Upcoming hysterectomy 2/26: Devastated...my fiance might not get here | HysterSisters
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Upcoming hysterectomy 2/26: Devastated...my fiance might not get here Upcoming hysterectomy 2/26: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

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  #1  
Unread 02-20-2016, 12:59 PM
Upcoming hysterectomy 2/26: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

My fiance lives almost 1,000 miles away from me and we've been planning on him coming up to help care for me after surgery because my mom (who I live with) is leaving town for a month just a few days after my surgery. Unfortunately he suffers from agoraphobia and panic attacks when faced with the thought of travelling or leaving his home for any length of time. I lived for many years with panic attacks and severe depression (I'm okay now), so I understand just how overwhelming they can be.

Last 4th of July he was supposed to come up here to meet the family. He purchased a first class ticket so that he would be most comfortable. The commuter flight to Dallas went smoothly. But, once in Dallas, the connecting flight here was delayed several times, and both the original flight and the next one they scheduled were cancelled. After spending 12 hours in the Dallas airport, he flew back home. That experience, of course, just reinforced his travel anxiety. I was upset at the time because it felt like he didn't care enough to overcome his anxiety.

It's not just me. He has cancelled the last few plans to travel with his siblings to Disney and Vegas. Trips that were months in the planning. He just couldn't overcome his anxiety. So, of course, when he said he was going to come here to be with me after surgery, I was leery.

We talked at length last night after he decided to drive here instead of flying figuring that driving would allow him to have more control.

I just got off the phone with him. He had a severe anxiety attack last night and doesn't know if he can make it here. Hearing those words made my heart ache and my mind race with thoughts of how I would manage on my own. We were both sobbing. He feels useless and undeserving. I feel devastated and unsupported. My head knows that it's not because he doesn't love me, but it still feels that way.

I know I'll be okay. My twins are 17 and I'm trying to get their driver's licenses before my surgery so they can run errands or drive themselves if needed for any reason. They're pretty self-sufficient, and they'll be able to help me. My mom will also be there for those first couple days.

I want him here more for the emotional support than because I expect to need physical support. I'm actually afraid to tell my mother that he might not be coming. I'm afraid that she will be furious with him, and wracked with anxiety at the thought of leaving me without support. I feel silly being 58 years old and still worried about what my mother thinks.

Mom and I talked to my regular gyn and the gyn oncologist who will perform the surgery, and neither feel that the surgery should be delayed for a month while mom is out of town, so that's not an option.

I know that I'm a strong woman, and I will survive this, too. I'm devastated to think that my relationship might not.

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  #2  
Unread 02-20-2016, 01:49 PM
Re: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

That is disheartening. I know you can understand some of his anxiety but you need to focus on yourself and not worry about your relationship right now. Call it selfish, but you need to be that right now. We are all here for you as well to offer support, kind words, encouragement and understanding.
  #3  
Unread 02-20-2016, 03:03 PM
Re: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

If what you mainly want from him is emotional support, maybe you can arrange some way for that to happen from afar. Daily calls or Skype or face time, for example. If he's your fiance and you live so far apart, this sounds like an ongoing issue, and not one that's going to change any time soon, regardless of surgery. And this may not be the time to work that out, when you're stressed. It's possible to recover alone, many of us have, but it's different when you actually prefer to have company. I think keeping in touch will be important so you don't feel neglected, and if you can get a routine established for that, it may help, something like a daily call at a set time. I hope you can get through this time, remember it's likely to be a time of mixed emotions no matter what.
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  #4  
Unread 02-20-2016, 04:30 PM
Re: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

  Quote:
Originally Posted by Unda57 View Post
...I know I'll be okay. My twins are 17 and I'm trying to get their driver's licenses before my surgery so they can run errands or drive themselves if needed for any reason. They're pretty self-sufficient, and they'll be able to help me. My mom will also be there for those first couple days.

I want him here more for the emotional support than because I expect to need physical support. I'm actually afraid to tell my mother that he might not be coming. I'm afraid that she will be furious with him, and wracked with anxiety at the thought of leaving me without support. I feel silly being 58 years old and still worried about what my mother thinks...
Consider lying. I'm serious. Listening to your mother's fury is not what you need right now. Tell her that he'll be slightly delayed because he discovered that his car needs work in order to make the trip safely. His current ETA is the day after she leaves. Encourage her to enjoy her trip and assure her that the twins will take good care of you until he arrives.

Once recovery is over and you back to being yourself, then confess.

You *will* be fine. I live on my own with two cats, doing recovery on my own was great. :-) It's just... you'll be *more* fine without additional drama from your mother.
  #5  
Unread 02-21-2016, 01:33 AM
Re: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

To be honest, and I really hope this doesn't sound too harsh, it seems like his problems will over-shadow your recovery. Because once he gets to your place, he's only going to be stressing about the return trip. So tell him to stay where he is, communicate every day via phone and let yourself have the most stress free recovery you can.

As for your mother...inform her that due to things beyond your control, your partner will not be coming and that's the end of the discussion. Put your hand up and walk away if she continues to try and argue about it. It's none of her business.

Then sit your teenagers down and explain that during your recovery is the time for them to act like responsible adults, contribute to the chores and help you as best they can.

Good luck
  #6  
Unread 02-21-2016, 04:02 AM
Upcoming hysterectomy 2/26: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

As a person who lives with agoraphobia and crippling anxiety for the past 10 years I know firsthand how devastating it is to you for not receiving support you need and also for him for not being able to provide the support you need during this time.

I do have sympathy for your fiancé as I wish it was easy to just overcome anxiety. If that was the case most of us wouldn't be agoraphobic if we could just deal with it. If he can't fly that far then it is understandable that he can't drive the distance either.

Put yourself first even though it hurts he's not going to be there. He will be there in spirit and you know he will be thinking about you.

With all of the wonderful technology, if you can FaceTime each other or use Skype or even text messaging you will be able to feel some support. It's no where near the support you were looking for but at least there will be some support from your fiancé.

Try not to think about the relationship during this time. You need to heal first and have your needs met and hopefully your teenage can help you get grouch that.

I sincerely want to wish you all the best! 😊
  #7  
Unread 02-21-2016, 05:58 PM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 2/26: Devastated...my fiance might not get here



Now is the time for you. Think about yourself first. Put those twins to use. Face time and phone call will help you get through your emotion time with your Fiancé.

Your Hyster Sisters are here to encourage you alone the way. You are not alone.

  #8  
Unread 02-21-2016, 06:13 PM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 2/26: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

I know it's disappointing that he maybe won't be there because psychologically and emotionally it is perfectly normal to want him to be physically present.

I also couldn't agree more with what everyone has said. I'm 10 days post op and my DH has been gone on 5 week o/s trip for the last week, so he was only around the first few days of my recovery. And to be honest, I'm getting better (practical) help from my kids, mother and friends than I did from him! Now he's gone we Skype once a day and that's enough for me to feel his love.

Focus on getting yourself mentally and emotionally prepared. Be clear to everyone around you what your boundaries are, and look forward to a path of strong and effective healing.
  #9  
Unread 02-25-2016, 12:32 AM
UPDATE: Upcoming hysterectomy 2/26: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

Thank you for your words of support and encouragement!


It looks like my fiance has been able to work through his anxiety and agoraphobia and will be able to make it here after all! He had a couple of minor panic attacks after the big one last week, but he was able to work through them and still plans on driving up here.

I have only the tiniest bit of doubt that he'll be able to make it. I know though that once he gets in the car and starts driving that he's going to get here.

Once this trip is under his belt, the next will be easier. It gives me hope that we'll still be able to travel one of these days...especially if we're traveling together!

It appears that old dogs CAN learn new tricks! Many thanks again!
  #10  
Unread 02-25-2016, 07:12 AM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 2/26: Devastated...my fiance might not get here

Your fiance sounds like a "keeper." I'm blown away by the strength and determination he's showing in working through his own psych issues in order to be there for you. :-)
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