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Unread 05-06-2002, 11:30 PM
New to Board...Having a problem

Hello to all,

I just happened to find this site while looking for info. I am glad it is here.
My surgery is set for June 7th. I find the closer it get the more nerves seem to be getting to me. Noone in my family has been through this and at 28 none of my friends have either. I was feeling very isolated.
My husband is what is really getting to me. He has always been my best friend but in this case he tells me he doesn't know what to say. Last night I was thinking about it and started to cry and he just looked at me with this blank expression and said nothing.
Later that night he was rubbing my back and telling me everything was going to be alright and I got mad at him. I don't know why..I can't explain why..I just heard myself yell at him and say " would you think everything was okay if your penis was being removed" I don't know where it came from and felt terriable after I said it.

Has anyone else had this trouble?? Any ideas on how I can make him understnd how I feel? Am I being a raving witch?

Any words of wisdom would be great.

Thanks for listening
Brandee in Michigan
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Unread 05-06-2002, 11:47 PM
Hi Brandee

Welcome to Hystersisters I am glad you found us.

I am sorry you are going through all of this at such a young age. It is not an easy experience to go through and yes sometimes it seems as if no one understands. Thank goodness for Hystersisters. You can come here anytime and get support and information and have people to listen who truly do understand.

I think alot of the DH's really do have a hard time understanding what we are going through. And they really don't know how to offer comfort and support in a way that we want them to. Sometimes they are scared too and don't know how to express it.

Please read all the great information you can here. A good place to start is the pull down menu's on the Home Page. You might want to print some of it out for DH to read as well. And do take him to your pre-op appointment if you haven't already had it.

Keep reading and posting. You might want to check out the Chat room too. Great place to meet new friends and get some real time support.

Unread 05-07-2002, 06:18 AM

Hi Brandee,
I am scheduled for 5/23. When i first found out, I was not a very nice person to be around. Since it has had time to sink in a little, I am doing better. I don't know why you are having surgery or if you have children, but that may be part of why you feel witchy. <smile> It is a hard, scary choice for all of us so you have come to the right place. My daughter was TERRIBLE <13> upon discovering her life would be disrupted for a few weeks during my recovery. Your hubby sounds scared. Maybe he does not want to burden you with his fears or concerns. It took a few days for my hubby to process the idea of surgery. Then he began to slowly ask questions. Mostly about how this might affect our sex life, how would I do on hormones? I felt much better once he started to open up a bit. I think it is mostly fear that makes us sometimes snappish to our mates. Plus trying to find ways of being less of a "burden". Silly things like,,,how will I get the laundry done? How will I get groceries? Do you have a support system there such as your Mom or other family members who can help during your recovery? When I say something mean, I try to remember to say I'm sorry right afterwards. I'm saying alot of "I'm sorry" these days! Hang in there. The ladies are here to help you through this difficult time.
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Unread 05-07-2002, 08:52 AM
New to Board...Having a problem

Hi Brandee ,

I have no words of wisdom other than I know how you are feeling. I am 27yrs old and had been finding it very hard to find someone to talk to till I found this web site. None of my friends understand because they are around my age and not going through this. Don't feel so bad I said almost the same thing to my financee. I knew mine was trying to be nice but deep down I knew he did not have a clue of what was happening to me. So in fustration I said a few thing I feel bad about. I now have come to accept that he will never fully understand and I printed out for him information about my condition. I have endo. You might want to try that. I also printed out Facts for Family Members, if you go to the home page and click on Family in the side bar. This might help him.

Well I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone .

Unread 05-07-2002, 10:01 AM
New to Board...Having a problem

I have gotten so many different positive and negative reactions that I stopped even talking about the surgery to anyone. If I need to talk about it, I come here.

My best friend (a guy), said that my surgery wasn't a major operation, that it was little more than having your wisdom teeth removed. My Mom keeps saying that it won't be that bad. (She's saying it because she's afraid, so I overlook that.) My oldest son said I'm going to be in severe pain for weeks and be sick from the anesthesia. (Gee, thanks!) The guy I was dating told me I should get a second opinion. When I told him I'd had five opinions, he stopped calling me. (Guess he wanted someone who could have kids.) A lady at work is jealous and is now planning her own hysterectomy after I return from mine. I've driven my co-workers nuts to the point to where I don't even say anything about it anymore.

On the positive side, my daughter-in-law is worried about me and invited me to stay at their house so she could look after me, even though she has two babies to care for. (I thought that was so sweet!) One of my friends is going to take my Mom, who is disabled, to the hospital and wait with her during my surgery. Another friend has volunteered to help me with whatever I need while I'm recuperrating. And there are several professors here at work who have had the surgery and are always telling me the benefits of it.

My point is, you're going to get all kinds of reactions. Some negative, some positive. Some people just may not know what to say to help because they've not had this experience or they're afraid of what is happening to someone they care about or they are afraid to face their own vulnerability and fears. Not one person can really know what it's like unless they've been in your shoes.

Which is why Hystersisters is such a wonderful place! Here you have ladies who are going through the wait with you, and who have been through the surgery before you. We all have experienced the same feelings, the same fears, the same "I wonder if I'm doing the right thing" thoughts. We've all gone slightly nuts with the waiting, wondered if we're packing too much stuff to take with us, panicked about how on earth we're going to be able to take six weeks off from work and still pay the bills, worried about how our households will run without us, and had questions to which we need immediate answers.

This is a wonderful, wonderful place. I know I can come here and vent my feelings and I know there will be someone to listen (even at 2 a.m.) and there will be someone who understands.

Welcome to Hystersisters. You'll get through this, as we all will. And we'll do it together.

s to you!

Unread 05-07-2002, 10:26 AM
Me too

I am 29 and I understand how you feel, I have endo too and am tired of hurting everyday of my life. I am done having kids but the finality of it is still very overwhelming, so I find myself crying about everything. I see a baby and I want to cry.:cry: I am lucky in that my mom has had this done, and she said it was the best thing she ever did. But I don't feel like I can even talk to my husband about it, I just don't feel like he will listen and even try to understand. I think there should be a board just for the men, whose wives/girlfriends are going through this, to go and talk to each other and maybe gain a little knowledge(if we could get them there).
Unread 05-07-2002, 11:37 AM
New to Board...Having a problem

Thank you so much everyone
It's so nice to be able to find a place where you don't feel crazy.
I have been inthe chat room twice and both times I felt like these were "my people". I know that sounds corny but thats how I feel!
That idea about the mens board isn't a bad one at all. I wonder what men would say to each other? I'de love to be a fly on the wall there

Thanks to all
LIW June 7th
Unread 05-07-2002, 12:32 PM
New to Board...Having a problem

Hi Brandee,
I lack a few days of being 4 months post-op. I wanted to say welcome and am so gald you found this site pre-op. I had already had my surgery, really didn't know how recovery was suppose to feel, and got on-line to see if I could find some information. The pull downs saved me. I felt so relieved to find out I was recovering "normally". There's tons of information here. I went into surgery on "blind faith" because I didn't have the information I needed to ask questions. Those of you who get here before your surgeries are very fortunate. You also have support. I am one who is blessed to have a DH that took 2 weeks off and is still doing things I use to do. He was scared and I think yours is too,but men have a tendency to say" everything will be fine" because they just don't know what to say. They don't put their emotions into words like woman do. Anyway, you are here now and we will be waiting to hear from you! , Karlene
Unread 05-07-2002, 12:50 PM
New to Board...Having a problem

Hi Brandee,

I too, felt like my husband wasn't quite "getting" it. One thing I am looking forward to is my pre-op this Thursday. I called my doctor and told him my husband was having a hard time understanding the 6 week recovery time ( IF I'm lucky!!). He said, "make sure he comes to the pre-op....after I'm done talking there will be no doubt what you will be going through...physically and emotionally. I promise he will get it." If you have a great doc, this might help.

I did sit him down away from home, and explained why I felt he wasn't present to me. I'm not sure all husbands are like this, but he is very technical, black and white. I told him I didn't need him to FIX anything, but to empathize and learn about my surgery with me. I wanted to go through it WITH him, not in spite of him. Don't know if that will work with your DH, but maybe it will help.

Also, there is a place on the website where husbands ask questions....and the answers gave my husband some perspective. (It's under the side menu, "FAQ for a Hyster Sister's Family".

Hang in there and keep communicating!

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