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Not telling a soul! Not telling a soul!

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Unread 05-24-2002, 06:43 PM
Not telling a soul!

I am an extremely private person who cannot stand having people hovering and fussing over me or pretending they care when they don't. Therefore only my dh and adult dd know about my upcoming surgery. I'll cook and freeze in advance, my dh will take a week off, and my dd will come by if needed. She lives and works about an hour away.
I work from home and have told my clients I'll be away for two weeks. I figure I can work at my computer after that.
Am I the only one who kept her surgery a secret? I know most people crave support and kinship, especially when they're feeling poorly, but I prefer being left alone.
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Unread 05-24-2002, 07:00 PM
Not telling a soul!

Hi, Chuckles -

Not me - I'm the exact opposite of you - I told EVERYONE!! But we are all different, and you need to do what works for you. More than likely, between your husband and your daughter, you'll do fine. My only caution would be that if you find you DO need help, seek it, and don't let your desire for privacy outweigh your need for assistance, should there come a time when they are both working and you need something that can't wait till they get there.

There are people who will neither fuss nor hover, but will just be there briefly if you need it - and there are those that DO care :-). I had several neighbors who just dropped by once or twice for a minute to see how I was, and brought by a meal (I had told them I'd be fine with my hubby's Healthy Choice meal selection, and I would have been. But it was awfully nice, and made me feel good). They had it in a disposable container, and just left it for me to eat when I felt like it . Another just called and told me to let her know if I needed anything. I got to a point where I needed to go to the store, and called her. She was delighted to take me.

Unread 05-24-2002, 07:04 PM
Not telling a soul!

I have only told people close to me. At first I wasn't going to tell my boss. I told her I wanted July off and she said okay, but then she started asking me if I would teach just one class a week in july(I teach ballet). I felt like I had to tell her then. I told her I wasn't telling people and she promised not to tell anyone. My reason is different than yours though. I just feel like most people don't have a clue about this and I have found that people give very naive advice and make comments that I'd rather not hear, like "that's so drastic!!!" or "are you done having kids?" I guess part of it is that I am a bit private when it comes to my gynecological problems.....I do not want to discuss them with people that I'm not really close to. Whatever the reason, you have a right to keep it private....just think, you don't have to deal with unwanted advice and comments. I personally like it when people take care of me....I guess because I'm always taking care of everyone else, it's nice to be pampered sometimes.

Good luck with your surgery
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Unread 05-24-2002, 07:07 PM
Not telling a soul!

I've told my closest friends and family and have had to sift and sort thru all the advice, opinions, and stories. I have come to my own terms on my surgery however, and am looking forward to some pampering and flowers! I am one of those who always takes care of others---will be interesting to see how i do with others trying to take care of me!!
Unread 05-24-2002, 08:12 PM
Not telling a soul!

Even though I post frequently here, I am actually very private. Like you I preferred to keep my personal life private. However, I teach and I have 2 assistants. There was no way to keep everything quiet. I tried at first. I only told 1 of my assistants (who is very close to me) and the principal. Due to all the testing, medical appointments, and therapy, I was having to either leave early, come in late, or be out. I tried to schedule everything outside of school hours, but that is impossible. Shortly, after I told these 2 people, other staff members started asking me personal questions. I was rather amazed. I had not given administration permission to share my confidences.

Reluctantly, I began to answer questions about my medical problems. I still feel uneasy having people I work with knowing my personal information.

I had planned to schedule my surgery during the summer to keep everything private. But due to the amount of surgery, my doctors wanted me to take a 12 medical leave. We have exactly 8 weeks during the summer.

It has also had an up side. I have been inundated with cards, letters, gifts, phone calls, and visits. They are all very kind. However, if it could have been possible, I still would have preferred my privacy.

Unread 05-24-2002, 08:15 PM
Not telling a soul!

Rayna, I am sorry that you were unable to keep your medical matters as private as you would have liked. but at least there was an upside to the news getting out.
Unread 05-24-2002, 08:33 PM
Not telling a soul!

Hi Ladies,

I'm pretty private and do NOT like hovering! I prefer to be left alone to die when I'm sick. However, I learned after having knee surgery (ACL reconstruction) that I have to take it easy and listen to my body.

I told my boss (a male who asked if I'd researched HRT and its relationship to breast cancer!) and some close friends at work. What I find bizarre is that the more I talk the more I find out how many other women I know have already been through this and are doing great! Makes me wonder what planet I've been on!

In any case, Chuckies, you're fortunate that you have family nearby to help, but I'm with Alisa --- do ask for help if you need it!

Unread 05-24-2002, 08:35 PM
Not telling a soul!

Dear Chuckies,

I choose to only tell a few people too. It was actually my Mom who's response bothered me the most! She came up with several problems to throw my way, things like, "how are you going to use the bathroom when you only have one and it's downstairs?" and "who's going to do the cooking?" I was crushed that she would create problems rather than be supportive! To this day, she has not offered to help, just complained that she can't be with me to help because she's in poor health and lives several states away. To tell the truth, I wouldn't want her here! So, anyway, my point is that I understand not wanting to deal with telling a lot of people. Who needs the stress they bring?

I have it in my mind that nobody will be helping me, other than DH and his Mom, and so if somebody does actually stop by with food, I'll be doubly delighted and surprised!

Unread 05-24-2002, 09:59 PM
Not telling a soul!

Hi, Lauren - I can feel how frustrated you are with your Mom.

To me, it often feels like they're asking stuff like that because they think we're too stupid to think of those things :-). Which may be EXACTLY what they're thinking.

On the other hand, perhaps she is asking those questions because she wants so much to be there and can't, and that she is, in her way, trying to help. Those may be things she is concerned about you being able to do, and she wants to feel reassured that there are solutions to them, and that you'll be ok (without her), as opposed to trying to create problems. Because those ARE things we need to think about post op. I find it helps ME (ie my stress level) with relatives like that to try to remember that they love us and that they mean well.

But I can believe that you would probably find it a pain to have her there :-). And this may be what Chuckies was referring to - some folks, however well meaning (somehow it seems to be relatives more than friends) can be stressful to have around at the BEST of times, let alone when we're not our best. I think they're the ones who tend to hover, as Chuckies so aptly put it.

OK, enough blabbering..I think I better go to sleep and put my addled brain out of its misery for the night!

Unread 05-24-2002, 11:36 PM
Not telling a soul!

When I'm ready, I plan to tell the world. I want chocolate, flowers, books, cards and happy thoughts. I want people to deliver sushi, pizza and in the early days at home, Jell-O, Yoplait Whips and Gatorade. I want people washing my car, walking my dogs and generally being helpful and kind. That's why we have loved ones. Surgery is nothing to be ashamed of -- there's no requirement to entertain people. You can sit like a lump and catch up on movies you haven't seen.


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