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Rules for Cats!  Funny Rules for Cats! Funny

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Unread 03-07-2003, 04:11 PM
Rules for Cats! Funny

My sister sent me this. It's great. If you own or have owned a cat, you'll like this one.

Rules for Cats

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on
hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and
pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when
it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season.
Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot
manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental
rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you
project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not
necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans
are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for
"helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in
close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work
in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or
at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans
may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working
on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the
aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper
in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love
to jump.

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when
they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they
first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their
coordination skills.

Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you,
book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and
squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep
them pinned.

1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will
need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and
cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and
the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to
the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for
a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as
possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice
aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since
it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when
it's time to sharpen your nails
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Unread 03-07-2003, 04:54 PM
Rules for Cats! Funny

I own several cats, one of which is described to a tee in your posting! Thanks for the great post!

Unread 03-07-2003, 05:35 PM
Rules for Cats! Funny

Describes my 3 cats to a tee! In fact, as I'm typing this I'm pushing one of their butts out of the way of my monitor.

My one cat loves the cursor on the mouse. I'll move it around and she sort of chases it around the screen.

I once bought a cover for my mouse, it looked just like the animal *mouse*. Well I couldn't find it one day and I looked and looked. When I finally found it, seems one of my cats had claimed it as hers.
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Unread 03-07-2003, 06:18 PM
Wink - Rules for Cats!  Funny Hilarious

Thanks for the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I read the whole thing out loud to DH & DD and we all appreciated the exact descriptions of our 3 kitties. Made our day.
Unread 03-07-2003, 08:48 PM
Rules for Cats! Funny

It's perfect!

<----- Rusty's brother, Bear (who, btw, weighs about 15 lbs), takes this one step further... whenever I sit down on the toilet, he jumps up onto my lap and makes himself comfortable! It's gotten so bad I have to try to sneak into the bathroom and shut the door before he knows I'm going in there!

Unread 03-07-2003, 09:22 PM
Rules for Cats! Funny

Thank you so much for the laugh!!!

I could particularly relate to the cat staying in the doorway to the outside door: It's winter in Canada and it's been a particularly cold one. Well, Ephrem still asks to go out but will ask us to open the door and then just stand there!!!

On the "helping" item, here's another one: when your human is playing patience, jump on the table and lie with your back facing the cards. Then, very discreetely, proceed to scatter the cards with your tail. When removed, look sadly at them for a minute or two then, once your human has resumed game, repeat the process. Remember: the goal is to hamper!!!
Unread 03-08-2003, 01:03 AM
Rules for Cats! Funny

This is hilarious!!!!! Thanks for sharing this. Every bit of it is true for 2 of my 3 indoor cats.

One is never alone or bored in this house or outside either for that matter.

Unread 03-12-2003, 08:37 AM
Rules for Cats! Funny

This is sooooo true and real! My cats have these rules down to a T.... I guess this makes them obedient after all?? Who knew??

Here's another one:

Once the humans have gone to bed, wait until you're pretty sure they're just falling asleep, then put your nose at the crack of the bottom of the closed door and TALK. Meow meow meow until someone gets up, comes to the door and asks what your problem is. Then walk around, talking.... wander around the house with them following you, wondering what it is you want. Not sure what purpose this serves, but it's just one of those common cat courtesy things.

Unread 03-27-2003, 02:36 PM
Thumbs up - Rules for Cats!  Funny hi

OMG! that fitrs my cat to a tee! Thank you for the funny read.
Unread 06-19-2003, 12:29 AM
Rules for Cats! Funny

I totally know what you mean about not having any doors closed. I can't have my doors closed to any room. Especially if I am in one of the rooms. My cats have to be able to get to me no matter what room I am in.


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