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How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!) How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!)

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Unread 07-09-2002, 09:17 AM
How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!)

I just got this in my e-mail inbox and had to share it. Having experienced my very first mammogram (and a repeat mammogram after my very first mammogram came up abnormal), I wholeheartedly agree with this!


Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective.

EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again. You are now properly prepared!

And just a thought for all you women out there: MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!

P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!
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Unread 07-09-2002, 05:19 PM
How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!)

Shashi, This joke is so funny. A friend told me this joke at work last year. Well, last summer, as I was preparing for the hysterectomy I was a nervous wreck. I went for a pre-admission mamogram and everytime the technician would tell me to hold my breath and not move, I would think of the joke and start to laugh. The first time I did it the tech laughed too but after 3 times, she was losing patience with me. I finally got composed and the fourth try was successful. I am due for another one in August and I am afraid to go back. They think I'm a nut.

Unread 07-09-2002, 07:02 PM
How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!)

One word....

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Unread 07-10-2002, 04:39 PM
How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!)

I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard. This was VERY good. It made me think of a cartoon I saw where a woman is wearing a suit and carrying her briefcase and walks into her house with her boobs totally flat--I mean sticking out in front like she has books sticking out of her chest and her husband says "Oh, I see you had your mammogram today"!
Unread 07-15-2002, 04:49 PM
How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!)

Soooooo, why, oh, why have they not come up with a better way to test? Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!!!!
Unread 07-15-2002, 05:39 PM
OK ...

Just booked my (second) mammogram today, so I have been thinking about them a lot lately. And thought I might get an idea about how to prepare for it when I saw the title of your post.
But on second thought ...

My question is:
Why don't they test for prostate cancer the same way?

Take care all,
H. Jane
TAH/BSO 28/2/02
Unread 07-19-2002, 10:34 PM
How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!)

Going to a mammo is unpleasent.
First, a stranger positions you on the plate(x 'cuse me, have we met?)
I tried looking to the ceiling while the person is posturing me.Nothing there..
They tell me NOT to breathe(DUH!) IF I BREATHE IT WILL HURT!!
As I am in the vise,I have a mental picture of someone actually reading a newspaper through my mammary gland(It's paper thin!! ya know)
Then I start to think about them popping it-its tight.
Its also a plus with me,when the tech leaves me in the vise while she leaves the room saying"I'll be right back"(Does she think I am going somewhere)
I like to think about the "man-o-gram".Ladies,use your imaginations and a mental picture should appear.
With this image,I usually relax and laugh.

Don't let me scare you into NOT getting a mammogram.IT'S IMPORTANT.My mother had a double mastectomy some 40+years ago.She is 82 now.She is my hero.
Unread 07-20-2002, 06:14 AM
Yes, Mammograms are Very Important!!

As uncomfortable as they are, they are vital, and the sooner you start getting them the better. (I think the recommended age is 40.)

I had my first mammogram ever in March at the age of 39, and wouldn't you know it, it came back with an abnormality. When the nurse at my GYN's office notified me of the results, she said I was being referred to a surgeon. Well that scared the daylights out of me!!!

I had to go have a repeat mammogram and a sonogram. (I was so scared of what the results might be that through the whole thing, I was hyperventilating so bad, I almost passed out!) The results were still inconclusive, so the surgeon I went to recommended a biopsy.

Well, I'd heard of needle biopsies, so I thought, well okay. Won't be too bad, I'll just go in, flop the offending boob up in a table, they'll insert a needle and withdraw some stuff, and that'll be it, right? WRONG!!!

As it turns out, I had to have a large-core biopsy, a lovely procedure where I was placed faced down on a very high table with my breast dangling down through a hole in the table. The table was raised to eye level, and about four people started working on me. First they numbed the area, cut a small inicision, and inserted a needle about the diameter of a straw. There was a machine which drilled the "straw" down to the area in question. (I kept wanting to ask if they'd struck oil yet.) Then they kept taking x-rays to see if they'd gotten it in the right place.

Meantime, I'm still face down, can't move, can't feel anything where they're working, with four strangers drilling for gold down below!

Well, an hour later, they had their sample, and I was sent home with a large pressure bandage over the site and an ice pack on my chest. (As it turns out, I'm allergic to band-aids, and I've ended up with a large band-aid shaped scar over the site where it caused the skin to peel off and blister.

Thank God, the results of the biopsy were negative. I still have to have a repeat mammogram in September (oh, joy!) but I'm sure it will be okay.

Ladies, that was one of the scariest experiences I have ever had, almost more so than my surgery, because of the potential for cancer. (I wasn't worried about that with my hysterectomy - I just had fibroids, which are rarely ever cancerous.) I would have never made it through the ordeal without the Lord helping me. The verse that is in my signature helped me more than anything. I printed it out and hung it on the wall in my office at work, on the mirror in the bathroom, above my recliner at home, where ever I could see it.

(Boy, this has been some year! Started in January with a period that went on for two months, then the excessive, heavy bleeding, then the abnormal mammogram and biopsy, and then the hysterectomy and recovery. I hope the last part of the year is better healthwise than the first six months was!)

Anyway, the moral of that whole long story is, even though mammograms and other medical tests are scary, they are very important, so don't let fear keep you from getting them.

Best wishes and lots of s,

Unread 07-20-2002, 09:03 AM
How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!)

These poor tired puppies have been through many a mammogram,The Dr. recommended having them at 25 years of age.
When I take off my bra ,I actually look younger(gravity works wonders at pulling out wrinkles in the face)but there is double knee syndrome to contend with."Swingin low"Haha.
Shashi, you have been through a lot in a short amount of time.I hope that the rest of the years to follow are kind to you.
As for me,I wish that too.
I am kinda nervous ( to put that lightly)about the upcoming surgery.Freaked out the first day after "The Decision". I am better though. I am thinking about giving my family some tips on "in the castle" spa treatments.. rubbing lotion on my legs and arms,painting my toenails,massages.Touch is important.
Yes,I need to be PAMPERED.I am a "big girl" with little girl feeling.
I know that they want to know how to help even if its only reaasurance that they are holding my hand and care..
Going to make a sign and hang it around my neck"WILL FART FOR FOOD"as been advised that is what I will have to do so in order to get solid food afterwards.
Maybe have someone blow up a surgical glove,draw a face on it like "Wilson" in the movie, Castaway.
Got to keep a "twisted sense of humor" Can call me the "twisted sister".
Unread 07-20-2002, 09:11 AM
How to Prepare for a Mammogram (Hilarious!)

I love it! WILL FART FOR FOOD!!!

Thanks for the laugh!!!

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