new life...a second chance. You sound like a really giving, wonderful person and I'm happy for you.
Best regards,

Unread 04-25-2002, 05:15 AM
Family/Doctor conflict. Can't believe this!

I was feeling so bad for you when I read your first post, but after reading your second post I can see how much your DH and DD has helped you, as well as your sisters here.

Please remember that the most important thing in this situation is you and your health. So often families interfer where they shouldn't sometimes out of love, sometimes out of jealousy, and sometimes out of pure meaness. I think down deep inside, they mean well. I've learned over the years not to take so much to heart.

Remember, taking care of ONESELF is not SELF-INDULGENCE, but SELF-PRESERVATION.
Take care and let us know how you're doing.

Unread 04-25-2002, 06:10 AM
God's Hand

Hello Joby,

I am really happy for you that things worked out well. Especially, about the old/new DR. situation. In fact, in reading it, I saw God's Hand. You know the saying about God working all things together for the good. Wow, that is exactly what I am seeing!!!


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