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Inconsiderate, selfish teenage DD Inconsiderate, selfish teenage DD

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  #11  
Unread 05-05-2002, 02:47 PM
Thank you

Angela,
It's nice to know someone else is going through tis with their girls. I was quite snotty to my Mom but once I hit about 20 she became my best friend <other than hubby>. I hope that the same thing happens between my daughter and myself. Time will tell. I was just so hurt, especially when I really do go out of my way to do nice things for her. <she, of course, does not see it that way!>
Thanks for the words of encouragement!
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  #12  
Unread 05-05-2002, 03:00 PM
Inconsiderate, selfish teenage DD

Lil, I am always going out of my way for these two!!!!!!!Both are involved in sports. Now that I am out of work I have been going to all my daughters sofeball games bringing drinks and treats for her and her teamates.My other daughter runs track. Her meets are to far for me to drive to but I make up for missing them with other things.How is your husband doing with her? My girls drive my husband crazy. Since I am home I heard the way my 15 year old spoke to her father and I was really mad. I could not believe how disrespectful she is!!!!!!!!!!He said it happens all the time. I said......Well not anymore. Boy did I give her a piece of my mind!!!!!!!!Well E mail me if you want!!!!!!!!!! Take care. Angela
  #13  
Unread 05-05-2002, 04:07 PM
LOL

Hubby and daughter are too much alike. She thinks she should always express her opinion; he thinks she should just shut up and listen. Most of the time he is right. I used to be a "buffer" between the two, but she is old enough to realize consequences from her Father such as losing field trip! I use to talk him out of it later,,,not anymore. She knows everything. We are ignorant and could not possible know how it feels to be a teenager. <sigh> I just stay out of it when they start. He has more of a problem with her "disrespectful, unappreciative" attitude towards me than anything else. I was not a spanker as she was coming up, he was. She respects him far more than I. Of course he is with her for a limited amount of time. I do not work <other than housewife and Mom and that's plenty!> I am there for all of her school functions and she has karate class twice a week. I am at her tournaments. I also do more tranporting of her friends than any other parent <because I can due to no job>. She is also very active in after school activities and volunteering during the summer. Do I get ANY thanks for this? NOPE! We contantly adjust our schedules to fit hers. She thinks she should be allowed to live the life of a 16 yr old at 13. HA! I am so very disappointed in her attitude with my surgery. I had a breast biopsy <benign> in 2000. I have terrible reactions to meds. Hubby did not want me left alone in the house the first day back. You would have thought we were asking her to be Cinderella! As it turns out, that evening I had a toxic reaction to percoset. Vomiting violently non-stop. Worst headache in my life, BP 170/110. Ended up in emergency. Did she care? NOPE. So I guess I am hurt. <GRRRR> Bewildered. Thank you so much for letting me vent! I only have one child. I can't imagine TWO teen girls! LOL...thanks for the support.
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  #14  
Unread 05-05-2002, 05:29 PM
Inconsiderate, selfish teenage DD

Hey Tracy....may I make a suggestion?

wipe the slate clean and try it again.... try to work something out with a friend or neighbor, or someone that can get her to the ceremony... is she getting an award?????

Maybe you can chalk up the outburst and angry retreat to her hormones and your stress at facing a major surgery....but I think this is one that I would try to work out so she at least gets to finish what she started...meaning, her entire year of music should be completed with a ceremony....

I don't have daughters, but have two sons....27 and 20.....and my goal, as yours has been from the way it sounds, is to get business done, "whatever" that business was, with as little disruption to my kids lives and activities as possible.....I guess it was just a "me" thing....and never wanted my kids to see me as vulnerable "health wise".....that was real important for me since I had dealt with a lot of my father's health issues when he was alive.....

What I have learned on the road to raising my kids is "you choose your arguments wisely"..one I am sure you have heard before....and sometimes it really is ok to go back to your kids and say...."ok, maybe we can work this thing out".....

If the issue is whether or not she will be at the hospital for you that evening, then maybe you would rather her wait to see you when you really feel better.....the first night is a bad one ...you are really tired and having to entertain visitors is a big chore.....
but if the issue is someone being with her or staying with her, maybe a neighbor can help you out there...or a friends Mom....

I can remember when my kids were that age...and awards ceremonies and commencements were a big thing for them...such as the end to a sporting season...or the end of a project....

and don't think for one minute that we have all gotten unconditional support from our family.....I am more often found in "the road less traveled" forum...just dropped in here for old times sake.....if you have at least one supportive family member...as in your husband, then praise be!....that is half the battle....hope it all works out for you and your surgery is a breeze...............take care..bj
  #15  
Unread 05-05-2002, 06:51 PM
Hey Tracy

Sorry to hear your DD is giving you fits. I have a 20-year-old daughter who acts like she's 13 sometimes.

Teenagers can be such fun. When they hit 13, if you notice, you seem to lose every bit of knowledge and sense you ever had, according to them. Now that my three are finally reaching young adulthood (youngest is 19, oldest is 22), I seem to be regaining some of my intelligence again.

Today, I invited my daughter to move back in with me. She's out of work right now, her car has broken down, she can't pay her rent (and I can't afford to help her with it this month, as I have for the past six months.) So we've decided that she'll move back in with me in two weeks so that she'll be here to help me after my surgery. I'm just hoping we can get along okay, because she is very independent and strong-willed and we've had more than our share of disagreements.

If your daughter has just started her first period, she's probably going through quite an emotional turmoil, especially with her mom having problems too. And teenagers can be notoriously selfish at times - it goes with the territory. I wish I could give you some good advice, but I can't. You would know best what works. (Why, oh why, don't kids come with instruction manuals?)

Just hang in there, Hyster Buddy. This too shall pass!



Lisa

  #16  
Unread 05-05-2002, 09:54 PM
Inconsiderate, selfish teenage DD

Tracy, I second what BJ suggested. Let her go to both functions. I can only speak for myself, but my daughter totally freaked in the hospital when she came to see me.

And she's 22! She has a lot of gyn problems and I think just the thought that it could be her in that bed someday, looking like I did, was more than she could handle.

Maybe it's the same with your daughter. At 13, I doubt she's had a lot of experience with surgery, or IV's, or hospitals, or any of the potentially scary things you could see during a hospital stay.
At least, I sure hope she has not.

My daughter saw me with the oxygen thingies up my nose, the IV dripping only god knows what into my arm, the catheter bag hanging so attractively on the bedrail, and then to top it all off, when I shifted in bed to try and appear a little more alive, the motion caused me to dry heave for about 5 minutes straight..get the picture?

Her face went dead white, so started to hyperventilate and cry, and started screaming at the nurse to do something for me..my husband had to take her out of the room to calm her down, and then we sent her home.

My 20 year old son, who showed up about 2 hours later, was totally cool with everything. He was actually a lot more help even postop than my daughter, who totally ignored me for the first 4 postop days at home, she'd wave from the door, and run upstairs to her room.

She said later, she had never actually seen me that helpless looking, and it scared her to death. I mean, I'm her mommy.

13 years old is awfully young to take something like this in stride, and like others have said, their worlds are very small. You may want and need for them to be able to fit it into their lives and act concerned and compassionate, but maybe something like this is just too big for them to squeeze in.

Hey, look at some of the pre-op LIW posts, and you'll see even grown women don't handle a lot of this very well.

You must of course, do as you see fit as a parent, I don't know your situation very well at all..best of luck to all of you in whatever decision you end up making..who was it posted they wished teenagers came with instructions? I'm still looking for the manual on young adults!!

Cynthia
  #17  
Unread 05-05-2002, 10:43 PM
Inconsiderate, selfish teenage DD

Tracy, maybe when your daughter has cooled down, before your surgery, you can sit down with her and explain that you do want her to have the things she wants, and you appreciate that she's a good girl and she gets good grades and stays out of trouble, but that right now, your medical situation requires that you have this surgery and you're going to take care of yourself so you can be there for her completely after you've recovered. Maybe you can explain all the ways you'll be better off after the surgery.

Or you could sit her down and ask her if she has any questions about the surgery, maybe give her a gentle high-level overview of what's going to happen so she knows what to expect. You can tell her that you are going to need more of her help for a while but you'll do your best not to overburden her.

I also suggest telling her that if she comes up with any questions about the surgery at any time, she can come to you and ask them.

Good luck.

Melissa
  #18  
Unread 05-06-2002, 12:29 AM
16 year old ds

hi
i come at this from a different perspective since my son has grown up in a home with his dad being disabled from MS as long as he can remember. he doesnt recall his dad being able to do much and tho hubby still can do some things it has been up to me to take over the household.
Since he has been 4 he has had more than his fair share of responsibilites. by far more than his peers and as his dad has progressed he has that many more. I am usually not in need of help like i have been from this surgery (post op 4 wks now) but 2 years back i broke my ankle and worried how we all would manage. It was tough but we did. To make a long story short i was very worried about having my son feel MORE burdened than he already feels. Sure he loves his dad but it has impacted the family in ways most teens dont have to cope with day to day. My son and i are very close and i too bend over backward to help in do all he endeavors to do. he is also an A student (well til this year) and found a part time job to support the car grandpa felt he should have and he is thrilled with. He is very busy and a greAT kid. I am SOOO lucky but he is still as selfish as the next teen is at this age.
i made a point to schedule my surgery on HIS spring break thinking about ME and what worked out best as i knew i would need him around. HE HIT The ceiling and boy did it hurt me terribly. Much like your daughters reaction.. how DARE i choose to interfere with HIS life during HIS spring break when i just as easily could have rescheduled it for the week prior or after. ALl the explaining in the world didnt change that he felt it would impact HIS time and what was important to HIM. Anyhow i honestly didnt even think he would want to come to the hospital but he shocked me and was there 3 times that day and i was home the same night. He even brought a friend and flowers AND he was gem helping and doing so much around the house.
He throws fits now it still is impacting him but in his case i also think some depression is going on as he just seems so easily overwhelmed and has been asking me to take him to see a dr for awhile now and i have been so wrapped up in my own health needs and concerns i have put HIS on the back burner.
knowing how much kids however HAVE their own lives and interests and with your daughter SO involved i think it would not be a good thing to associate your surgery with cancelling her going on her choral field trip or awards thing (if i recall that right)/ These things arent in competition for her love for her mom. they just are important to her and she may very well resent your surgery for keeping her from doing things that have been planned in her world for a long time/ Perhaps you can change your date a few days or find ways for her to go do her things also but from experience you would be wise to realize this isnt a competition for whats MORE important. just bad timing and sure emergencies come up and we lack choices in life at times but maybe you could find a way to allow for both??? While your husbands approach might work to instill fear, i suspect it will harbor resentment in the long run.... just my .02/ good luck its very trying i know. sorry this is so long
jandrie
  #19  
Unread 05-06-2002, 12:36 AM
Inconsiderate, selfish teenage DD

oops i forgot to add that i didnt reschedule my surgery , BUT we talked it out and i found a compromise. in discussing the situation with a friend she offered to help out and come stay with us to help and to allow HIM to be able to not feel the crunch as fully as he might have. he had time to hang out and do his stuff over his vacation without feeling he sacrificed ALL (doesnt matter it didnt seem important to ME., to him it was) and we found a way to help us all and he was great about helping at least for the first few weeks. its wearing.. hey it is wearing on ALL of us ! lol
jandrie
  #20  
Unread 05-06-2002, 03:36 AM
Thank you all for the wonderful input!

The hardest part about the surgery was the scheduling, as some of you already know. Waiting, planning, etc. My DD's attitude is something we have been dealing with for the last couple of years. My Mom calls it "only child syndrome". LOL She is used to getting her own way and not used to having to compromise or even think about putting others first. My surgery is out of town. Her field trip/awards ceremony is the day after my surgery. My hubby works very long hours. He is up at 4:30 AM and home about 6PM. The logistics of trying to get to her following the trip, 6:30 PM, and hubby still getting to see me an hour away are just impossible unless we skip the awards. She hated the ceremony last year. We did take into inconsideration that there are 3 out of town family functions this summer and tried to also schedule around that. No matter when I scheduled things, it would be in imposition on her. I asked her, what would she rather miss,,,family reunions or ceremony. She said ceremony. We WERE going to still figure out how to let her do the field trip, until she blew a gasket. My husband very calmly said to her, "We have bent over backwards to accomodate you and you still aren't happy. You don't want to compromise? Fine. You aren't going. No need to compromise." She is handling it well, now; not going.
I feel so guilty that I am putting EVERYONE here through so much. Thak you for the advice and the encouraging words. At least I know/hope that this too shall pass. <sigh> Just a small bump in the road! BTW,,,We have no one here to look after her or pick her up following the ceremony. That is why we had to do things this way. Next surgery date for me would be August at the earliest. No way. ME FIRST for a change! <Now I sound like a teen!> LOLOLOL
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