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Am I being too selfish? Am I being too selfish?

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Unread 07-11-2002, 12:56 PM
Am I being too selfish?

I have two stepsons (13 & 15) that live with us fulltime. They visit their mom every other weekend, which is a 5 hour drive each way. My 13 yoa has special needs/LD (Asperger's/ADHD) and is quite a handful...he is a 24/7 job. The 15 yoa is your typical 15 yoa. He is on a summer swimteam and swims every morning. The swimteam is over in 2 weeks...

My DH told their mom that the boys need to be with her for 3 weeks. They leave tomorrow. That will give me a few days to gear up for surgery Wednesday, and also time to get my feet is the problem. The 15 yoa is real mad because he doesn't want to miss swimming. He wants to stay at a friend's house (this mom has not called and invited him or even called to talk it over).

DH says...TOO BAD! Family first. DW (me) needs peace and quiet and you out of town! His mom thinks the 15 yoa can stay here and she will "deal" with the 13 yoa. I personally want both at their mom's. He'll get to swim this winter for the high school...

I'm the bad guy here because I am having surgery...

Just want to get opinions...are we (the parents) totally off base here? TIA!
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Unread 07-11-2002, 01:51 PM
Am I being too selfish?


You are not being selfish! The major surgery you are about to go through is way more important than the swim team.

I know how selfish teenage boys can be, especially when they pull out the guilt card.

I had to keep reminding my ds (ages 14 and 16) that I had a 9 inch incision in my belly that was trying to heal, not to mention the hundreds of stitches inside where they had removed my organs. I found being this graphic was the only way to get through to them.

At this point, I don't think you should be worrying yourself about this issue. If the ds can make arrangements that don't include you, fine. But it should not affect you at all.

Take care of you.

Unread 07-11-2002, 02:23 PM
Am I being too selfish?

You're not selfish at all! Listen to your wonderful DH and I wholeheartedly agree with his statement of "TOO BAD". I have two sons, 20 and 15 and they are good boys, but at the same time we've needed to set limits and let them know that the world does not revolve around their activities.

Even if the 15 year old were to stay home, I doubt you'd get the rest you need with the phone ringing, music playing and kids probably trapsing in and out of the I right? Not to mention it will cause hard feelings between the two brothers if one is made to leave and the other isn't.

I would just explain to them that this is one of those times they need to be the respectful sons you know they can be and expect them to be and that this is one of the stepping stones to adulthood....realizing that part of growing up includes sacrifices and will build character.

You are very blessed that DH is putting you first and foremost in his thoughts.

BTW, my son has mild Asperger's Syndrome so I am familiar with it. He becomes obsessed with certain things, and thankfully, with the help of his teachers at school, he's doing remarkably well as compared to when he was in elementary and middle school.

All my best to you and keep in mind that you need to put yourself first in a situation such as this.

Good luck and God Bless!
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Unread 07-11-2002, 02:43 PM
Am I being too selfish?

Under no circumstances are you being selfish, take care of YOU.

I have 2 - 19 year olds (mine) and 1 - 11 year old step child who is only with us every other Sunday. When her mothe was informed she could not come over for at least 3 Sundays since I was having surgery, all hell broke loose. Fortunately, my DH said to her "take it or leave it this is how it will be".

I'm happy because my recovery process is what is important.
Unread 07-11-2002, 02:57 PM
Am I being too selfish?

You are not being selfish!!!

I am a youth care worker with no children (unable to concieve due to endo) and I believe that teens are very self centred for the most part. When any of the youth are experiencing a crisis (in their terms) I explain to them that at this point in their life small things actually seem much bigger than they are. Your DH may be able to explain that to ds. In a year from now what will matter is your health, you do not need to deal with him while you are healing and increase your chances of adhesions and scar tissue. You need this time. Follow your husband's advise, please. As nurturers (sp?) women always want to put their own needs aside for others so I understand it is difficult but, you need this and I am happy you have a supportive husband. Also, the boy should spend some time with his mother. Suggestion: maybe his mother can find some swim group for him at her home town? Just a thought. I am glad the child with the behavior problems/difficulties will not be around while you go through this.

Look after yourself, Take Care and Big Sister Hugs..
Unread 07-11-2002, 03:08 PM
Am I being too selfish?

NO you are NOT being selfish!!! You are the PAMPERED PRINCESS, remember? Sounds like the teen and the mom are acting like the selfish ones. You are SO BLESSED with such a sweetheart of a DH!!! What a prince! You will have years ahead to be your usual giving self. This is one of those rare times when, why yes as a matter of fact the world DOES revolve around me right now!
Unread 07-11-2002, 04:35 PM

I'm sorry to say this, but ... yes. I think you are being selfish on the subject of these two "step" children of yours.

Would you send them away for three weeks if they were your own biological children? I don't think so. But these two stepsons are being sent away from their home because you can't deal with them. Tell your DH to suck it up and deal with the special needs child at home, where this child lives. Tell the other child you will need some extra help and consideration from him during your recovery --- good heavens, these are teenagers, not toddlers.

There must be a good reason these boys live with you and your husband, and not with their bio-mom. I think you should honor them and their needs as the children of your marriage, and do the best you can. I think you will find a lot of support from other women on this site who have children (special needs included) at home, and have managed to deal with their surgeries and recuperation periods; I am one of those women.

Okay --- let the boys visit "real" mom for a couple of days if they're willing --- but three weeks? I think that sends a really bad message ... like, "This is only your home only if it's convenient for me." Sorry to rain on the "put yourself first" parade around here, but hey --- other family members have their needs too. Good luck to you and your family.

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