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I'm scared -- need to vent I'm scared -- need to vent

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Unread 04-26-2002, 06:32 AM
I'm scared -- need to vent

Hi ladies--

Well, it's me again. I feel like a broken record, but I am so scared about the Doxil chemo next week. I called the Chemo Dept here at the hospital and talked to a chemo nurse about the Doxil -- she reassured me that it is not worse than carboplatin/Taxol and the only real major side effect is a lowering of the white cell count and some fatigue. I am just so frightened of having IV chemo again. My shrink asked me why I was so frightened and I told him that I felt like it meant that I was one foot closer to the grave (sorry to be such a downer). He advised me to think that it would help me to be further away from death, so I am trying to think that. I am also trying to think that there is a reason for all of this, but I am also sort of angry at my oncologist -- if my CA-125 kept going up, why did he keep me on the oral stuff if it wasn't working? I just keep having all of these jumbled-up thoughts and overall, I'm just upset about having this recurrence and going through this rigamarole again. I am going to be seeing my shrink on Monday (the day before the chemo) so I am looking forward to that. I'm so thankful for this website and for the wonderful women here -- you have been more helpful than you will ever know. I thank the Lord for you everyday.

Love always,

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Unread 04-26-2002, 07:02 AM
I'm scared -- need to vent


Oh hon! Please, please don't feel bad for feeling this way. I think I would have been just as frustrated and scared as you regarding the oral chemo and the results that weren't changing.

I'm glad you'll be seeing your therapist before beginning this new round. I know you don't want to do this but this IS going to work!

We'll all be here for you rooting you on and sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts. Visualize that little Pac Man guy, he's gonna eat up all those nasty little cells and get you back on the road to good health.

Take that anger and direct it AT the cancer and the chemo, it WILL work, it WILL get rid of those stubborn little spots and it WILL get the CA125 down to where it should be and in the process, it WILL make you well.

We ya hon! Anytime you want to chat or vent, just give a holler.


Unread 04-26-2002, 07:15 AM
I'm scared -- need to vent

Oh Cyndy we do love you and it is ok to complain as much as you want to. Of course you are scared . But you have to do it and we will be here cheering you on to good health.

Just think of this chemo as the last step towards good health , a hard one to make but necessary . this is the chemo attacking all those bad cells . Like Vicki says , use that anger positively , against the cancer .

Cyndy, you can do this . We will be with you to hold you up , to hug and to lend a shoulder when you want to cry. Anytime you need . When you are so stressed that you cant breathe, close your eyes and see and feel our love enveloping you . and that love will help you to fight this cancer. You can do it Cyndy !!!
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Unread 04-26-2002, 07:36 AM
Cyndy, We're Here With You

and will be with you in spirit as that Doxil starts wiping out those cancer cells next week.

Come anytime and may that Doxil do it. Wish they had a Badger symbol so I could try to put that in. I give up!

If you live in Madison, where I live, maybe sometime we could get together around my schedule of volunteer and rescheduled Dr. appointments and regular ones and have a good old Badger Bash session!

Ok--going to try a symbol here

Unread 04-26-2002, 08:36 AM
I'm scared -- need to vent


Let us know what day your chemo is next week so we can be here to cheer you on! I think your shrink is right - think of the medicine as helping push back the disease. At the same time, it good to be frank with yourself. Chemo is no fun. You have caring doctors and nurses. There are good medicines to help with the side effects. You need not be totally miserable. You can use the time during the chemo for positive visualizations. Treat yourself to some wonderful, positive music or books on tape so you have something positive to do while having the chemo.

You can do this....it will be hard, but everyone here will be cheering you on.

Unread 04-26-2002, 02:56 PM
I'm scared -- need to vent

s Cyndy

You have the strength to do this and you will do this!!!! And I agree, it is time for something more aggressive like IV Doxil. You gave the oral chemo a fair chance and it just did not do the job. Your therapist is wise. You are walking away from the grave with more aggressive therapy.

Recurrences are just the unfortunate nature of ovarian cancer.
I attended a gyn cancer conference today in Phila. It was put on by the Univ of Penn. ( a darn good place ) It was stated that in Stage III and IV there is a 75% chance of a recurrence. I attended the conference with three of my support group friends. Two of those women are dealing with recurrences. It was stated that the good part (if there is such a thing) of ovarian cancer is that it is so susceptible to chemotherapy. And there are so many different chemos out there to use. Let's all hang in there together. A cure is coming. In the meantime, I promise to always be here for you Cyndy.

PS: Is there a gyn cancer support group in your area. I have found it an invaluable source of information and inspiration. Maybe you and Ellen can get together? Hystersisters is super, but being with other women in person who share our fear and concern, is also quite empowering.

s karenann
Unread 04-26-2002, 03:36 PM
I'm scared -- need to vent


Of course you are scared! It's no fun to anticipate side effects. But you can do this ! And the Doxil is going to help you get where you are going--way far away from the grave. You are a strong woman, Cyndy, and when you feel like you aren't strong anymore just come here and we will send you all the strength and love and prayers that we can. You're going to make it! You've invested too much in yourself to not make it. So just tell those cancer cells they are dead meat--the Doxil is going to take them out!

Sending love and prayers and a special to hold you close.

Unread 04-26-2002, 07:44 PM
I'm scared -- need to vent


My thoughts will be with you next week. I hate my IV chemo, too (this is day 3 of round 2 so I really hate it today) and I think it's okay to hate it. BUT, we can hate it but believe it will cure us at the same time, right?
Hang in there. You can do it!
Unread 04-26-2002, 09:34 PM

Just wanted to say hang in there! You have every right to be mad! Get mad at that cancer! I will be thinking of you. It is good you have a "shrink" to talk to and of course, hystersisters. Peace be with you! and prayers!

cervical cancer, removal of lymph nodes axillary, starting radiation for spread to vaginal wall
Unread 04-26-2002, 10:00 PM
I'm scared -- need to vent

Cyndy. I wish I could be with you to hug you and help you get through this. I will be praying for you, as we all will be. Please know that we all understand how scared you are and we don't mind one bit that you come here for encouragement. We you, Cyndy and we all would take a treatment for you if we could.

Yes, use that anger to fight this demon. That is good advice. We are all angry at cancer, too, and we will be here for you.



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