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Help!!! I'm Falling Apart!! Help!!! I'm Falling Apart!!

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Unread 06-05-2002, 09:33 AM
Help!!! I'm Falling Apart!!

I know we went through this last week or so when Pasderchat's DH was insensitive and made her cry,.......... and I defended BOTH sides,... one, we gotta stick up for eachother, but secondly, remember that our DH's are under tremendous stress about all this too,.........
Okay, but forget all that just for a moment, and let me say what a real poop my DH was last night.
I was soooooooo exhausted (seems I am getting more & more every day), and after running erronds, and doing all sorts of shopping, incl. groceries (with 3 small children in tote),.. I was so tired I was fighting to keep my eyes open,... at only 5:30 PM.
DH calls on his cellphone on his way home from work, as he always does so we can talk, etc. I wasn't into the conversation, but was trying very hard to listen and keep up with what he was saying about his day, but it was obvious I was practically on another planet. One of our children walks up to me, and asks a question so I missed ONE sentence of what he said. He gets all honkerblonky (is that okay to say?) and decides that I am not listening & have no interest in what he has to say. I try to tell him otherwise, and to please just tell me what the last sentence he said was, and why I missed it. I tried to reassure him I was interested and listening,... just so very tired. He repeated over and over he had nothing more to say to me, and finally my anger kicked in, the adrenalin shot up, and I raised my voice and snapped at him that all I wanted was for him to at least tell me what he had said,.. just that ONE sentence I had missed due to the child was all! He started to say something, I don't know what because I hung up on him.
I hadn't sat down all day, so I decided to, and found an old movie in progress, and started watching it. He arrives home, and so I quickly run out back and fire up the BBQ to throw the steaks on for him,... took all of 2 minutes, and I come back, and he's channel surfing,.. no hello, looks at me, glares, and says "what?!"........ me: 'huh???' So I ask what his problem is, and why is he treating me this way when I wasn't trying to make him feel ignored or anything, and that I HAD been listening, I was interested, and so on & so on........ I'm just so tired. His response? He says... YOU'RE tired? Like I'm not,.. I worked all day too doing stuff,.. I had a long day too, but I still talk to you, and show interest, blah, blah, blah... then goes into how I always have an excuse don't I........ I ask what that means... Translation he says is that I conveniently always have all these different 'medical' problems and reasons to blame everything on..... I couldn't tell you whatall was said,.. only that I got so upset, hurt, and offended (not to mention I just got my LAST Aunt Flo that morning, and it is AWFUL).... since the kids were nearby, and I don't like them hearing arguments,.. I silently mouthed a few things I REALLY wish I hadn't. And then he got up, grabbed his keys and left. He came back several hours later after the kids & I had gone to bed,.. I wasn't asleep though..... I was exhausted beyond belief, and faded in & out, but with being so upset, and all the adrenaline and pain I was in (not even my celebrex & 1000mg of vicodin helped last night)...... I couldn't fall asleep. I've been having headaches, and horrible back pain, hot flashes, waking 40 times a night for the past 2 weeks since I found out my castle date,.... and I was having all my pains, and cramps, and aches that shot up into my ribs and my shoulder blade, and down my hips, one clear into my knee....... and I couldn't sleep either until I had a chance to apologize for my part in our 'tiff',.. for what I had silently mouthed... (which was *FU* and I really h8 your guts right now.......... OMG, I can't believe I did that!!!!!! WHERE did THAT come from, ya' know???)
Anyway,.... I heard him come in, and go take a shower, and whatnot.... then I got up and went out to see him,.. he just glared at me, then went over and sat on the couch and acted like I wasn't there... so I just told him I just wanted to say I was sorry for my part,.. then I turned and went back to bed. He stayed up with the TV on for hours, and slept on the couch...... I must've woke a hundred times last night with aches and pains, and hot flashes last night. Anyway, never said one word to me, no note this morning, no nothing, and haven't heard from him yet,... maybe he'll cool down by the time he gets home tonight. I told him though that I can't handle this crap right now... I have TOO much stressing me out with surgery and now finding out I prob. have bad osteoporosis at MY age to boot......... I had told him if he's going to pull this on me, then I don't want him around me because I can't deal with it and recover properly.
I just feel like now, well, if I'm such a problem then maybe I should just cancel everything, and go off and wilt away........ he's making me feel awful, and that all I care about is myself,... Am I really being so terrible & everything? Am I really being selfish and self-indulgent? I can't help it right now,.. ALL I can seem to think about is my surgery and what all is wrong with me,.. and it's NOT an excuse to blame things on,.. this stuff is REAL............
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Unread 06-05-2002, 09:47 AM
Hang in there!!

I can so relate to what you are saying. MY DH is not understanding at all when it comes to my female problems. He too makes the comment that I always am sick, etc. The other night we argued and he made the comment, "Oh great, I can see what the 19th is going to bring. If you are this B**chy no I can only image what I will have to put up with after your surgery!" What he will have to put up with??? Do they think we like feeling so out of control???? I could've strangled him!! Instead I silently cried. He left and went for a walk with our son. When he came back, I think he felt bad because he tried to be really nice. I know I'm not the easiest thing to live with right now, but I really have no control over the hormonal mess and pain I'm in. Sorry to ramble on, what I really wanted to say, is I can appreciate how you are feeling. I have no advice on what to say to your DH, but I do know you have to concentrate on yourself right now. I hope he comes around and stops giving you such a hard time. You just take care of yourself!!
Unread 06-05-2002, 09:53 AM
Help!!! I'm Falling Apart!!

I hear ya!

Only suggestion I have is to breathe deeply, talk softly and take care of yourself for now. Quitely, tell him you love him and thank him for his support. (bite your lip if you have to) Let everything else go. Repeat to yourself, " and this too shall pass."

I've been married 32're not alone.

Good luck with your surgery...
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Unread 06-05-2002, 09:56 AM
Hi Tahnee

Here are some 's for you. I hope things are calming down for you and DH.
You are in a normal (unfortunately) state for what you are going through right now. It is a time when we are all pretty scared, emotional, tired, emotional, stressed, self-indulgent, emotional, sensitive, selfish, hurting, ...did I say emotional?
Anyway try not to be too hard on yourself or DH if you can. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Have some alone time where you can think or cry or write out everything that is going on. It needs to come out somehow.
Try talking to DH when you are both calm and ask him to hang in there a while longer. This too shall pass for both of you. Alot of men just don't deal with this very well.
Do everything you can to help yourself feel better today.
Perhaps you can schedule a day with DH where you both take a vacation from the Pre-Op Surgery Blues . A day when you are feeling okay and not having pain (I hope you have a few of those days). And just relax and enjoy an activity together that you both like. Don't talk about or think about the surgery. I know this might be easier said than done, but give it a try. Let me know how it goes okay?
Hang in there.
Unread 06-05-2002, 10:01 AM
tell me about it!

I have been more tired now then I have EVER been....Even after both pregnancies. I am the type of person that acts like all is wonderful in the world, dont whine, or tell him when sex hurts like crazy, i havent told him how scared I am or any of that what did he say to me? DH actually said "I hope you dont lose your sex drive, or there could be problems" I know we have sex alot and its on my mind too, but..if he were impotent, i would love him that set me off with this whole worried about post surgery sex drive. Men can be very insensitive to what us women go through..but hey, forget them, do what makes you feel best for the moment and deal with it when you return to nrmal...thats what I am going to do..and if he leaves me cause i cant or dont want to preform.. bye...I will let him go on hi marry way and laugh at him when he crashes and burns...LOL...cheer up...and take it easy!
Unread 06-05-2002, 10:20 AM
whimper, whimper, whimper..........

Thanks, girls,...
I know we are BOTH under ALOT of strain right now,... and he really is a caring man, and loves me soooooooooo much. I do think he just had a bad himself, and we collided. I'm just not at a good point to be able to handle it better right now.
We did just have a great couple of days,.. the first I had felt okay in awhile, and sex was awesome so that's why it really threw me for a loop that he was being such a poop last night.
Monday, when I called him about my osteoporosis,.. he asked if I would wind up in a wheelchair (he was conscerned is all), and I said no, we can probably correct this {just not get my height back}... I started to cry about ALL the problems with me,.. I mean, it's been one thing after another my WHOLE life, ya' know? I told hime he married the wrong prson cuz I'm sucha medical headache, and he asured me that "NO, he married the PERFECT woman", and that he would always love me. Then,.. he pulls this 360 on me the very next day, pretty much taking back everything he had said the day before when consoling me........ what gives???
Anyway, I know things will get better, but man, do they stink at the moment!!! Thanks for helping me feel better girls, although I am still down in the dumps, I needed someone ELSE to give me my own advice in order to lift my chin even just a little.......
I knew you'd be here for me,.......... this helps to come complain and sob on here,.. more than anywhere else, and so I thank all of you for taking me in with open arms...... this place is such a blessing!!

Still feeling blue, but better................. I'll bounce back
You wouldn't have it any other way, would you, girls? I love all of you,.. don't know what I'd do w/o you!!!
Unread 06-05-2002, 10:40 AM
Help!!! I'm Falling Apart!!

I can totally relate to your experience with your DH. My mind & emotions are racing at 100mph right now & occassionally I miss something he says. He always seems to want to talk when I'm in the middle of something about something stupid like sports. When I realize I missed what he said & ask, he acts the same way your DH did. He won't tell me which really makes me angry.

He seems totally worried about what is going to happen to him during this time, not me! He is upset that my surgery has caused us to change our normal 2 week July vacation to sometime later in the year. We hadn't made plans for it anyway. We are taking a vacation the 3rd week in June so why is another in July so important?

On a side note, he was making a comment last week about me getting aunt flow during every vacation we go on & was wondering if it was scheduled for our next one. It is. I told him that was the last time he would be needing to worry about that though. He asked why. Can you believe it? He didn't realize I wasn't going to have aunt flow anymore after I have a hysterectomy.

I think they are so used to us taking care of them that they are now realizing that isn't going to be happening during that time & realize that they will now have to take some responsibility for chores around the house.

Unread 06-05-2002, 10:57 AM
Help!!! I'm Falling Apart!!

I'm just sending some big 's your way! Hang in there. This is tough on both us and the husbands. Let us know how it goes tonight when he gets home from work, okay? We're here for you anytime you need to talk. You know that though
Unread 06-06-2002, 11:28 AM
just a quick update...

Sorry to this back up, but I just wanted to let ya'll know everything is cool now............ we just have had alot of strain & stress lately with all of this, and DH also isn't used to not getting hardly any attention,.. plus I've been falling asleep on the sofa at 7 PM, and in bed by 8/9 PM,.. and that's cuz I fight to wait til then!
Anyway, his side is completely understandable to me,.. I just told him he needs to TALK to me about things are troubling him, not let it build up and then explode all over me with it to where it causes alot of damage to BOTH our feelings.
Anyway, we worked it out, and all is well,.. just wanted to let you know, and thanks for being such a great support team. So far, I'm having a HAPPY day again for a change,.. don't know how long it will last cuz my emotions keep fluctuating as often as the clock ticks, hehe........... Anyway, we stuck a band-aid on it, and it's doing better now.
Unread 06-06-2002, 01:49 PM
Help!!! I'm Falling Apart!!

I can really relate to the fluctuating emotions comment! I'm really happy for a bit, then get really nervous, then get depressed, then repeat. I don't know if I can stand this for 3 more weeks!

I'm hoping after I have my pre-op next week (6/11) I will be calmer. The whole discussion with my doctor about the necessity to have the hysterectomy & the decision to have it was all done over the phone in March & April. I'm hoping the face to face discussion will have a calming effect on me.


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