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I have no purpose in life.... I have no purpose in life....

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Unread 04-25-2002, 12:42 PM
I have no purpose in life....

Hi Ladies,

I feel I have no where else to turn but to my wonderful "systers" as I feel "I HAVE NO PURPOSE IN LIFE". I read the messages everday, but am mostly a "lurker". I do on occasion have the opportunity to talk to some of the ladies on IM, but other than that, I just sit back and read. And yes, I can relate to a lot that's going on with you ladies. So 's to ALL of you.

I really don't know where to start this, so I'll give you a brief story.

I had my hyster in Sept. only to develop a VVF (Vesicovaginal Fistula). Had first bladder repair surgery in Oct only for it to fail. I had the second one in Dec and YAY?!?!? it worked. Now mind you, 3 surgeries in less than 4 months. Had a Foley cath in for 8 weeks and 6 days. I'm sure some of you remember me.

Here's what's going on now:

I just found out I have a rectocele. Have also been having a lot of sharp pains in abdomen and some in the vagina area. And yes, the dreaded "Adhesion" monster has returned. I am being seen by a Pain Specialist.

My husband left me in February because he needed to get on with his life. We have been talking over the miles (he's back East and me here in the West), and I was getting my hopes built up that he would return to Las Vegas so we could work on our marriage and was just told last night that he doesn't want to be married to me any longer. We have been married for about 4 1/2 years. I am so hurt, crushed, depressed, and you name it! I love him a lot and can't just get over him. He is a good man, but for the most part he is just a bit "out there". We have different opinions on a lot of things and maybe it's a good thing to be free of him. I dunno. Just call me crazy.

Yes, I do have a 25 yo son. Yes, I do have my parents (mom is recovering from lung cancer surgery and chemo). Yes, I do have 3 brothers (no close relationship though). Yes, I do have my 4 "fur babies".

I am so depressed and cannot for the life of me pull myself up and get on with my life. I feel as though -- I DON'T WANT TO EXIST any more. No ladies, do not take this the wrong way. I am not suicidal in any way...just have that feeling of not wanting to exist.

I am on the V-Dot 1 mg, Celexa (for depression...seems not to be helping), Synthroid (have been for years), and BP meds.

I have not worked since Aug 31 of last year and cannot for the life of me get off my A** and get a job. I cannot work on my feet all day so I need a job where I can sit and get up when needed. So, without me working (living on unemployment), I have no insurance and cannot afford to go to a doctor to get these problems fixed.

Sitting here typing this, I'm wondering why I am doing it. I guess I just needed to "SEE" my life on the screen and try to sort it out. As I said, "I HAVE NO PURPOSE IN LIFE".

Yes, I have posted this on the Aching Hearts forum, but now I need to find out from all that's been in any of my situations how you handled any of it. As for the rectocele, it's not BAD but I know it's there. Is it a painful surgery? How will I know if/when it's time to get it fixed? How long of a recovery for it? The adhesions I know about...been there done that and probably will for the rest of my life. (SMILE)

So ladies, my next question....WHAT TO DO?????

Any advice or 's greatly needed and appreciated. Thanks for listening.

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Unread 04-25-2002, 12:47 PM
Don't take this the wrong way...

But I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. I AM seeing a therapist who's schooled in dealing with chronic pain patients (sick people) - it DOES help. In many ways. They don't just talk to you...they help you sort things out including what kind of surgery/medication you need to be on and which ones may be hurting your state of mind/situation.

I know you said you can't afford it, but I couldn't either. This is where persistance comes in. There are clinics who won't charge you a dime. Mine doesn't.

You hang in there. Life will get better. This too shall pass. I promise. You will be able to look at life differently.

You might want to start with calling some hotlines they can offer you help and usually know where to start (the clinics that don't require money). If you're not up for that...the emergency room is another.

your doctor...they might be able to find you some help.

do NOT fight this alone. You've had way too many blows to deal with this alone....
Unread 04-25-2002, 02:07 PM
I have no purpose in life....

i haven't had the physical problems but felt compelled to reply to you. i think most of us have times in our lives where everything is just awful. i had a time about 10 yrs ago where my whole life, as i knew it, fell apart. my marriage broke up, my mother was dying of breast cancer, i had (have) 3 young kids and had never worked. i just wanted to let you know that i believe things happen for a reason....i am not a religious person but i do believe in god, and i don't believe we get any more than we can handle. obviously there is a bigger plan for you or you wouldn't have made it off the operating table. when one door closes, another opens. i was never suicidal either but i couldn't help but wonder "what's the use?". adrite gave you some good suggestions...follow them.
today, except for what i would now consider some minor health problems...i lead a truely dream life. i am married to a wonderful man, we live in a beautiful area, my kids are for the most part all grown up, and everyday is beautiful. i would not in my wildest dreams have believed i would be where i am in life, 10 yrs ago. hang in there and remember EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS TEMPORARY!!! love, cynthia
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Unread 04-25-2002, 04:38 PM
I have no purpose in life....

I'm sorry you are having so many problems all at once. Anyone would be feeling overwhelmed. I agree with the others that you should find some help and support while you meet the challenges ahead.

About rectocele repair:

My rectocele got bad enough that I could not completely control it if my bowels decided it was time to move. I have a bit of IBS so, it could happen quite suddenly sometimes. I'd say it was time to fix it, eh? At the birth of my last child 17 years ago, the dr. simply said "when it is time to fix the problem (didn't give it a name), you will know." It got this bad right before the cyst was found, so I was able to have them both fixed at the same time.

Despite all the caution in the world and following the drs orders completely, the rectocele repair has not held as well as I hoped, but things are a great deal better than they were. I think that is why you would not want to fix it until it got "bad enough". Also, you can run out of tissue down there, so, to repeatedly repair it would not work very well.. However, I don't think you need to wait until it acts like mine did. (some of it was due to the pressure from the cyst, I'm sure, because it got much worse quite quickly).

Keep us up-to-date on how you are doing. We care alot.
Unread 04-25-2002, 08:44 PM
I have no purpose in life....

Hey DarMar....

I've missed you in chat....I'm so sorry that things have been going so rough for you....(((((((((Dar))))))))))))).

I'll be thinking and praying for you...and if you get a chance, stop by in the chat room and we'll hand out lots of hugs and brownies!! Just remember that you have a big family here who care about you!!!!


Unread 04-26-2002, 06:05 AM
You do have a purpose!

I'm so sorry you are being hit from every angle. I too have experienced "similar" circumstances and agree with Adrite on how to approach helping yourself, which you must do. My difficulites started about 8 years ago when my DS was diagnosed with hydrocephalus, and had brain surgery at 11 mos., then I had a difficult pregnancy(pre-term labor, had to be on meds. to stop it), then DD was born and I almost bled to death. Then DD was 3 mos. old when we found out our DS had cancer(he was 2 and 1/2). During the last month of my DS's chemo my thenDH said "I don't love you anymore", so on to counseling for the marriage during DS's chemo treatments! I was a disaster in every way. I lost so much weight I was almost anorexic, felt terrible about myself and felt I had no purpose for a time. BUT, I did see a therapist as the marriage turned to divorce(my ex was out of the house around the time my DD was one.) and boy did that help! Oh, I also had lyme disease during this which made me REALLY ill. So, though it may not be exactly the same, I can relate to you. You are in my prayers....please do this for yourself, as YOU matter! Believe it or not, all of these terrible things happened, and I'm not bitter as I feel they happened somehow for a reason. I met a wonderfule man who showed me what TRUE love, trust and caring are all about which is something I never would have gotten to experience, as all I knew was what my ex and I had since 18 yrs. old. Oh, I forgot to mention that after we were married(my ex and I) for just 3 mos., he came home from a weekend away and said he had met someone and that he thought he might be in love with her, but he might have to date her to really find out, WHAT? Anyway, the long and short of it is, there is help out there...time does help...it will get better and I truly feel for you and will say an extra prayer for you...REACH OUT just like you did here. Consider this your mission...when the going gets tough you go girl! Love to you....Tickles
Unread 04-27-2002, 08:57 AM
I have no purpose in life....

Hi DarMar, well, I guess my reply is going to be a little different from the norm, but the way I see it.....

You got rid of one big pain in the a** now you need to figure out a way to get rid of the other one....and you can figure that out....because you didn't get this far in life without a survival instinct....that you need to kick in overdrive right now....

The way I see it is if the guy walks out on you in a very dark time, which lets face it....you must be having a horrible time if your mom is recovering from cancer surgery and you are dealing with the recovery issues....and nightmares......well if he left....I say good riddance....he probably did you a favor that you will come to see, just not today or tomorrow.....but take it from one who believes that when we are down, there is nothing worse on earth than to be around a person who brings us down more....

In my case, I am in a 28 year marriage....that is not perfect, but is better than most...however, there are times that I feel because of the issues I am dealing with....that our marriage could be much better.....my husband does not always give me the support and understanding that I need...and I have learned to cope on my own...but, I have also had times where I feel he is a big dragger down for me in my recovery , and at times I wish I didn't have to deal with trying to keep a man happy in all the traditional ways known to us for generations...while trying to deal with a hyst gone bad.....it would be simpler for me at times if I could just be by myself and not have to worry ..."is he getting enough sex? is he getting enough attention? is he disappointed because I can't fix him gourmet meals? does he think I am a b**** most of the time? is he going to be mad if I have to quit my job because of my pain? the list goes on and on....I am of the generation that worry about those things....it is ingrained in my psyche.....

I realize you love this man, and you feel deserted, but honestly, you said it yourself, you may be better off......so something tells me that there is a small piece of you that really feels that way.....

and as for "a purpose in life"......of course you have a purpose in life...you weren't put here to be the companion of the pigeon that flew the coop......you were put here for people that want and need you in their life.....such as your family....even when we don't always see eye to eye with them.....it is no accident that you share a bloodline with them....your mom needs you...that goes without saying.....your son, ....you are his "mom"...you gave him life, you gave him purpose......I dare say without knowing you, at some point in your life, you touched someone elses life in ways that you may not ever know.... I used to say...."what is the meaning of life?".....and then it dawned on me...when I once read that the meaning of life is not important,,,,only that we have "meaning in our life"......and it all became clear....I have done things in my life that have counted for something, and by gosh, as God is my witness.....no mortal man will ever make me wonder if my life was meaningful.....

So I say to you, get up, dust yourself off, look at your resources, they may look small or none at all....but start a campaign to get your health taken care of....whether that means asking for help from government sources or looking into a job opportunity that will allow you to get some insurance....try to start on that path....that is your purpose now.....take care of YOU! let us know how you are...we care...........bj
Unread 04-27-2002, 09:17 AM
Life is a little better now...

Hi again Ladies.

I just want to say thanks to all and 's as well.

Good news...it feels as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I found out yesterday that this "thing" I'm married to is with someone else. But get this...the couple he was staying with, well needless to say are not a couple no longer as the "thing" is involved with the wife of the couple!!! EEEK!!! I did talk to the husband and man, does he hurt so bad. Guess I would too if it was there in front of me. I heard that this may have been going on for a couple of years? Don't forget, the "thing" was a truck driver and had been back that way many, many times. Ahhh, there is no doubt in my mind now that I am NOT married. I informed him that if he wants a divorce that he will have to file and pay for it. I am so done with him. No more tears will fall from these eyes for him. Yuppers!!! All done...so now I will concentrate on me and getting well.

Life is better now...and thanks for all the advice which I will still follow. Yes, I will contact my doctor about upping/changing my anti-depressant med...and YES, I will hit the pavement hard next week and will come home with a job. :

Muchos Gracias SYSTERS!!! Ya'll are wonderful.
Unread 04-27-2002, 11:52 AM
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!

Good for you!!!!!!! That's the way to attack it...he did you a favor just like my ex did me one. You stay stong , get better and you GO! Tickles
Unread 04-27-2002, 02:29 PM
I have no purpose in life....

I'm so glad things have improved for you Please keep us posted on how your doing.....

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