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angry, depressed, mad, confused....HELP?!?! angry, depressed, mad, confused....HELP?!?!

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  #1  
Unread 05-02-2002, 10:18 AM
angry, depressed, mad, confused....HELP?!?!

Well, I went to the appointment with the new oncologist, and he verified everything I have heard before which covers both extremes of what I need/can do.

A hysterectomy is inevitable - question is whether or not I want children. If I want to bear children, I must have them now. The general consensus is that they (oncologists) feel that they can follow it enough, because it is only in the "in-situ" stage right now, that I would have time to bear children if I start right now, then have the hysterectomy later. (But admittedly, the tests -(pap, biopsies, ecc etc - can be faulty/misread and there is no way to know when a test might not report things accurately.)

I guess I'm mad because my choice is taken away of when I wanted to have children - everyone keeps stressing to me that you are "never ready" but I wanted things to be on my terms. I'm really getting into my career now, and thought (at least a year ago) that I had many years ahead of me to fulfill my career goals, and them step back and raise a child when I felt I was ready emotionally to do that.

Does it make me less of a woman to say that I want things on my terms and am not willing to do things on a time shcedule that I'm not comfortable with - just to bear a child that I'm not ready for?? Like I should have the baby now becasue it would be my only chance to avoid potential future regret? Or do I make the least risk to my health decision which is to have the hysterectomy now, becaue it's 99.9999999% effective at treating the AIS and not having to worry about it again....

AAARRRGGGHHHH!! :burning:

What do I do?

Am I crazy? Am I making too much of this? Am I supposed to have a child now, when I don't feel ready - in order to protect my future???

Help Anyone???
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  #2  
Unread 05-02-2002, 10:33 AM
angry, depressed, mad, confused....HELP?!?!

Oh Susan

I've never been through the feelings you have right now, but I don't think they are crazy at all. Cancer is such a mean thing. I'm sure the other gals will be by with better advice, but I am thinking of you and don't think you are crazy at all.

Dorrie
  #3  
Unread 05-02-2002, 10:40 AM
angry, depressed, mad, confused....HELP?!?!

Hi Susan,
I understand that this is a really emotional difficult time for you. It's really hard when our choices that we always took for granted are suddenly taken away. I really wanted a third child and was faced with the same situation that you are currently facing.
If you choose to have the hysterectomy remember you can still have a family. You just can't bear a child. You can even have a biological child through a surrogate.

As far a carrying a child, my doctors told me the same thing that yours are telling you. They said that if I wanted another pregnancy I should do it right away. (In my case they recommended against it because I already had two.) (That was also before they realised that it was not AIS but Stage 1A)

Anyway, it's a really difficult emotional decision to make.

Just a quick question--Were your margins clear or do they have to do another cone?

-Denise
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  #4  
Unread 05-02-2002, 10:51 AM
angry, depressed, mad, confused....HELP?!?!

The Margins on the first cone were clear.
  #5  
Unread 05-02-2002, 11:38 AM
angry, depressed, mad, confused....HELP?!?!

s Susan

What a dilemma! I certainly don't envy you this decision. Women of my generation (I am 50) thought we could have it all and on our own terms. I think most of us would say we found that wasn't always true. One thing or another was sacrificed along the way.
I do know one thing about decision making once cancer enters the picture. Decisions are often based upon what we will regret the least in the future.
Perhaps you should try to envision your life ten or fifteen years from now and where you want to be. Then follow the path now that will let those dreams come to fruition.
Best wishes karenann
  #6  
Unread 05-02-2002, 01:46 PM
Hi Swooz

I don't have the answer for you. Of course none of us do.
When faced with big decisions I like to get a lot of opinions. Then just let things kind of simmer for a few days and then see how I feel. I do think your own bottom line feelings and intuition are very important.
My son and daughter-in-law got pregnant about 4 years ahead of their "plan" on when they wanted to have a baby. My grandson is now 5 and needless to say we wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. Now they have been wanting another baby for 2 years and have tried everything and the pregnancy is not happening. So you just never know.
I wouldn't want to see anyone have a baby when they weren't ready for one and possibly end up resenting the child. I'm not saying you would. But sometimes you just don't know. I wouldn't force yourself to have a child if you really don't want to.
I have spent the past 30 years in corporate America. I wouldn't trade all the success and rewards of that for one magic moment sitting on the stoop eating ice cream with my grandson. But that is me and my vantage point is certainly different at this stage of life.
We each have to make our own decisions and then live with them. Life never goes as planned. And there are no guarantees on anything for any of us. We just try and do the best we can each step of the way and hope we don't end up with too many regrets in the end. Everything is a trade off I think.
Good luck to you and with your decision.
  #7  
Unread 05-02-2002, 01:54 PM
hi

I am so sorry you are faced with this, but life is never on our own terms. I have learned that after my divorce, after having an unplanned preganancy with an absent father and now cancer. The other ladies have given you such good advice. I would just like to add something. Like someone said before, in ten or fifteen years, you could not like your career anymore, you could even want a different one. You could even love motherhood so much that it would be your only career. If you ever dreamed of having a family, the loss will be too great. I am giving you my opinioin, I would never want a woman to suffer the loss of not being able to have a child. I just think if you have the chance, and you are carcinoma-in-citu- have a baby!!!! There is nothing like it, and a hysterectomy at our age is an incredible mind blow. (at any age, granted) I wish I could explain to you how it feels to have been able to give birth to a child, no the beauty of it, and then have it taken away. I hope I am not too forward here. I guess it just depends on if you really wanted a family in the future, and how important it is to you and your husband.
  #8  
Unread 05-02-2002, 02:17 PM
angry, depressed, mad, confused....HELP?!?!

Hi Susan, you poor girl.

I cant say that I know what you are going through with regards to deciding whether or not to have children , as I did already have my family but I know of the frustrations you are feeling with not being in control of your life.
I am one who like to plan things. I had my life planned before I found out that I had CIN3 . We had just purchased an old home and were right in the middle of renovations. Then I got the results of my pap and was told that I had to have the hysterectomy. I wanted to finish the renovations and the Dr assured me it would be ok to wait the 4 mths that it would take to finish and then have the op. Well , I did. The rest is history , read my story and you will be able to see what happened. What happened is unusual but what I am trying to say is that cancer is an unknown factor. No one can predict how it is going to act

I also have a story similar to Shelleys, my son and his wife were married and buying their home. She fell pregnant ( not planned ) and their plans had to change . My grandson is a joy and we wouldnt change that for the world. They own their own house now ,their plans were just re - organized.

It is soooo frustrating when life doesnt go as planned I could just stamp my feet in anger sometimes but life is full of twist and turns. And usually when you look back, after it is all over, you can see that all things happen for a reason.

It is a hard decision to make but at least the Drs have given you the choice of whether to have the children or not. But take a few days , dont rush head long into this decision. Ask us questions , be informed and make a decision that you are comfortable with. You are the one that has to live with it.

Sending lots of love and hugs , remember we are always here to listen xxx
  #9  
Unread 05-02-2002, 03:46 PM
angry, depressed, mad, confused....HELP?!?!

HELLO SUSAN,
WOW! WHAT A LOUSY THING TO GO THROUGH.

THE DECISION MUST BE YOURS ALONE. I KNOW, IT'S
LIKE FORCING YOU TO DO SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT
TO DO JUST YET. I'M SURE YOU WILL RELAX AND THINK
THIS OVER CAREFULLY. YOU WILL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.
YOUR NOT WRONG FOR HAVING THESE FEELINGS. NOT ONE
BIT!!! I HOPE YOU WILL WORK THIS OUT AND BE HAPPY WITH
YOUR CHOICES.
I AM REALLY SORRY ABOUT THIS, BUT YOU'LL DO THE RIGHT
THING. DO WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU.
  #10  
Unread 05-04-2002, 08:09 AM
Hello Susan

I am so sorry you have to go thru this. Its a tough situation. One that is not easily answered or fixed. You really have to reach down deep inside you and answer that question about what it means to to you to be a mother....whether biological or adoptive...and as far as being able to become a parent when we want to that dream has been very elusive to alot of us whether we have adopted or opted for infertility treatments ect. Like some of the other posts have suggested try to envision your life 5 10 or 15 years down the road and how you and your husband would feel about having children or not and whether it was important that they are biological or not. And you need to consider your health, would pregnancy endanger your situation or anything? This is not easy, and your feelings of confusion and depression are totally understandable! Good Luck to you and keep us posted. I will keep you in my prayers.
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