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I really need some feedback (sorry...really long) I really need some feedback (sorry...really long)

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Unread 05-30-2002, 07:02 PM
I really need some feedback (sorry...really long)


I've written before and talked about having a history of depression. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has been in overdrive due to issues beyond the hysterectomy. The surgery certainly doesn't help it. Here's my fear. Or one of them. I have been suicidal at some level a good portion of my life. It manifested itself in anorexia, and other stuff, but I've always managed to stay on top of the feelings. I have Multiple Sclerosis also, which is adding to everything. Found out I'm likely to lose my mobility within not too many years. I just got a brace for my left leg. It works great, but makes the disease much more real...

Okay, back to the issue. I've read people's fears regarding death. My fear is not that the surgery will kill me, but that at some level, I don't want to make it. I don't want to wake up. I'm at a very transitional point in my life where I don't know what the next step is going to bring, so I don't have anything to latch onto following surgery. My roommate is wonderful. But if anyone has ever felt this way, you know that relationships aren't always enough to make holding on seem possible. Clinical depression doesn't follow rhyme or reason. What if my head/heart decides to give up? I see a therapist and I'll be talking to him, definitely, but I wondered if anyone else felt like this. And yes, I pray. I'm in the process of converting to Judaism (from Catholicism) and feel very centered in my faith. I have plenty of support. Life has just been such a struggle and I am very, very tired.

Also, I found out that I might be on an ob floor--post-partum. I requested not to be, but I have to check into it more. Where do most people go? I figured it would just be a surgical floor. It was when I had my laparotomy several years ago... Thanks.
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Unread 05-30-2002, 08:06 PM
I really need some feedback (sorry...really long)

Wow Elizabeth

I'm so sorry that you're struggling with so much. I can't relate to everything, but I can relate to clinical depression and its very real and capricious effects in my life. If I had a great answer or magic solution, believe me, I would share it. All I know to do is to watch out for the earliest warning signs and then try to adjust and seek help. For me, it is a feeling of impending doom and almost like I am being sucked towards a big dark hole. I've also learned that I can't take care of it myself and sometimes have to turn to medication to help.

I don't know if I'll ever really beat it, but I do know that over the last few years, I've been able to stave off the really bad episodes.

I'll pray for you and keep you in my thoughts.

Unread 05-30-2002, 08:10 PM
I really need some feedback (sorry...really long)

{{{{{Elizabeth}}}}}} PLEASE call your therapist and discuss your feelings. You're having such a hard time right now...and your therapist may be able to help you through this.

You can also contact the hospital and request surgical floor as opposed to OB...I've known others that have done this.

I will say some special prayers for you...and will keep you in my thoughts. PLEASE keep us updated.

Also..the "prayer request forum" on this site is a wonderful place to get support.

We're here for you...but please call your therapist.
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Unread 05-30-2002, 08:26 PM
I really need some feedback (sorry...really long)

Hi, Elizabeth,

I agree with Dot. Although I have lots of personal experience with depression, your history and your fears are out of my realm of experience. I feel that your fears must be taken very seriously.

Please discuss these fears with your therapist, and also with your surgeon. These health care professionals need to know that you fear that your unconscious mind might choose not to wake up from anesthesia.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Please don't enter the hospital before you tell your therapist and your doctor about the way you feel. We're your Hystersisters, and we care very much about you. We don't want you to fall into harm's way.

Sending healing hugs,
Unread 05-30-2002, 08:58 PM
I really need some feedback (sorry...really long)

Just a note that I definitely intend to talk to my therapist. I don't mess around with these feelings. I've already talked to my roommate and intend to talk to a couple of close friends prior to surgery. Thank you for the support. Please keep it coming. The depression is difficult to describe. It isn't the bottomless pit anymore. It's more like standing in the middle of Siberia--a vast nothingness. I've gotten through this so many times before, but I'm going to be a lot more vulnerable. Oy.
Unread 05-30-2002, 10:43 PM
So sorry


I truly hope you're taking medication for your depression, and if you are, you may need to try something different or a combination of different meds. Although I do not suffer from depression, my mother and grandmother do and medication has helped them almost 100%. I don't completely understand their feelings, but see it first hand daily. In fact, I must admit, my grandmother's depression did not become apparent until after her total hyst + removal of ovaries in her late 30's. This is my biggest fear.

My second daughter suffered from anorexia last year at age 11/12 (20 lbs lighter than today) and the lack of food sent her into an angry, depressed state. She's much happier eating and healthy, but didn't realize why she felt that way at the time. Once she started eating again, her true inner beauty came through and made her happy. She truly thought that skinny would make her happy. However, she still experiments with "not eating" and I always know from her mood or attitude. We have many, many talks about this.

Elizabeth (my middle name and quite beautiful), make a list of the reasons you want to live. Keep it under your pillow, in your pocket, in your purse, by your side and read it often. No doubt, there are people around you who would suffer more if you were not here. Suicide, in my opinion, is a selfish act and hurts everyone but you. (I had a close friend who committed suicide.) I can tell you're beautiful, intelligent, and meaningful in someone's life. Think of ways you can help others with your talents and focus on that. It will boost your pride and give you a reason to live.

God Bless!


P.S. My hometown is St. Charles, Illinois.
Unread 05-31-2002, 08:21 PM
I really need some feedback (sorry...really long)

Just wanted to clarify that I no longer have an eating disorder. As a matter of fact, my recovery from that is one of the things I am most proud of. The recovery rate is really low, and I did it!!! I haven't had any "symptoms" for 13+ years. (I was in a great treatment program for a VERY long time.) Worked my butt off (or on, in this case!) Food and weight are "non-issues." Actually, my weight is a little above average now. Oh well. I'm a helluva lot happier than when I was starving. There isn't time to have a life AND an eating disorder. What a bunch of wasted years! I wish depression could be combatted in the same way, but it's so physiological. I have established really good coping skills. It's like I said... I'm just so tired. Life is a very conscious effort and some days it just gets so burdensome. I like my life, but I don't think it will ever be "easy." Most days I'm okay with that. I'm just scared that given the opportunity to "go to sleep", it would be easy to just kind of fade out.
Unread 06-01-2002, 05:30 PM
I really need some feedback....

Dear Elizabeth,

After reading your thread, my heart just aches for you! It sounds like you've had many hurdles in your life but you've beat them! I know you are somebody special! You've once again, come to the right place for support concerning your surgery so you're half way there! At the risk of repeating what our other sisters said, please do talk to your DR about feeling like you won't wake up.

It's hard enough just getting through this surgery without battling depression! Just keep reminding yourself that depression is an illness and it's the illness that is making you feel the way you do and not your OWN, TRUE personality!!

I know the facts probably won't change your feelings but consider this: Each year more than 570,000 women in the United States have a hysterectomy. It is the SECOND most common surgical procedure done in the US and most women are between the ages of 20 and 49.

I think you may feel like you might not wake up but feelings do not control surgical procedures. Right? There's no way around it - it's going to be stressful but you can do this too! I know you can! This has got to be a piece of cake compared to all else you've overcome! You will wake up! You will get through this! Now you've got so many sisters who care for you and are thinking about you. Just keep telling yourself, I will wake up, I will wake up. The more adjusted you are before surgery, the easier your recovery will be.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing. We all care about you.

Unread 06-01-2002, 06:20 PM
I really need some feedback (sorry...really long)

I care. Please come back and post often. Tell us how you're doing. I go to the Castle on Tuesday. Please take care....

Unread 06-02-2002, 09:46 AM

My heart truly goes out to you. You sound pretty strong to me to have gotten through all the hurdles you have. Please remember that. You have to put some effort into this right now even if you feel tired.

I've worked in a mental health agency for 10 years now in different positions. Right now I'm in the managed care aspect. Although I'm not trained in the clinical aspects of mental health, from working there so long with therapists and psychiatrists, I have learned quite a bit about depression. I feel most people would be somewhat depressed having to endure all you have, but I'm afraid yours goes deeper. I can't stress enough that you must see a psychiatrist to have your meds monitored for this situation or even changed at least temporarily. You must do this. Also, you must put your trust and some time into your therapist. Friends are great for support but you need professional help right now. You must also notify your surgeon of this so he sets up the proper care for you in the hospital. The ob ward is not the place for you to be.

Please let us know how things turn out. This is a great place to be. The people on this site REALLY care.

Best of Luck to You.


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