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I feel like I am going crazy - WARNING - a little long... I feel like I am going crazy - WARNING - a little long...

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Unread 05-15-2002, 05:58 PM
I feel like I am going crazy - WARNING - a little long...

Hi Susan

Glad to hear you have the private messages (I've only sent 2 since the original one - hope they helped a little)

Yesterday the 15th was 7 months since my surgery, my DH and I were talking and more of his fears, feelings of being inadequate to help me and some regrets, came out yes 7 months after the event!!! So although your DH says he is no worried or concerned in anyway. I would hazard a guess that he is doing the 'boy' thing being silent and brave as it is the only way that they can cope. Heaven forbid that they confess to any feelings of not being able to "fix and protect" you. Try not to be too hard on him. (I am fully aware that is hard to do) I was a raging lunitic and was so angry with mine that I cut him out for the first year, would not let him come to any of my Dr's appointments. Would barely tell him what was said or done, or what the results were. I just didn't think he was interested! But that was MY fear and anger taking over, and not one single rational thought came into my head during that time.

The best news is that DH and I have become closer and talk more honestly now than we have ever done. So if I can say this, it is that the whole scary thing was in a bizzare way worth it for us.

Thankfully with each clear pap that fear subsided, although my Dr always kept me grounded with the fact that surgery was going to happen, like it or not. But I had to come to that in my own time, I promise you I spent the whole of the two years tossing and turning on what I was doing and if in fact I was sane to wait so long. But for me I had to, I was not ready to cope any sooner.

You say that you don't feel as if you are maternal at all. My DH and I were married almost 18 years before I was diagnosed and I never fell pregnant even though we rarely, if ever used contraceptives. During all that time I can honestly say I never had any buring urge, and besides I thought we had all the time in the world. We had a good life living in 3 different countries in 15 years. We had 7 nephews, 1 neice, many god children and assorted friends kids, in and out of our home, so I never lacked a child to hold or teach or play with. I always hoped and prayed that it would just happen and then I wouldn't have to make the choice. (YES I WAS/AM A BIG TIME CHICKEN!)

For ME it was only when I realised that time had run out and that nothing was going to make it possible to have a child of my own that I felt such a desperate loss. Which is why I couldn't have the surgery when everyone was telling me it had to be done. I had to try, to make sure it wasn't possible before I could finally let go.

I asked my Dr why I had never had so much as an infection show up with all my previous pap smears, then suddenly there was this extensive AIS. He said that in my case and in many others it starts off so high up in the cervix, that it is not possible to reach it while doing a pap. Only when it moves down a fraction as mine did were they able to detect it. (I was very lucky that it had moved down before becoming fully cancerous)

So after all that boring waffle what I'm trying to say is that you are not odd, and yes all your feelings are valid as they are YOUR feelings. Each of us is different and I'm sure dozens of other sisters reading this will think I was completely out of my mind waiting. But that is the point we each do things in our own way and time. But it helps to hear and process other people's thoughts before we choose our own road to travel. (Don't forget your Dr is there to help and support you, if you feel he is not or that you don't trust him, then find another that you are comfortable with)

Take care and keep talking it does help. Don't forget you can e-mail or send a private message anytime. I'm happy to answer any thing you ask.

((((((((HUGS))))))))
Caraj
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