I discovered my boyfriend had cheating a couple months prior to my hysterectomy

Hope your recovery is going better than mine.

Please hear me out: I really can't handle people sharing the painfully "positive side" cheer up emails or for people to just advice me to end my relationship. If you are just reading this to send a hello & hug with a "look at the positive side of things", as sweet as that is, please just don't. Evidently, I also always was the person that was the biggest advocate for dumping anyone for cheating behavior and I can't handle a bunch of "know it all" attacks by the cheating police right now. I get it - it was the worst thing he could have done. I am learning that you really don't know what you would do until the situation is a hot potato someone throws at you and there is no one else to throw it back to.

I need to hear from people that have endured something horrible like this, an affair, or betrayal like mine, so I know that it can get better, or what they did to try to get better, because I am drowning.
I need to know that I am not alone. My health is suffering from how much stress I am under with this...my surgery has some kinks, (bladder not working / recovery time seems very slow), and I am exhausted and am trapped in bed. And I have no one to talk to about this. It is eating me alive.

I can't tell anyone; none of our family of friends, as the shame for him and the judgement for me is not going to move anything forward.There are times after this surgery that I am faced with bloated hours of time, and time is very heavy when it is thick with thoughts you want to run away from. Every minute alone I keep going over and over what happened. Finding the email account on the computer, reading the subject lines; how my whole world fell apart in seconds. Me asking him to prove me wrong, just open them up if they were nothing. Me packing my belongs and crying hysterically, not knowing how I would tell my family, tell his mother whom I speak with every day, looking at the last time I would see his apartment that has been a home to me for 3 years.

I demanded to know everything for closure's sake and because I was never going to see him again; it was 2 times with the same married couple so he could try something with the husband...investigating a fetish. The first time he couldn't do it because he felt so guilty about cheating on me & the second time he did to see if it was something he really wanted to do, did it but felt immense shame afterwards. That the wife kept reminding him it wasn't true cheating because it wasn't with a woman. He said it was so horrible to keep this from me and he felt even some relief having me find out. He had been open with me about this fetish when we first got together, (I have no judgement over him being bi), and explained he and an ex relied heavily on bringing others into the bedroom with the help of the internet and wondered if I would do that same? I explained that if you want to be with me, I don't like to share; it is just me.
If you can't handle that - move on and find someone who will; call me old fashioned.
There are plenty of ladies that will. I occasionally brought this issue up, investigating if he was okay with our "just the two of us" arrangement... and he reassured me it was such a seldom urge - he was fine without it and that he was happy with me.

In fact, all of his friends and family always are going on about what a different person he is since he has been with me, how much happier he is, how free he is, how he hasn't been like this since he was a teenager and how it is finally time that he was with a good person. I really thought that I was everything to him as he was to me.

After the finding the emails, (which were left open on his computer), what would have been hours of me crying, blurting out suspicions, voicing every concern I ever had in our relationship, after ripping the details of the encounters from his mouth, he moved around like a wounded animal, filled with shame and rage, he was crying and crying, hold onto my legs and begged me not to go, that he loved me more than anything, anyone, that he couldn't believe this was happening, That he never really thought it would hurt me this much, that he had been so stupid and I reminded him, no - so selfish.

I went home and cried in my bed for 2 days. The second night he called to tell me that he needed to know that his mother would miss him if he was dead. I knew he was serious and I got scared and asked him to come over so he couldn't hurt himself. Now...are you wondering why I am I that dumb to not check his manipulation points on the wall with such a move?
I know in his youth he tried and suffers from depression, so I didn't want to take chances.
I know he would have done it.

I called an emergency counseling so I had support to keep me from not losing it for the first 2 weeks, to help with his suicidal thoughts and to keep me rational and going to work. We work together, so that helps. (Please tell me you got the sarcasm with that). He begged me to forgive him, for me to know that it was so stupid to take a chance with being with me and to lose it all for a dumb sexual desire that he was curious about. He wrote me letters, phoned, left notes on my desk. He said he would put any device on his computer so I could access anything from now on, his phone, anything to have me consider staying.
His family was so concerned - they knew something had happened but he wouldn't tell them. I couldn't tell anyone of my friends knowing most of our friends we share, our co-workers, and this is so much to unload on a distant friend. I have no idea if sharing such a dilemma will help to the internet, but I am just looking for a tiny amount of hope from someone that has survived something like this.

I spend a great deal of time by myself, going over the shock of it all. I would have to pretend to be a person just to get through a meeting at work. I would have counseling sessions in a closet at work, crying my make-up off and hoping no one would find me. He pushed for us to stay together - he would have done anything... agreed to do anything, counseling, that he would do anything for this to be behind us. I kept trying to reason for him that we need to end it for him.
That he hurt me and I didn't know if I could get over it, and that he should be free and happy to pursue the things in his life he wants; I was not going to be someone in the way.
He has reiterated over and over that it was something he regrets, that it was such something he does not need nor really like and that such a small interest should have never been followed through with..as it was a fantasy thing that should have stayed fantasy. That it was an action of self hate and the whole thing was stupid of him...that he loves me and wants me more than ever wanting to pursue a more exciting sex life.

I would make it a day with him back to normal; everything fun and it is easy to fall back to being madly in love...,and the next day be a mess. Fall apart over nothing. Couldn't see him in his sweater he wore the day I found out. Every time he leaves the house, I need all details, or if the phone rings, if he has gone to the store...had he? I question the strangest things and hate the suspicious person I have become. But he always answers everything, goes out of his way to try to have me trust him, and says any time I am hurt about it, or need to talk about it...he has given up his right to say no. That this is his fault, that he own responsibility..the punishment for his crime.
And like Alex from clockwork orange, any thoughts of the fetish now make him feel sick and ill as it is always associated with how much he has hurt me. That he knows I wouldn't stay if there is a next time.
And that is the problem, isn;t it?
Now I am just so scared when the next time will be.....even though I believe that he would never take such a risk again...I am a prisoner of fear, distrust and so scared to feel, as I never want to be this hurt again.How do I trust myself, my judgment again?

I also have been so sick for the last 2 years..andenomyosis.
It has been crazy painful and I could hardly be a person most days. He frantically took care of me, and still does. He had moved in since my surgery and cut shifts at work down as to stay home with me for my recovery. It just seems now that the andenomyosis has now calmed down due to the uterus removal, my emotions have not. I am tense. I try so hard to stay positive, as I feel so alone in this. I think about is this betrayal feel so devastated that my best friend, my partner in almost every hour of my day could be capable of such behavior. It crushes me and I am alone in my pain. He endures my every insecurity, he tries to do everything I have been counseled to do, but as I lie here, not having anyone to tell, to talk to...it just seems to be strangling a part of my rational...my logic on how I am to get better mentally and physically from this all. Also, my councilor limited sessions, covered by work. My medical leave does not spare me enough money to seek out the proper help.

The hardest part - I am so in love him. More than anyone in my life.
I am not going to try to defend his behavior by trying to sell you on all the good things this man is - the facts are you don't know me nor him. The judgments you make on he or I are based on a post online...this isn't reality and we are only what we represent in our words. Nor if you did actually know us, you would have never suspect this has happened. I have been faking it for a while that I am okay; there were days prior to the surgery that I was getting better with it, I was working so hard to move past this and to concentrate on the relationship we agreed was worth saving... one we both didn't want to end.

I am just needed someone to help me. I need to know others have gone through this. I need to now that I am not alone in my hurt. I just want steps, or advice on how to emotionally take this on. What has worked...what ,made you both stronger? Make this pass...so I can heal. I feel like my mental state is effecting my surgery recovery. But at the same time, maybe this is not the forum for this. I don't want to upset anyone nor offend with the subject matter. I just need someone to be a little kind.
Thank-you.

Hi Kahlo,

So sorry that you have to deal with this emotional blow while also trying to recover physically.

I most likely won't have any answers that you will like. First of all, I don't judge you for staying with him. Nor would I judge you for leaving. Sexuality and relationships are such complicated things. And whom we love does not always correlate with our sexual needs. I believe there are people who do truly, passionately love their mates, but simply cannot maintain sexual fidelity to one one person. (If they did, you wouldn't want them anyway, because they would end up being miserable and resentful.)

As for how I deal with things, I've been through a few doozy relationships, so my "rules" have changed quite a bit over time. When I was younger, physical abuse and cheating were my two deal-breakers. My first serious long term, live-in relationship lasted 5 & 1/2 years. Near the end, I somehow got the sense he was cheating on me, even though I had no overt signals. It was just a gut feeling. We split up due to a combination of immaturity, financial problems, and incompatible life goals. Only after our breakup did he admit to cheating. He never gave me the details. But I always kept that in mind, along with the statistic that about 1/2 of all married people cheat. Ever since, even in supposedly monogamous relationships, I have had an expectation of safe sex/ condom use with all my partners. (One of my problems with the hysterectomy is having to have "the argument" about condoms with men who will insist that they are faithful/ "clean"/ etc., and there is no need since I won't get pregnant. I most likely will not tell any future partners that I have had a hysterectomy, for that reason.)

After my first biggie, I had a rebound relationship with a man who was very loyal, but very jealous and tempermental. He never physically abused me, but I believe that was because I was tough and agile enough to take him. He was very verbally abusive, and there were some shoving matches between us from time to time. He also was prone to drinking way too much, driving recklessly, and using weapons in an unsafe manner. My guess is that he would have eventually killed me if I stayed. ...I'd take the first guy, cheating and all, over that mess. I left guy # 2 after a year and a half.

I finally ended up in a very nice relationship that lasted over a decade. Guy # 3 was very kind, patient, a good listener, not jealous, supportive of me and my goals, etc. All the good stuff, right? However, after the first 6 months, he decided that I was not "the one" for him, due to certain compatibility issues. Yet, he and I both wanted to maintain the friendship, which was genuine. We were not successful at keeping it platonic, though. So, we ended up agreeing to keep seeing one another, while not getting in the way if either of us pursued other relationships or sexual encounters. That was my first experience with an open relationship. (I didn't even know that other people did open relationships at that time.) I did it at first because I really liked him.(Loved him, too, but the relationship was still pretty new for real love.) I was wiling to accept non-monogamy in exchange for being with someone that I really wanted to be with. I think I also secretly hoped that he would eventually "come around" to just being with me. Funny part is that the whole situation was unexpectedly quite favorable for me. Yet, because I felt the relationship was not "real" without monogamous commitments, we agreed to monogamy when we moved in together after about 5 years. After 6 or so years of monogamy, he took up with another woman. I don't think they ever actually had sex, but he was clearly in love with her and kept pushing me away. At that point, I gave him an ultimatum of me or her. He couldn't choose, so I chose for him. The relationship ended. Some things I noted about all that were 1) Sexual infidelity would have bothered me a whole lot less. It was the emotional aspect that bothered me. 2) The dishonesty had a lot to do with my feelings of anger and betrayal. He was engaging in some dishonest behaviors regarding her and his feelings for her. If he had shared that with me in a rational way, we might have renegotiated the relationship, as we had a few times before. But I couldn't negotiate with someone who was disrespecting me by lying to me. 3) I didn't really leave him over his emotional affair. I had already been thinking about leaving him, for entirely different reasons. When the emotional affair came up, it was just a symptom of how we had grown apart. My ultimatum was a really a request for him to recommit to and reinvest in the relationship. He couldn't do that, so I left.

Since then, I have been in mostly non-monogamous relationships. I've found that I like the more openly polyamorous type men more for various reasons. 1) They tend to be more respectful of my autonomy. They don't try to change me. They don't get jealous when I spend time with friends, speak of old boyfriends, go on trips alone, etc. And they don't demand my nonstop attention. 2) In many cases, it is a matter of priorities. If I like a guy enough, it is more important to me to just enjoy his company than it is to manage his sexual behavior. 3) Being with non-monogamous types gives me freedom, too. And that doesn't just mean the freedom to go out and have sex with other men. It might mean that I can just flirt without guilt, that I can enjoy the company of another man without feeling torn or worrying about it possible leading to something that would jeopardize a relationship I already have, etc. It also frees me from the search for "Mr. Right"; by having a variety of relationships and emotional supports, I do not have to rely upon one imperfect person to meet all of my needs.

At this point, I consider myself single. But I have different types and degrees of relationships with a variety of people. I try not to spend a lot of time thinking about who has sex with whom (aside from making sure I'm not messing around with someone who has an unsuspecting wife at home, as that is a big no-no). I focus on enjoying my time, regardless of who I spend it with. And I choose to spend time with people who make me feel good about life and about myself.

So, that is how I've worked through some of this stuff. I'm not sure what the moral to my story is. Maybe your relationship priorities will change as you change. Just make sure that you are doing what meets your needs, rather than what appears good to others. My family loved guy #2 (the abusive one), but they weren't the ones who had to live with him. ...Oh, and my guess is that your guy, despite all best intentions, will not change in terms of needing sexual variety. Ultimately, you will have to decide which is more important for you to have: monogamy or him. Either way, the choice and results are yours and no one else's.

First - I am sorry about what happened - this would be rough on any relationship unless it was clear that it was "ok" to experiment outside of relationship or that it is not a committed relationship.
When I was younger (I am 45 now) I had a relationship with a young man, he stayed a lot in my apartment, also overnight. I thought things were going well. However, after some while he said that he "needed some time" and I was totally fine with it, I am not clingy and very independent by nature. We also worked at the same place, not daily but our shifts were overlapping at times. One day I see him at work and he is not the same, meaning he was trying to avoid me. So I was pushing a bit to see what was going on. He started to see his ex-girlfriend in addition to me and to make it even better - she got pregnant!. We talked a bit and I agreed that our relationship was not looking like long term and told him it was fine - we broke up. A couple of days later she came to the work place to bring him something, which was the first time I had seen her. She is a very beautiful woman, lovely in general. I shook hands with her and introduced myself to make clear that there is no bad feelings. They got married, a cute little child and I had seen them a couple of times until I moved out of the city. Of course I wondered what does she have that I don't? But I did not spend much time on it.
Ok, so I moved for work into a different city and was looking for a room. Funny enough there was one guy at the work place (Yeah - what is going on with me and the work place, right???) I had met months ago at a training. He and I went out and he appeared to be reliable. He offered me to move in with him as he had an extra room. I moved in and my understanding was that it was a committed relationship - not that we really talked about it - I guess I was just assuming.
Time goes by, we are getting along fine, both working a lot, busy. One Friday he dresses up with suit and tie and tells me that he had to visit an aunt in the next bigger city and he would not be back until Sunday. I did not suspect anything. Guess what --- turned out that he got engaged that weekend to a woman he had been seeing for some while ! I wondered how he could see her and me at the same time, especially since she was living in the city 30 minutes away and he did not have a car. I moved out right away because I felt that this was a bit too much for me. He offered me to stay - but I was not interested anymore.


In both cases I did not stay with the boyfriend. The first one because I felt he would be happier with the other woman who was also pregnant. The second time I just did not want to.

I am not judgmental of what you are doing or why - I think you do what you feel is best for you. I know partners who overcame infidelity and stayed together, I know some who broke up and I actually also know some who have an "open relationship". I am married and infidelity would not be the deal breaker for my marriage - I just do not want to know. But as you have put it so well - you do not know until you get into the situation.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on your physical healing so you become more independent and continue to meet with a therapist to work on your emotional stress. Once you feel better from your surgery and less dependent I think it will become clear to you what you want to do in the long run in terms of relationship.

You have a lot going on in your life both emotionally and physically. All is draining on your body - you need to maybe make a choice between healing physically right now and letting the emotional kind of hang out in left field. Definitely consider waiting to make any definite decisions on the relationship.

I got married on the rebound 44 years ago. The guy I had been having an affair with - turns out he was dating a girl that was his future because she was catholic therefore acceptable to her family. I grew up being sexually abused and this guy showed me that sex could be something more than ugly. He was Italian and boosted on how good of lovers Italians are - and he was. After he told me he was getting married he wanted to continue the affair but I said no. I did seriously contemplate suicide I was so devastated. When he would show up late at night for sex I had no will power to refuse him - I loved him. Then I met my husband whom I had been pen pals with for a couple months and we were married 11 days later. Fast forward 15 years when I find out he had been having an affair for 1 1/2 years with a teenager. Talk of devastation! But I choose to stay with him for all the wrong reasons: two kids, marriage vows, and believed if we said married the courts would go easier on him (she was a minor but also found to be the aggressor in the relationship), and not wanting to face family who said the marriage would never last.

Because of the kids I stuffed it all for 10 years until the were grown, then went into a deep depression. I was able to afford a year of intense counseling with a good Christian counselor and able to start functioning again. My daughter, who was 16 then, has never forgiven me for not being there that year for her. I had been homeschooling her plus working full time. I was only able to keep working - her schooling she had a choice whether to continue on her own. go back to public school or go to work. She choose work and making bad choices.

I have never fully trusted my husband. For me I had to trust him through God because I could not. Because of his choices back then, and probably mine for staying, our lives have not been easy. Hardest part of it all is that he is sorry for getting caught, but not sorry for violating our marriage vows. About a year after his conviction (fortunately it was before having to register as sex offenders for the rest of your life) I sent him and the kids back east to visit his family. The kids mentioned daddy had been in jail (they didn't know why), so my in-laws who never liked me for taking their son away, assumed it was my doing that put him there. When he came home and told me, I made him call and tell them what he did. They still blamed me!

We both like to do the same things, so that has been what saved any relationship. Shortly after the affair I did the normal - ask all the questions of where, when, how often etc. and I also wanted sex all the time (even though it tore me up inside) to prove I was better! Foolish. A few years after, he started having ED problems and by the time he was 50 he no longer could sustain an erection. I kind of felt it was his punishment. I always hoped that after the kids left, we would follow our dream of hitting the road in our RV working our way around the country and we could rebuild our marriage. It started that way but 3 years out (age 59) he was diagnosed with 'dementia of the Alzhiemer's type'. Horrible as it is I have thoughts that he got what he deserved, problem is I am also living it.

So yes it hurts. Doesn't matter whether you are married or in a committed relationship - betrayal hurts, tears you up inside, and can leave you wondering if you can go on, every trust again. After 30 years I still do not trust him even though there is no chance of him being unfaithful and he is more like my child that husband. It has been harder because he always developed good relationships with fellow female employees. We still live in our motorhome and there are a couple women neighbors he confides in. I found out he did/does this because they sometimes tell me. That hurts to and adds to not wanting to trust him.

Until he dies I don't know if I will be able to trust another man. I have been betrayed since childhood by men and boys. I got married at 18 - moved from home to marriage so it will be a whole new world being single. Plus, after this surgery I have no idea what sex will be like. You that have commented her so far have had experience moving on. I don't know if I will. There is still the hurt - not so much that he had the affair because I have gotten over that, but that he has never told me he was sorry for hurting me, the kids and breaking his promise to me, only sorry he got caught. He did tell me that secretly he was hoping she would get pregnant because I never could and he want his own bio child, not adopted ones.

There are free counseling services out there that can be good. After I went through my counseling I went trained to be a lay counselor and did that for three years - then we moved again. Three of the best and rewarding years of my life. I did all kinds but specialized in women who were abused as children.

Do you journal? When I was going through counseling my journals helped me a lot. I always had clients do it too. In writing often our answers will come to us - I call it the answers between the lines! (((hugs))) to you. Please concentrate on physical healing then you will be better able to deal with the emotional decisions you need to make. You are strong - you can do it.

Kahlo, I am very sorry for what you are going through. It is a lot to process and deal with, and having major surgery to heal from as well must be very difficult.

You have received some kind and thoughtful responses. Personally, I never judge and I wouldn't presume to tell anyone what they "should" do or feel in any certain situation. I agree with you that none of us truly can know how we would react until we are actually in that situation.

Since you are unable yo talk to anyone about what is going on, I agree that journaling can be very therapeutic. You get to say everything you're thinking and feeling and help work your way through it. Hopefully you can continue the counselling, or even pursue relationship counselling.

i am sorry you are hurting A couple of websites you may find helpful are:

www.drphil.com and www.marriagebuilders.com

I am sending you huge

It pains me to read of your struggles. I haven't read the other replies and apologize if I give advice you've already been given. I'm going to get straight to the point, so please don't think that I am being cold because my heart truly bleeds for you.
First let me say that it has been proven that stress can hamper healing. Put YOU first during this time.
As far as your relationship goes, you know what you want. FORGET what everyone else thinks. Seriously. This was the hardest thing for me to do when my ex cheated on me, but I realized that I couldn't base my decisions on what his parents, or anyone else thought because I was the one who had to live with those decisions. You have made the decision to stay together. He has proven that he is willing to do whatever it takes to maintain the relationship. So, it seems that you are standing in your own way. This is good news because it means you have control, whether you feel that way or not. Here's where it gets hard. You need to forgive him and let it go, (not forget). No, it's not easy. No, it won't happen overnight. I know you are the victim, here, but you need to do your part if you want to stay with him. You can't continue to hold this over his head or he will eventually resent you and it will eat you up inside. Let me reiterate the fact that, (from what I have read), HE IS AT FAULT. There is little that you could have done to prevent him from fulfilling this long-time fantasy. Stop yourself from replaying the scenario over and over in your head, trying to figure out how you could have prevented it. I felt I had to know every single disgusting detail of my ex's affair. I needed to analyze it, to figure out where I went wrong. But he never gave me details. I wasted precious time trying to figure out "why" when I should have been working on moving past it. And it truly doesn't matter, anyway.
My ex began an affair and eventually left me for her. I wanted him back because we had a child together and I envisioned spending the rest of my life with him. He told me he needed to "find" himself the very day I picked out my wedding gown. He blindsided me. Never saw it coming. Everything I knew was a lie. The shock was the hardest hurdle to get over.
I know our situations differ, but it all boils down to making a decision and making it work. Bottom line: You need to rebuild this relationship. It's not the same, anymore. Sit down, once again, and talk it out. Agree to be 100% honest. Stop with the accusations every time he leaves, but definitely take advantage of his "open door" invitation to his email/computer. (After all, accusations won't stop him from cheating. The smartest way to catch a cheater is to stay quiet, then bust him when his guard is down.) You can't move forward by constantly bringing up the past. Do let him know when he is being suspicious, though. Finally, he needs to cut all ties with this toxic couple. He is NOT allowed to have his cake and eat it too. If you are going to do your part by not focusing on his betrayal, then he better **** well choose you over this couple. That's how you know where his loyalty lies. No contact with either one of them ever again.
I hope at least one thing I said helps you. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. Keep us informed with your progress, and remember to focus on healing.