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Having trouble...sounds so selfish Having trouble...sounds so selfish

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Unread 10-06-2002, 09:11 PM
Having trouble...sounds so selfish

Hello it's the new girl Telly again,
I know my surgery was just a couple weeks ago, but I am really having a hard time with this whole thing. I can't seem to grasp the fact that I am never going to be able to have more children. I have a 10 month old son who is the best best best and a husband who is as well. I feel so selfish to even say it out loud because I know that there are so many of you and others who have never got the opportunity to even have 1 child and here I am complaining about not being able to have more. I feel like my husband going to one day wake up and hate me because I am not able to have more kids, or when my son is older he will resent the fact I could not give him any siblings. Is this normal? I just turned 28 and I feel like I am (well was) in my prime years to build my family. I cry when I see pregnant women now. I went in to the dr.s for my 2 week check-up and there was a lady in there due here pretty soon and I just started thinking that will never be me again. Am I just being really selfish and horrible or is this normal for what I just went through? Every time I talk to a family member or friend, the first thing they seem to say is "well, at least be grateful you have Eathen", and I am but sometimes I need to hear more than that to ease my pain...Please help me!
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Unread 10-06-2002, 09:29 PM
having trouble

Here's a for you! It's certainly understandable to feel a loss after this kind of surgery, especially given your age. You may want to also look on the Aching Hearts forum about this issue.

For what comfort it may be, my daughter is 17 and an only child, by my choice, and doesn't seem to regret not having siblings. And I am a strong advocate for adoption, if having a larger family is something you want. I'm adopted, and never felt differently because my parents aren't my biological parents - they're my mom and dad. Period. If anything, I've felt more loved because I knew how much they wanted me.

I hope you'll feel better soon.
Unread 10-06-2002, 09:35 PM
Having trouble...sounds so selfish

Thank you OmahaKitty,
We had spoke of adoption several times, even prior to finding out about my surgery. I think it is a great idea and would love to explore it more in the future. i think my main problem is probably the missing pieces, being my parts are gone. It is more of not having the option anymore, when something is taken away from you, you tend for some strange reason, to want it more. And knowing that no matter what I do, I can't carry a child just seems to not be quite sinking in yet. Again, thank you for responding to me!
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Unread 10-06-2002, 10:01 PM
Having trouble...sounds so selfish

I tried for more than 13 years to conceive a child and was never able to. So, besides the surgery, I understand what you're going through. My surgery came late enough in life (46 and divorced) that having a child was not an option but I can understand what you must be going through. Yes, be thankful that you have your child. I would give almost anything to have just one. But that doesn't lessen your sorrow about not being able to have another, especially at your age.

This is a group of women who can sympathize with your situation. Hang in there and let us know if we can do anything else for you.
Unread 10-06-2002, 10:02 PM
having trouble

I hear ya! Even though I'm not dealing with any issues as far as having children goes, it sure seems strange that things that used to be in there, aren't! On the other hand, things that shouldn't have been in there aren't now, too, which is a good thing. And I think I'll be an even better mom when I'm not wiped out and feeling awful all the time, bleeding for weeks on end, being ranting, raving hormonal maniac, etc.

Just keep hanging in there; lots of support around here.
Unread 10-07-2002, 11:06 AM
Having trouble...sounds so selfish

I am 45, married 28 years, had my tubes tied at a young age because after giving birth to three sons, one of which died at birth, my cervix couldn't handle another pregnancy. My 2 boys are grown and on their own. So you see, in all reality I would never have had another child. This surgery took away a part of me that was *mine*. A unique part of womanhood. Yes, I grieved. The only place I have and will give those feelings a voice, is here. You are not alone. It is a normal emotion ; so grieve for what will not be, then hug your son and DH and if need be explore your adoption options. Keep in touch and God Bless. Karlene
Unread 10-07-2002, 06:15 PM
Having trouble...sounds so selfish

Thank you so much Karlene, sometimes its nice to hear such caring words. I wish everyone was as sweet and understanding as you are!
Unread 10-07-2002, 06:49 PM
Having trouble...sounds so selfish


My heart goes out to you. After my 2nd child was born, I had to have a tubal ligation and knew I'd never have another baby, I had wanted 4. I too, felt guilty knowing I did have two children, but it is a sense of loss that you feel and it is something that only time and love can heal. Don't feel that you shouldn't grieve - allow yourself to, give yourself the chance to heal your heart.
Look to God for a path to follow. Maybe he has something else in mind for you - a special child that needs you and your husband to take him/her in and love as your own.

Take care dear sister,

Unread 10-18-2002, 09:42 AM
Having trouble...sounds so selfish

Hi, Telly. I'm glad I found your post. I was wanting to write one myself, but like you, felt too guilty to do it. I am so blessed to have 2 sons of my own, and 2 step-daughters. I had my tubes tied after my second son was born, which was almost 13 years ago. I was a young mom, and was sexually abused by my ex (as well as physically and emotionally). I did not expect to have my second son, my oldest was only 6 months old when I got pregnant again. With my marriage as horrendous as it was, I knew that bringing a child into the world every 15 months would be insane. I just got remarried last year, and my husband's girls are great. Actually, it was our kids that got us together. But still, I'm relatively young (33) and would have loved to have a child with my new husband (talk about selfish, I really wished for twins!). Even though I had a tubal, there was always the option of having it reversed if we chose to do so. But now, after Monday, that option will be gone. I am very sad about this. I know I'm being selfish, but it hurts just the same. That is one of the hardest things for me to overcome right now. I'm kind of numb regarding the surgery at this point. The fear and anxiety have calmed down, and it's so close that I have everything ready... nothing to do but think now. I'm sorry for your pain, and although I have no real advice to give since I'm aching over it too, just know that you are not alone. Love, Missy
Unread 10-19-2002, 12:01 AM
Having trouble...sounds so selfish

Hi Telly,

We share the same surgery date, but we are quite apart in years. I too only have one child and I am newly married to a man that has no children of his own. I cannot give him a child, but he has been so wonderful. He said my health was more important and I do feel better physically...now!

You are going through a very normal grieving process...I just took a class of high schoolers up to our local hospital birthing unit and I found that experience to be quite uncomfortable. I cried when I saw a woman in the grocery store with her new infant. I had emotionally decided many years ago that I would not have anymore children, but then I got remarried and contemplated pregnancy again. We both need time to adjust and our well-meaning friends need to watch what they say to us. Yes, we are blessed to have our one child, but we are allowed to grieve for the other children we are not able to have.

I understand your pain and agony over this loss. Allow yourself to cry and feel whatever you feel in order to get past this and love your child to the fullest. What a wonderful gift your son is! How lucky your son is to have a mother that is so loving to think of his need to have siblings. You sound like a wonderful and thoughtful person!

May God bless you and keep you in your time of need. Give yourself all the time you need to get through this.

I will be thinking of you,


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