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Never to be a mother Never to be a mother

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Unread 12-24-2002, 03:11 PM
Never to be a mother

I am one of those women who never had the chance to have a child and I am still working through grief issues due to this. I found a very good book titled "Never to Be A Mother" by Linda Hunt Anton that addresses those issues in a very meaningful way. The author is a childless woman who finally had to accept the reality that motherhood would never happen to her. She has outlined ten steps toward dealing with the loss of the motherhood opportunity. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is going through this. Hopefully this will be as helpful to someone else as it has been for me.
God bless.
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Unread 12-24-2002, 03:39 PM
Never to be a mother

Thank you so much for the information. I'm going to see about adding this to our Resource Forum. We need some good books, articles, ect. for the sisters here to turn to.
I'm thankful that you are taking the steps to work through your grief. You have warmed my heart with your taking the time to share with others. Bless you, Karlene
Unread 12-26-2002, 12:40 AM
Never to be a mother

s Linda

I think you are a sweetheart.....What a kind thing to reach out and help others....I also think you are a smart strong women for taking the steps to healing

God bless......And remember God opens new doors for us all the time...........

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Unread 12-26-2002, 02:52 PM
Never to be a mother

Thank you so much for this information. I am 33 years old and never had any kids. There are people in this world who act like I am a freak because of this and it cuts like a knife sometimes. Women in my office avoid me when they are discussing their kids because I've had a hyst. I guess they are afraid I will get upset or something. I have grieved alot more over this than I thought I would pre-hyst. Maybe this book will help.
Unread 12-26-2002, 08:19 PM
Never to be a mother

Oh yeah, I know that feeling far too well. I guess that for some people, having a child legitimizes you as a "real" woman. (Excuse me while I throw up here...) Okay, I'm being sarcastic, but the point is that most people share the children experience and they don't really know how to react to someone who is not in their sisterhood of maternity. They can't share the pregnancy stories with us nulligravidas, and not being able to focus on anything but the kids (which is kind of understandable especially if they are sleep deprived parents) prevents them from having conversations about non-child topics. It gets a little better when the parents get older and they get back to being less focused on their families, but then after a while, they start talking about the grandkids....sigh! I guess that I need to learn not to let the reactions of others dictate how I feel about myself. This is one of the things I am still learning as well as learning that my own feelings are legitimate and worthy of being expressed. I used to try hard not to feel the emotions related to grieving, and this is a big mistake. (BIG, BIG mistake) So you see that I am not such a strong woman after all. I'm a pretty ordinary person muddling through life as best I can, and learning new things along the way. I think that if I can do it, others can do it too.
Hope to meet you on the road to Muddle!
Unread 12-30-2002, 11:48 AM
I feel for ya

And I know exactly what you're going through.

I'm sick and tired of there being judgements, pity, questions and whatever else attached to the fact that I am 38, have no children and will not.

And lord help me, why in the world do some people feel the need to assure me that I can always adopt or foster? Why do a few help-minded idiots pat me on the head and insist that 'there are always miracles' and 'where there's a will there's a way' kind of nonsense???

Someone please tell me when my reproductive parts became a topic of conversation that I agreed to be talked about and commented upon in social/business environments?

It was bad enough when I had a miscarriage and Those People acted like it was nothing. Like it wasn't the only chance at a child I would ever have - which is exactly what it was and what I knew it to be. Now They want to insinuate that either it doesn't matter that I'll never have children - or that it 'just wasn't meant to me' and therefore I should just accept it without an ounce of grief, anger or sadness.

Sorry. You got me going and a whole rant escaped! I'm hoping you can relate and won't mind that I verbally upchucked on your post
Unread 01-04-2003, 06:01 PM
Never to be a mother

Well can i just say how much i can relate to all of you!! i thought it was just me....

i had to laugh at the line that said about fostering and adoption.....why do people always tell me that's an option???? How do they know i'm not a mass serial killer and the authoriities might object to placing a child with me???

I found out in October that i'm having a TAH in April...the day after my birthday. I'm 30 at the minute.
And i swear, nearly everyone i've told has waited a few minutes and then said "oh that reminds me, have you heard that Sarah/Jane/Katie is pregnant?"
What part of "i'm having a hysterectomy in April" asks them to tell me that snippet of information.
I do have a capacity to be happy for others, but i really don't want their good news rammed down my troat!

And how come everyone i know is suddenly pregnant? Have they been trying for months and timed it especially????

Anyway, just wanted to say "keep the faith" and that i know how you feel......keep smiling
Unread 01-07-2003, 01:10 AM
Never to be a mother


I had a horrendous ectopic pregnancy about 8 years ago...and it seemed like, for the first six months, everyone around me was pregnant or carrying new babies in Snugglies. I worked in a Childrens' hospital too, which didn't help!

When you get that response to your hysterectomy news, I think people are saying that, in a way, because there is a reflexive association: "uterus" equals "children". They don't seem to understand the equation for so many of us that says "uterus" equals "pain" or "loss of active life" or so many of the other negatives that lead to the decision for hysterectomy.

Linda, thank you for that book. I'll take a look for it at the library!

, and like Blade says, "keep the faith...keep smiling."

Unread 01-07-2003, 10:07 PM
Never to be a mother

Yup. I've gotten the "you can always adopt" speech almost every time. I'm a 45 (soon to be 46) year old single woman who can barely make enough money to support my self. No self-respecting adoption agency would place a child with me! I'm sure that people are just using this statement to make themselves feel comfortable about the situation. Our society doesn't encourage the expression of feelings of grief. We are supposed to bear it quietly, by ourselves. This is very wrong, but the adoption speech is supposed to distract us from those feelings. People don't come up and say "Oh, that's a terrible loss! Can we talk about how this has affected you?" because they don't want to feel those emotions either. It's kind of difficult to always being outside the window with your nose pressed up against the glass watching the nice warm family activities happening inside. I am comforted just to know that others feel the same way.
Unread 01-09-2003, 01:38 PM
I too know the pain all to well.

Five of the six years of my marriage were spent trying to have a child. I spent a couple of years on fertility drugs that took me to the brink of madness. Then in November 99 it was a miracle, I was pregnant. In December of 99 I started having sever abdominal pains and began to hemorrhage. I was rushed to hospital where I underwent emergency surgery to remove an eptopic pregnancy. The ER DR was great. He told me after surgery that it was a horrible mess in there and that I had sever endometriosis and that I should never try to have children again as it would only result in another eptopic pregnancy. He tried to save my R tube by just removing the pregnancy and he cleaned up the endo as best he could. He also continued to care for me after the surgery watching me closely for any signs of a persistent eptopic pregnancy (PET). Sure enough in January 2000 I was back in the ER for a PET and another emergency surgery to remove my R tube and clean up the endo again. I went back to my original DR after that and told me to get back on my fertility drugs and try again! I was floored! I told him what the other DR had said at the hospital, and he said that there was a very slim chance that it would happen again. So in February 2000 I started my drugs again and I got pregnant right away and as sure as god made little green apples, it was another eptopic, this time on the left. So back to the ER I went (I should have been getting frequent flyer miles or something) and yet another emergency surgery this time taking my left tube. So here I was childless and now tubeless. My GP then referred me to a new DR in town that could get me in for invetro. It was my last and only chance of having a child so I went. Because of my history I didn’t have to wait to see the specialist and I was put immediately into the invetro program at the Mt. Sinai Hospital in Toronto, Canada (no waiting). I thought that it was all too good to be true. Shortly after I started the program I had to go for surgery again to clean up the endo and the ovarian cysts. I was ready to start the program again only now I was very very sick. For three months I laid in bed feeling very very sick and thinking that I just had a bad case of the flu. When my DH finally couldn’t take it any more and was loosing all patience with me I went to see my GP and she ran some tests. It turned out that my thyroid had gone MIA (missing in action). There was so much TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) in my system that it clearly indicated that my thyroid was not just malfunctioning but that it was gone all together. So began the long slow recovery for that (and now I am on meds for life). Once I started to feel better I was hit with yet another bad bought of endo and under went yet another clean up procedure, and my DR said that this was the last time she was going to clean this up. Next time she went in everything was coming out. So that was fixed and it was finally time to try the invetro. My first cycle seamed to go really well and they gave me a 75% chance to conceive. Which if you’ve researched the subject is extremely high. I produced nine eggs. They fertilized them and only three were good. They proceed to implant the best two. They did not take. So we wait the recovery period and tried again. This time my cycle was canceled because I started to go into premature ovarian failure. A few months latter everything seamed ok so we tried again. The effort was fruitless all the eggs were no good. By this time my endo was again raging through my abdomen. My husband of six years left me in July 2002. Then in December 2002 my DR finally did the TAH and RSO and cleaned up the endo again and removed a large cyst from the left ovary, which was to remain. So here I am, 31, no kids, no husband, no money, and all alone. I have not given up all hope yet. I do want to try adoption but it is next to impossible as a single parent. In fact they won’t even accept single parent applications for adoption here in Canada. So my only chance is for an international adoption, which does allow for single parent adoption as well as same sex couples adoption. So I have decided that the money I get in my settlement with the XDH, will be invested for a couple of years. This way in a few years when I am better both physically and mentally I can go and adopt a little girl from China.
That’s my Story.

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