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Unread 12-25-2002, 09:07 AM
christmas blues

i am ashamed for having depressing thoughs on such a beautiful holy day, feel worse about writing them, but it's better than letting my family see. We opened presents last night. For the past few years oldest boys ( 18, 17, 15 just wanted money and only my daughter, 14, wanted to be surprised with presents, but this year I said no money and bought them all presents. I only could afford 2 presents each, but our tree was loaded, because friends, feeling sorry that i have cancer came over with presents. :cry: I wanted to savor their faces as they opened each present, but they whipped them open fast and then my 18 year old was gone to his friends, the 17 year old was in his room, and the TV was on. This was the first year since I was a kid that we didn't go to Midnight mass. We are going to the noon mass today because my daughter is an altar server and my son plays drums at that mass. i wanted to go to midnight mass too, because they were having a special concert but my husband said no. There was a part of me that didn't want to go anywayy because it would be more then the ususal crowd, all dressed up, and they would see me in my bandana. One of my closest friends is a priest and I will probably see him today, but he won't see me, beacuse he doesn't look me in the eye since i have cancer. He is my sons Godfather, got my husband to come to church, taught me to ski, saved me and my son from drowning, but avoids me now. I know that he cares, because he has the whole church praing for me and took up a collection at youth group of bandannas for me. He stops by our house usually takes nap, because he is so tried, but this year he probably won't. He is the only " family" we are close to and I will feel bad if he doens't come.
Some times i don't know if fit in on this board, because my cancer is CUP, cancer of unknown primary. They don't know where it began, only that i have less then a 5% chance if being here in 5 years. i had my 2nd round of chemo last week, but fear it isn't working, because I am not at all sick and i didn't take any anti nausea meds
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Unread 12-25-2002, 10:16 AM
christmas blues

Ohhhhh....Debbie.....I am so sorry you are feeling so blue. I also have teens and a 24 yr old and things are not the same on Christmas day as they were when they were little. It was so much fun when they were little and were so excited and full of appreciation for every little thing they get. Unfortunately, I think it is the age they are at and I try not to take it personally.
I am surprised your priest is finding it difficult to comfort you.....most of the time they are trained in that part of the ministry. Have you tried telling him how you feel?? I do however, know what you mean about people acting different around you. I have found that when people find out they look at you so woefully or ask ??....I try to keep in mind that it is done out of care and has no bad meaning, but i still don't like it. I am at the point that it is refreshing when I am not questioned about my surgery.
Please keep posting on this board.....I hope that we can give you support and you have given so many others help and support. You are in my prayers and thoughts, especially on this day.
Unread 12-25-2002, 10:29 AM
christmas blues


I am praying so hard for you today! You are so brave and I've seen you support so many people on this board. I am giving you a huge, HUGE hug from Tucson.

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Unread 12-25-2002, 11:08 AM
Praying for You Too

and sending a BIG from Wisconsin. People do react differently to us once we have cancer; your experience is not unusual, except I'd hope that the priest could be just the same as before. Perhaps because you were so close before and he feels helpless. Now as for those statistics, try to remember that they're numbers. Not people--numbers. And if you stick to those numbers, well, someone has to be in that 5%. Then look right at me. Here I was in June with recurrence confirmed and CA125 jumping, not just rising. I researched and looked at statistics and chose carboplatin, not my doctor's first drug of choice, but what I felt was best for me. 33% chance of working, 16% chance of remission. Bad statistics. 16%. Driving home from church last night it hit me--here I was, no evidence of disease on the November CT scan, CA125 at 6.5 after 4 treatments. 16%. And there I was--driving home, healthy, remission... You hang in there--you're a wonderful person and you'll always belong on this board. A Christmas er for you. Ellen
Unread 12-25-2002, 12:00 PM
christmas blues

Hi Debbie

Holiday time is always the hardest and I am sorry that you are feeling blue.
Unfortunately, as hard as we try, our children do grow up and things are not as they used to be. I am Jewish and celebrate Chanukah, not christmas. MY kids used to love the holiday with presents for 8 nights and magical candles to light, who would not like it. Then, as they got older, the magic started to fade, gifts turned into cash or mall certificates and the length of our time together began to dwinlde. My oldest son just got married in September and i cannot wait for them to have children so that the magic will come alive again.

Christmas was always hard for us because we thought that EVERYONE except for us was celebrating. Well, i just came back from the movies, with my husband, and i do believe that EVERYONE was at the movies. The place was jammed!! So there went my theory.

Now my next thought for you is this... do you have wigs as well as bandanas????
I also lost all my hair to chemo ( it is growing back now and looks like a mans haircut). However, when i wore a bandana or a scarf or a hat etc. I did not feel happy myself. However, when I wear my wig, people do not even know that i have it on. That makes me feel good and I do not feel as if people are looking at me and feeling sorry for me.

Tomorrow is another day...Stand up tall, shake off the blues, and think of it as the beginning of a new you!!

Take care and think positive thoughts.

and : Rosalie
Unread 12-25-2002, 12:27 PM
christmas blues

Huge s Debbie

Please don't you ever even think about if you belong on this board on not!!!!
You are one of us through and through. If you should ever try to sneak away we will find you and drag you back here.
I think you are one of the most inspiring women to post on this site since I've been around. And what impresses me the most is how you give back to everyone. You are often here with words of encouragement and advice for the other sisters. Even in the midst on your own ongoing crisis.
We all love you and your nurturing ways. And feel honored when you turn to us on a down day. We are all only human.
Christmas can be a depressing day for many people. We seem to have story book fantasy pictures in our heads. And very few Christmases live up to those high expectations.
I'm not sure what is up with your priest friend. Perhaps you and he need to have a quiet alone talk. There is so much he could learn from you.
Many people tolerate chemotherapy very well. Don't worry that it is not working just because you aren't deathly ill from it. I tolerated it very well myself. And just had my one year anniversary of completing chemo.
And remember that the baldness is only temporary.
Stay strong dear DEB. Better days are coming.
Unread 12-25-2002, 12:59 PM
christmas blues


Adding my 's to those above. And I second Karen--absolutely you belong here. You have an incredible story and you share it with others so nicely--full of optmism and possibilities. You are entitled to a down day just like everyone else is.

And try to remember that priests are people too. Sometimes it's easier to offer support to those who are emotionally distant to us, and when someone close to us needs support in a tough situation, well, it's hard to remain emotionally objective and in control.

I will continue to keep you in my 'ers, Debbie. May those chemo drugs be hitting those bad cells in a powerful way!
Unread 12-25-2002, 01:03 PM
christmas blues


This day can be hard. I'm so sorry you're feeling sad and am hoping that you got some comfort by bringing it here where you have friends. I'll be saying an extra prayer for you today.

Unread 12-25-2002, 02:38 PM
christmas blues

Holidays are often the most difficult time. Last New year's eve we were at my best friends house and I went upstairs by myself for about an hour and cried my eyes out. You have every reason to feel upset and every reason to post on this board. You are living a nightmare right now!

As for the chemo-maybe you are lucky and it is working but is not giving you awful side effects. I have had friends that that has happenned to. Anyway, try to find a good moment if you can and cherish it. Merry Christmas!
Unread 12-25-2002, 03:59 PM
christmas blues

Hi Debbie,
I am so sorry you are feeling down today. You certainly have alot on your plate,and have been thorough an awful lot this past year.

There are no rules for how anyone should feel during the holidays. I spent christmas 2 years ago completely alone by my own choice. I had just finished chemo on Dec. 22nd, and was very ill with my treatments, and I just didn't have it in me to try and put on a happy face or good mood for anyone. So I told my family basically thanks but no thanks, I want to be alone and sleep through it, and thats exactly what I did.

I realize being single and on my own, it was easier to do that than if I had children counting on me to make christmas, but please don't be so hard on yourself. You feel what you feel, and unless someone has been through cancer and treatments its really hard for them to understand.

I am sorry your priest friend is treating you differently. Being catholic myself, I always think of priests as being the ones to help bring comfort to us in our times of trouble. Perhaps the fact he is a close friend makes it so much more difficult.

As for the treatments working, Debbie I had treatments with others for various cancers who after hearing about my side effects and nausea would say the same thing, that perhaps theres was not working because they weren't sick, but there are women here who really got through it without alot of serious side effects and who are doing just fine. It really does affect everyone differently.

Hang in there sweetie!! You're gonna beat this and next christmas will be so much better for you!! Keeping you in my prayers.
Love and Hugs,
Maria xoxoxo

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